Fluent Sarah

Hey boo,

How's it going?

So, I can't remember if I wrote you about this already, but every since you died, my vocabulary has changed.

I would say that you spoke fluent "Sarah."  As in, I had my own language, and you totally understood it.  And you even joined in on some of it.  Maybe the language actually became "SarahChaz" because we were the only ones who could speak and understand it...

But now, I can't talk the same way I used to, because nobody would get it.

Who would understand if I said "There's a package on the dock."?  Nobody.  Now I just have to say, "There's a package by the front door."

But a little bit of our language is starting to slip back in every once in a while...

Last week, I called Will a "sicky moo."  Pretty much "moo" could follow anything in relation to the kids, because they are my "little moos."  :-)  I hadn't said "moo" with anything in almost 7 months...  It felt weird to say it again!

Then there are things that I didn't even notice that I still say, but the girls have said it to me, and it makes me laugh!

Violet has started describing things as "funny."  For example, twice this weekend she said "My pants are funny."  They were being too long, so she was stepping on them and needed me to roll them up.

I used to describe everything as "funny."  It was basically a universal term to say that whatever object I referred to was not in it's typical/preferred form.  Any time I would say something was "funny", you would go "Ha!" :-)  You were hilarious like that.

It was pretty hilarious hearing Violet say it.

So maybe I will pass on a little bit of our language to them.  And we'll probably keep adding to it too...

Missing you like whoa.

Hearts.

Mommy-Daddy Date Days

Hey boo,

How's it going?

I forgot that I wanted to tell you my idea so I don't forget...

So, remember how we used to have Mommy-Daddy Date Days, where we would send the kids to school, but take a vacation day from work. That way we didn't have to worry about getting a sitter, but still get time with just us, away from the kids.

Anyways, I NEVER get one-on-one time with any of the kids.  And that's not fair to them.  I feel like I'm always telling someone to "hang on" or "wait a minute" because I'm changing someone else's diaper, or comforting someone because they got hurt, or who knows what else.

It's not fair to me either.  I love our babies and I want focused time with each one.  I hate always being scatterbrained and rushed, and my attention divided in 3 different directions... I feel like I'm missing out on these precious days of baby-hood and toddler-hood.

So, I decided I'm going to do some Mommy-Kid Date Days this spring.

Hopefully by the time May roles around, I'll still have enough vacation time left...  But I'll take a whole week off (so 3 days), and each day I will keep one kid OUT of daycare, but still send the other 2 TO daycare.  And then I will have 1 whole day focused on that baby!

Sounds like a good plan, right?

My only concern is the girls.  They NEVER have time apart.  I think it might be a freak-out situation when I leave one at daycare and bring the other one home with me...  I'll have to think about the logistics of that whole thing soon.

I figured I'd do it in May when it's warmer out, because then we could do something fun.  Our kick-ass neighbors got our family a zoo membership for Christmas.  So I was thinking I could bring each kid to the zoo, since we can go as often as we want.  I might get sick of the zoo, but I think the kids will love it.  And I'd hope they like spending time with me too!

So yeah, remind me that I'm going to do this.  And I need to figure out how many vacation days I have left!

Ok, hearts!

Bad for Me Food

Hey Boo,

How's it going?  I'm exhausted.

Sometimes I miss the stupidest things about you.  Remember when you would call on your way home from work and ask "What's for dinner?"  And I would say "Nothing, pick something up."  And you would ask, "What do you want?"  And I would say "Bad for me food and a keg of Diet Coke."

And you would know just what to get.

I miss that.  I miss someone knowing me better than I know myself.  I miss you.

Hearts.

Will Does NOT Like Lima Beans

Hey boo,

How's it going?

In case you were wondering, Will does NOT like lima beans.  :-P

Remember one time you bought a bag of frozen lima beans, and I was like, um, no way, we are NOT eating those.  And then I told you the story of when my mom made me try a lima bean (because you are supposed to try things in order to know you don't like them), and I ate it, and then I immediately threw up.  And I was like, "See, I told you I don't like lima beans!"

Anyways, you cooked half the bag anyways, and served them to the girls when they were younger, before Will was born.  And they immediately spit them out.  And you could hardly eat them too.

So the other half of the bag of lima beans has been in our freezer ever since...  I'm trying to use up the food that we have and go grocery shopping less, because seriously, we have a ton of food and we waste a lot of it.  So today, I thought to myself, I'm cooking lima beans for Will's lunch.

The look on his face was priceless!  Pretty much he opened his mouth big and wide and was sticking his tongue out and gagging trying to get the lima bean out of his mouth, and then gave me a look that was like "why did you do that to me, woman??!?!" :-)

So yeah, it's safe to say that nobody in our family likes lima beans! :-P  But at least I got rid of the package of lima beans, and I don't feel so bad that I just threw it away without even attempting to cook them.

Lima beans = gross!

Ok, lovebuckets!

Crazy Person

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I'm going absolutely ape-shit crazy.

Seriously, I am a hot. mess. of. crazy.

When people come up to me and say "Hi, how are you?"  obviously, my automatic response is "Fine, thanks.  And you?"

But sometimes, I am this close to saying "Absolutely fucking horrible."

I don't say that, because the other person doesn't deserve my snarky, no-good, cynical attitude...

Basically, I'm hanging on by the most minuscule thread ever.  My cracks are cracking.  And soon, I probably won't be able to hold in my honest response.

Seriously, I wish there was something I could go all "PC Load Letter" on.  The other day I chucked my pen at my computer screen at work.  Take that you stupid fucking computer!  Yeah, it didn't really help.

Anyways, I am so screwed up.  And it's getting harder to pretend that I'm not.

But despite all my crazyness, my therapist says that certain things and changes in me show "growth."  So, I guess "yay" for that...  But I don't even know what I'm supposed to be "growing" towards...

Shoot, that reminds me, I had a homework assignment.  I'm supposed to write down some of my goals, long-term, short-term, whatever.  Hmmm... For short term, how about to get through the next 60 seconds.  Long term, to get through the next 5 minutes.  Sounds good to me!  I don't think that's what she had in mind though, I'd probably fail that assignment...

Anyways, I miss the shit out of you.  Yeah, who cares if that doesn't make sense.

Hearts and farts.

The Little Things

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I'm my usual blah self...

So, one of the things that I'm always worried about is forgetting.  Forgetting how you look, how you smell, how your hands felt.  Forgetting the little idiosyncrasies that you had.  Forgetting all the memories we made together.  Forgetting what it was like on just a typical day of "us."

I keep telling myself I'm going to write it all down before I forget.  But when I have a few minutes to spare, I just can't think of anything to write!  It is so weird.

But as I go through the motions of the day, little things will remind me of you.  And I think "I need to write that down.  Remember to write that down tonight!"  But of course, I forget... I feel like I need one of those voice recorder things to say my thoughts when I'm not able to write them down... I'm sure I'd be super cool doing that! :-P

I try to include little bits of memories in relation to whatever I'm emailing you.  But those little bits are SO SMALL compared to EVERYTHING that I NEED to remember.

But I guess I have to start somewhere...

So, here's one of the stupid, insignificant, little things that just I don't want to forget:

Yesterday, the girls were suddenly interested in looking inside their sippy cups at their milk.  "I wan' see it!" is what they say...  So, I unscrew the lid off Charlotte's sippy cup, and show her.  Then of course Violet "wan' see it!" so I show her too.  Then Violet wants to see in her own sippy cup, so I have to show her and Charlotte that one too.

Then they want to see "Momma's milk", which is really my can of Diet Coke.

So, obviously there is no lid to take off of the can, it's just the little hole in the top that they can look in.

And that's when I remembered how you would open your can of pop.  You would only push the little tab thingy half-way down.  It would drive me nuts!  To me, it seemed like the can of pop was only half way open!  If for some reason I was taking a sip of your pop, I would push the tab all the way down, and that would annoy you!

Seriously.  It's just the little things...

Oh, and this reminds me of one more thing!  You LOVED "skinny" straws.  I think Wendy's had the best straws according to you.  You hated when they were too fat.  I don't remember why, but I do remember that.  I wish you were here so I could ask you "why?"

Oh, and today my cell phone rang while I was driving in my car.  Of course, who calls me in the middle of the day??!?!  And the first person I thought it might be was you.  And then I was like, oh.

Sigh...

When someone looks at their child and thinks "how is it possible to love someone SO MUCH?"  I now think, "how is it possible to MISS someone SO MUCH?"

I miss you.  A LOT.

Lovebuckets.

Feeling Judged...

Hey boo,

How's it going?

I'm feeling pretty darn blah.

I have about a million things that I need to do, and I have no motivation to even start.  I just want to sit and do nothing.  Maybe veg out and watch TV.  Like, actually watch TV.  Not just have it on in the background as I'm doing other stuff.  And not feel guilty about sitting there, watching TV, wasting time.

I'm hungry, and the fridge and pantry have plenty of food in them.  But of course, I want none of that.  What I want is for you to run out to China and pick up some crab rangoons for us... That would make this Saturday night perfect...

I've been staying away from my Facebook newsfeed this week, but do I pop on to check messages and stuff.  So, tonight, the thing at the top of my newsfeed is some article about "mommy" stuff... I know, I said before that I hate those articles, and I try not to read them because I know they are just going to upset me.  But I couldn't help but click on it...

That was a mistake.

This article was one of the MOST judgmental articles I've read yet!  It's articles like that that make people so self-conscious about they way they parent.  It's articles like that that make everyone try so hard to appear to be the "perfect" parent.

The author claims we are all on the "same team" so she is just letting us know about this stuff.  But really, if we were on the same team, I think we should just be giving each other a high-five for making it through another day.

I think reading that article is what has really gotten me down tonight, and put my anxiety through the roof.

I'm trying to settle down by telling myself that this woman doesn't know me.  She doesn't know my situation.  This article was not targeted at me.

But it just makes me wonder "is this what everyone out there is thinking?" This woman just happened to "say it out loud."???  So again, it's that feeling of always being judged.  Ugh, it's so annoying and frustrating.

Ya know what?  I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what I'm doing as I'm raising these kids.  Almost EVERY MINUTE of EVERY DAY is consumed with worry about if  I'm doing the "right" thing or not.  And adding on the thought that everyone else is judging what I'm doing just adds fuel to the fire.

I am FAR from perfect.  I am going to make A TON of mistakes.  Ya know what, most of the stuff I do is probably going to start out as a mistake, that I'm going to have to learn from.

If another parent on the "same team" sees that I am doing something "wrong", I would hope that instead of criticizing, they might instead think that the "wrong" thing might actually be "right" in our family.  It works for us.  And if I really am struggling (which I always am) and I am at my wits end, then I might decide to ask for that parent's opinion.  And then that other parent can provide "advice."  But it still might NOT work for us.

Anyways, I'm rambling and not forming complete thoughts.  But basically, as if I don't have enough to worry about, I am yet again reminded that I also need to worry about all that judgement out there.  I know I shouldn't think about it, but it is REALLY HARD not to!

So I guess for now it's just deep breaths, and counting to 10.  Trying to ground myself.  And "checking the facts."

Blah.

I miss you so much.

Hearts.