Bah Hum Bug

Hi boo,

How's it going? I haven't written in a while. I'm just keeping busy with a lot of different stuff.

Basically, I've been distracting myself to get through the holiday season. This year is so much different than last year. But I can't explain it. I think this year hurts worse, but to be honest, I don't really remember exactly how last year felt. So they could have felt equally as bad... Who knows...

I hate the holidays now, that I do know for sure. I have to TRY so hard to even pretend to make it a nice time for the kids. I'm just thankful that they are still young enough to not know all the magic of Christmas. But I also hate it, because I can't show them all the magic.

For them, Christmas could be any day. I told them it was tomorrow, but that doesn't mean much to them. Really, we could open presents the next day, or the next. It wouldn't make a difference.

I'm actually not even going to wrap presents. I'm too lazy and too blah. I have some gift bags, so I might throw stuff into those, but who knows. Bleh...

I can't even pretend to have Christmas cheer on Facebook today. I was going to post a picture of the kids opening a present from your mom, but I just sat there looking at it, and couldn't even come up with the right "cheerful" thing to say.

What I really want to do is post a picture of a huge middle finger and say "Fuck you and your merry fucking Christmases." I don't think anyone would appreciate that though...

Basically, tonight and tomorrow will be days that I do NOT go on Facebook.

I'm just a hot mess of crazy. I couldn't even make it through bedtime tonight before I lost my mind. I bawled the whole time through Will's bedtime routine of reading and singing. Then I went downstairs and cried while Violet and Charlotte watched a movie. Charlotte says, "What, Mommy?" And I say, "Mommy's sad." And they ask why I'm sad, and I say "Mommy is missing your Daddy." And they ask me why I miss you, and I say, "Cuz Mommy loves him." And Charlotte says, "I love Daddy all day." And Violet chimes in, "I love Daddy all day, too!" I have no idea what the "all day is about, that is a new thing that are saying. But I just say, "I love Daddy all day, too, guys..." And then I keep on crying.

Then we go upstairs to do the rest of our bedtime, and I just don't even have the energy to argue with them. So, when they are not listening when I tell them to go potty and they just start playing with their toys, I let them. And I just walk away and go lay in bed and cry some more. So they got an extra 15-20 minutes of playtime. I didn't even read with them or anything tonight. I just put them in their cribs and said "I love you" and closed the door.

And here I sit. My head hurts from crying. I should pick up the living room and put their presents out, but I don't feel like it. Some people drown their sorrows with drinking, but I'm drowning them with food. I'm pigging out on a donut and cookies and milk... It's Christmas Eve after all, so that is my treat to "Santa."

I keep trying to tell myself that this is just like any other day, that it shouldn't be this hard to get through. But it is like a fresh new hell again. And I hate it. I hate that the happiness and magic and excitement of the holidays is gone. Just when it was getting exciting again because of having kids, it all went to shit because you died. It's not fucking fair, and I hate it. I hate this bullshit so much.

Anyway, I guess that's it. I miss you.

Hearts.

Basket Case

Hey boo,

How's it going?

I can feel myself starting to basket case about stuff. Yeah, I just used basket case as a verb, so what? :-)

a) The holidays are coming up. Which blows.

b) I'm pretty much jealous of everyone's "happy" life. Even if their happy life is really just fighting with thier husband, at least they have a husband to fight with.

c) Will is the same age as the girls were when you died. And just watching him makes me think of the girls at that age, and just how different life was. I also just look at him and remember how you don't even know him, and he doesn't know you. And it makes me so fricken angry and sad. Blah.

I went to Family Fare during lunch today, and I can't even remember what I saw in the store, but I know it made me all emotional, with that "about to cry" feeling that I had to push down. I think it might have been something about Christmas, or who knows what.

Basically, I'm at a crazy level of tired, so I can hardly think straight. I can never call the kids by the right name anymore, and sometimes I can hardly even get a sentence out to tell them what to do or answer a question.

I know I need to start taking care of myself and getting more sleep. But it's just hard to do. (Violet would say "It's hard to do though." It's something she says a lot.)

Anyway, bleh. I'm missing you. A lot a bit.

Ok, hearts.

Really?

Hey boo,

How's it going?

So, I was just in a stand-up meeting where the team debated if we should cross something out with an "X" or just white it out. For fifteen minutes.

Really?

An "X" or white-out. #EngineeringProblems

Just thought I'd share.

Miss you 100% of the time.

Hearts!

Highs and Low

Hey boo,

How's it going? I'm in a rut again.

That's how it is lately. I go through highs and lows.

During my highs, I'm just chugging along, going day to day, trying my best to make life good again.

During my lows, I'm a big, blah, ballface. I'm tired and I have no motivation. And it's so hard to pull myself out again.

Sometimes it helps to just have a good cry session, and that will pull me out of the rut. But sometimes that just exhausts me even more.

I'm blah right now because of Halloween. I see everyone's happy family pictures on FB, and I'm jealous. Our "happy family" picture is missing a part of our family. And I hate it. It's not fair.

I think about what we should be doing. Taking the kids trick-or-treating. Seeing how cute they look in their costumes. Carving pumpkins. And all that stuff. I hate it that you are missing all of this. And I hate that I'm doing it alone, or with my mom. Have I mentioned it's not fair.

And I feel like it's past the time that is "acceptable" to hurt so bad. Ever since I hit the 1-year mark, I've been trying so hard to get back to "normal." To pull my head out of my ass and start living again. But that doesn't mean it's not still hard, or that it doesn't still hurt so bad. It doesn't mean that I'm "OK" with what happened to us. And it doesn't mean I don't still miss you like crazy.

The last thing I used to say or think before I went to bed was that I was ready to wake up from this nightmare. Now the last thing I say is "Chaz, come home." I don't even know what I mean by that, or what I'd expect. I just want to go back to that last week, and have a re-do, to make it all better. I never, EVER thought that when you left that night, that you wouldn't be coming back.

This just sucks. And I hate that their is no relief from it. I keep going, and there are times when I think that I'm doing OK, that we are going to get through this. And then there are times where it's like, nope, not going to make it through the next 5 minutes.

Ugh... Anyway, the kids are going to wake up from nap soon, and I still need to eat lunch.

I miss you.

Hearts.

In My Dreams

Hey Boo,

How's it going? I'm just the usual...

So, I had a "dream" about you last night. I put it in quotes because it just seemed so real, but now it's starting to fade, so I can never distinguish if it was a dream or not. This was my second time something like this happened. Although I have had one other actual dream before.

What I've realized is that even in my dreams, I know you are dead. I think this whole thing has affected me so deeply that my brain can't even imagine a life where none of this ever happened. It just can't create a fairy tale.

So anyway, what I remember about last nights dream is just bits and pieces.

First, I remember a hand. That's all I can "see," but really, I can't even see it, it was more of just a sense. It was like I was touching a hand, when suddenly I realized that it felt just like your hand. I felt the fingers and put my palm against the hand's palm and it was just like your hand. And then it was like I was squeezing your hand, trying so hard to figure out if it was really yours. And then you did your typical "double squeeze" thing to my hand to say "love you," so I did my typical response of a "single squeeze" back to mean "love." And I knew it was you. And it was awesome.

Next, I remember hearing your voice. And I was thinking, oh my word, it's Chaz's voice. It sounds just like Chaz. And it's like I knew you were next to me in bed. I can't remember what you said though. And again, I can't remember seeing you, it was more of just a feeling. Like I could feel the weight of you next to me.

The last part I remember is you standing by the bedroom window. I feel like you were telling me to look at something. I couldn't see exactly you, it was more like a silhouette. The blinds to our window were open, and I could see the sky from where I was laying, and it was nighttime still, but the sky was a really pretty color, like a dark blue but with light shining. It's hard to explain because it was almost like something that is only in a cartoon or picture. It is definitely not like any sky I've ever seen in real life.

Anyway, you were telling me to look at something, but I didn't want to. I was scared. I was hiding my head under the covers, not wanting to look, and I didn't want you to go, I wanted you to come back.

And that's all I remember.

So yeah, that's it. It was so awesome and so horrible at the same time. I loved hearing your voice and feeling your hand. And while it makes me feel good, I am also just so sad and missing you so much more today.

And I'm stuck wondering if that was just a dream, or was it something more? I'd like to think it was something more, and that you were coming to visit me, but my personality just struggles with it still.

Well, that's it for now. I'll write about my other "dreams" another time.

I miss you.

Lovebuckets.

Goofy Kids

Hey boo,

How's it going?

We have the goofiest kids ever! While they can frustrate me to no end, there are other times where they just crack me up, or melt my heart from cuteness!

With the girls being talking machines, they say the funniest things. And then there are some things that they are saying wrong, but I won't correct them because I just love it so much.

For example, Violet says "ice cone." That means "ice cream cone." Both girls also refer to a pine cone as an "ice cone" too!

Charlotte sings "Twinkle little star, how I wonder, how are you?" And I'm pretty sure my mom thinks that is how the song goes because my mom sings it that way back to her... Oh well, she can sing it like that, it won't hurt for now!

They also sing Baa baa black sheep... And they say "One for the master, one for the day!" Instead of dame...

Violet might be inheriting some of my moms dyslexia (remember over hang?). She will occasionally say something backwards, the most recent example being "feed bird" for a "bird feeder."

Yesterday before spa, Violet was running around nakee, and Charlotte was behind her and Violet tooted so big! She basically farted right on her sister, with no clothing to filter it! I had to hide my face so she wouldn't know I was laughing about it.

Some sad stuff is that I still have your belt hanging off the coat hook in the kitchen. And Violet was grabbing it and pulling it. And I told her not to play with it because it was Daddy's and I didn't want it to break. And she said "Oh, he forgot it?" And I was just like, "um... not really... I don't know how to explain it..." And then I decided to say "He couldn't bring it with him, so it had to stay here." And she said, "Oh."

Speaking of "Oh." Will says that all the time! I'll say something to him like, "the bus is  yellow." And he just says "Oh." Ha! Apparently I'm not very interesting!

His vocabulary is really so much better than the girls at this age. Remember we were so excited about Violet says "doctor" as one of her first 2-syllable "big" words. Will is already starting to string 2 words together... Like "right there" (righ dare) or "in there" (in dare) or "no way." He also says "monkey," "pumpkin" (pung-kn), "sisser" (sister), "Charlotte" (I can't even phonetically spell how he says it, but it's cute), "Violet" (Vi-lt)... Oh, he also says "No!" a lot, which is of course super awesome... :-P But a cute way he says "no" is when he's playing a puzzle. He puts a piece in a spot, and if it doesn't fit, he says "nooooo," and then he tries another spot and says "noooo..." He's obviously repeating what the adult usually says when it goes in the wrong spot, it's so cute!

There is so much more I have to tell you, but I keep forgetting...

I wish you were here so much to see this. You would love it!

I miss you.

Hearts.

I Figured it Out

Hey Boo,

How's it going?

Well, I finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up! I'm kind of excited about it. I'm excited to do something I actually enjoy.

But now I need to implement it... That is the scary part...

Lovebuckets!