In My Dreams

Hey Boo,

How's it going? I'm just the usual...

So, I had a "dream" about you last night. I put it in quotes because it just seemed so real, but now it's starting to fade, so I can never distinguish if it was a dream or not. This was my second time something like this happened. Although I have had one other actual dream before.

What I've realized is that even in my dreams, I know you are dead. I think this whole thing has affected me so deeply that my brain can't even imagine a life where none of this ever happened. It just can't create a fairy tale.

So anyway, what I remember about last nights dream is just bits and pieces.

First, I remember a hand. That's all I can "see," but really, I can't even see it, it was more of just a sense. It was like I was touching a hand, when suddenly I realized that it felt just like your hand. I felt the fingers and put my palm against the hand's palm and it was just like your hand. And then it was like I was squeezing your hand, trying so hard to figure out if it was really yours. And then you did your typical "double squeeze" thing to my hand to say "love you," so I did my typical response of a "single squeeze" back to mean "love." And I knew it was you. And it was awesome.

Next, I remember hearing your voice. And I was thinking, oh my word, it's Chaz's voice. It sounds just like Chaz. And it's like I knew you were next to me in bed. I can't remember what you said though. And again, I can't remember seeing you, it was more of just a feeling. Like I could feel the weight of you next to me.

The last part I remember is you standing by the bedroom window. I feel like you were telling me to look at something. I couldn't see exactly you, it was more like a silhouette. The blinds to our window were open, and I could see the sky from where I was laying, and it was nighttime still, but the sky was a really pretty color, like a dark blue but with light shining. It's hard to explain because it was almost like something that is only in a cartoon or picture. It is definitely not like any sky I've ever seen in real life.

Anyway, you were telling me to look at something, but I didn't want to. I was scared. I was hiding my head under the covers, not wanting to look, and I didn't want you to go, I wanted you to come back.

And that's all I remember.

So yeah, that's it. It was so awesome and so horrible at the same time. I loved hearing your voice and feeling your hand. And while it makes me feel good, I am also just so sad and missing you so much more today.

And I'm stuck wondering if that was just a dream, or was it something more? I'd like to think it was something more, and that you were coming to visit me, but my personality just struggles with it still.

Well, that's it for now. I'll write about my other "dreams" another time.

I miss you.

Lovebuckets.

Goofy Kids

Hey boo,

How's it going?

We have the goofiest kids ever! While they can frustrate me to no end, there are other times where they just crack me up, or melt my heart from cuteness!

With the girls being talking machines, they say the funniest things. And then there are some things that they are saying wrong, but I won't correct them because I just love it so much.

For example, Violet says "ice cone." That means "ice cream cone." Both girls also refer to a pine cone as an "ice cone" too!

Charlotte sings "Twinkle little star, how I wonder, how are you?" And I'm pretty sure my mom thinks that is how the song goes because my mom sings it that way back to her... Oh well, she can sing it like that, it won't hurt for now!

They also sing Baa baa black sheep... And they say "One for the master, one for the day!" Instead of dame...

Violet might be inheriting some of my moms dyslexia (remember over hang?). She will occasionally say something backwards, the most recent example being "feed bird" for a "bird feeder."

Yesterday before spa, Violet was running around nakee, and Charlotte was behind her and Violet tooted so big! She basically farted right on her sister, with no clothing to filter it! I had to hide my face so she wouldn't know I was laughing about it.

Some sad stuff is that I still have your belt hanging off the coat hook in the kitchen. And Violet was grabbing it and pulling it. And I told her not to play with it because it was Daddy's and I didn't want it to break. And she said "Oh, he forgot it?" And I was just like, "um... not really... I don't know how to explain it..." And then I decided to say "He couldn't bring it with him, so it had to stay here." And she said, "Oh."

Speaking of "Oh." Will says that all the time! I'll say something to him like, "the bus is  yellow." And he just says "Oh." Ha! Apparently I'm not very interesting!

His vocabulary is really so much better than the girls at this age. Remember we were so excited about Violet says "doctor" as one of her first 2-syllable "big" words. Will is already starting to string 2 words together... Like "right there" (righ dare) or "in there" (in dare) or "no way." He also says "monkey," "pumpkin" (pung-kn), "sisser" (sister), "Charlotte" (I can't even phonetically spell how he says it, but it's cute), "Violet" (Vi-lt)... Oh, he also says "No!" a lot, which is of course super awesome... :-P But a cute way he says "no" is when he's playing a puzzle. He puts a piece in a spot, and if it doesn't fit, he says "nooooo," and then he tries another spot and says "noooo..." He's obviously repeating what the adult usually says when it goes in the wrong spot, it's so cute!

There is so much more I have to tell you, but I keep forgetting...

I wish you were here so much to see this. You would love it!

I miss you.

Hearts.

I Figured it Out

Hey Boo,

How's it going?

Well, I finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up! I'm kind of excited about it. I'm excited to do something I actually enjoy.

But now I need to implement it... That is the scary part...

Lovebuckets!

Blah...

Hey boo,

How's it going? I'm blah.

I have no motivation. I'm tired. I'm "cement."

It's been a horribly unproductive night. And I have a to-do list that is so long I can't even see the end of it.

So... we have to get our backyard regraded.  I know, you're thinking "Well, no shit!"

Yes, I know we've always known that, but we were too cheap to ever take care of it after our landscaping was completed.

Well, now we have neighbors. And I guess we're the cause of their "wash out problem" according to their landscaping company.

So now I'm waiting on an estimate to get our backyard regraded. Awesome.

It's a good and bad thing. We've always known about the problem, and we always wanted to take care of it, but we never did because we weren't motivated, and we were cheap, and there just wasn't a need for it. So I'm actually glad to get it done. The kids will actually be able to play on the swingset because our backyard will (hopefully) be dry.

But it's also like, oh shit, unplanned expense. And I'm slightly annoyed that I have to get it fixed because it's hurting my neighbors yard. Technically, we could live with a wet backyard... But I'll be nice and get it taken care of...

So yeah, whatevs...

And the kids are making me bonkers. Well, mostly just the girls. Will is so low-maintenance. The girls just do NOT listen anymore. It's like there was a wall built between me and them so they can't hear me or something.

I start out nice, like "Hey Char, come over here so I can put your hair in a ponytail please." She looks at me like whatever, and continues to do whatever she is doing, typically reading a book or playing blocks or something.

So then I'm like "Charlotte, I need to put your hair in ponytail. Come. Here. Please." In a little bit angrier tone. I hear "No!" or "I don't want a ponytail!"

Me, still trying to maintain my cool: "I'm sorry, but I have to put a ponytail in your hair before school so your hair isn't all crazy in your face."

Charlotte: ignores me.

Me: "Charlotte. Come here." More pissed.

No response.

"Charlotte! Can you here me?!?! I said COME HERE. NOW!"

No response.

Yes, I know I've made it worse by starting to yell. But we are ALWAYS late in the morning. I'm so tired all the time, it's so hard for me to get out of bed when the alarm goes off. Which means we all wake up late.

So I'm always rushing, and never thinking. I even try to tell them that we are very late and we need to hurry. But they like to move at their own pace.

Yes, they are toddlers. They are 2 (almost 3, eeek!). But still, it is so frustrating when you want something done, and they don't do it.

That is the #1 reason I yell. When they don't listen. I can't fricken stand it.

So anyways, we had that tonight at bedtime.

"Charlotte, lay down and I'll snuggle you in."
"No, I wanna sit!"
"Ok, well if you don't lay down, then I'm going downstairs."
"No, lay on the floor with us!" (I typically lay on the floor and read a book for 10-15 minutes, sometimes way longer, when they are going to sleep).
"Ok, well, then you need to be laying down and close your eyes."
"No, I wanna sit!"
"Charlotte, you can lay down and close your eyes and I'll stay in here with you, but if you stay sitting then I'm going downstairs." (word on the street is that giving them options is supposed to help. It never does for us, I must suck at giving them choices or something).
"No!"
"Ok, then I'm going downstairs. I love you, nigh-nigh." And I walk out and close the door.
Commence screaming crying! "SNUGGLE ME IN! MAAAHHHHMAAAAHHH! SNUGGLE ME IN!"
I try to be tough, and let her scream. But it's hard for me. It's like, I don't want to go to bed 'mad at each other.' So after 5 minutes, I usually go in. But by then, she's at the point of no return, and she is a crying screaming mess. So there is just a bunch of back and forth, power struggle, for the next 30 minutes while I try to get her to go to bed.

Meanwhile, Violet is in her crib saying "Momma, I not crying." Me: "I know, Violet. Thank you for not crying."
Violet: "That make you happy though?"
"Yes, Violet. It makes me happy that you are not crying."
"Charlotte's crying."
"I know sweetie, I hear her."
"Why Charlotte crying?"
"I don't know sweetie. I guess she's feeling sad."
"I not sad Momma."
"Good, I'm glad."

Anyway, I just wish you were here to see all this madness. I wonder how you would be reacting to all this. I wonder how things would be different if you had been here the past year.

I look at Will, and I wonder what you would think of him. I have hardly any memories of you and Will together, because Will was always with me for his first 4 months. So it's a lot harder for me to imagine what you'd be thinking. I know you'd love him so much though. He is so stinkin' cute, it hurts. He's my little man and my baby, all in one. I'd like to think that you'd love to rough-house with him, and wrestle and be tough. You know, stereotypical boy stuff. But he's kind of a pansy I think. I know, I'm sorry. I know you wouldn't want it that way.

A part of me is OK with him being gentle and sensitive. I'm OK with the fact that his lovie is a pink girl bunny. I'm OK with the fact that when I pick him up from school, he's playing with baby dolls. I'm OK with the fact that he pushes strollers around and that most of the toys he plays with are pink.

But still... There is that part of me that wants a little bit of toughness, a little bit of manliness for him. I don't want him to be so one-sided, I guess... I want a good balance between sensitive and tough. I want him to be well-rounded.

Anyways, this was all sorts of random. And I accomplished nothing. I could have at least tried to go to bed early or something...

Oh well... I miss you.

Hearts.

Change is a brewin'

Hey boo,

How's it going? In general, it's the same ol', same ol' over here, but change is also beginning too.

I think things will definitely be changing over the next year for me. Or, at least I hope they will be.

I've been working on figuring what I want to be when I grow up, and I am slowly moving in that direction. I know it won't fix things for me, but I think it is actually something that might help make life more bearable.

I'm not sitting around waiting for opportunities to fall in my lap, but if you are somewhere that you can pull some strings, try to help me move in the right direction as I search.

I always have a hard time when people say "things happen for a reason." I have trouble subscribing to that idea because why are such horrible monsters of people allowed to exist while a loving father gets taken away? But then sometimes I wonder if I am supposed to be doing something great. I won't be changing the world, but I might make a difference for a few people that could help the generations following them.

Kind of like a ripple, I guess. If I help 2 people, and then they each help 2 more, and then those people each help another 2, before you know it, that could be a major impact.

But then I step back and think, well, I could have done that with you here! Was this the slap in the face I needed to push me towards that? Because it was way more than a slap, it was more like getting hit by a train...

Anyways, I miss you so much. I never stop getting the urge to really email you. Or have that split second thought that when I get an email notification, it might be something from you. Will that ever go away?

The kids miss you too. Will is talking so much, and I realized I never taught him how to say Daddy, so I've been working with him more on that. He says "Dah-dee!" And when I show him a picture and say "Where's Daddy?" He points to you and says "Dare!" (which means "there.")

Violet loves to ask questions. We have a family picture hanging on the wall, and when I'm standing by it, she says "2 mommies!" (which might be strange if she starts saying that in public.) But it's because there is a mommy in the picture and a mommy standing in real life.

And then she says "Daddy!" And I say "Yup, there's Daddy in the picture." And she asks "Where is Daddy though?" (though is one of her favorite words, she says it a lot at the end of sentences.) And I say "Remember, Daddy died." And she says "Why?" And I say, "Because he got very, very, very, very, very, very, very sick." (the "books" say to use a bazillion "verys" so that kids know the difference between regular sick, and won't think they are going to die when they have a cold or something.) And she says "Why?" And I say "Because he got a big, big, big, big, big, big owie and his body wouldn't work anymore." (again, something the books say to say.) And she says "Why?" And I finally just have to say "I don't know baby..."

I wish I knew "Why?"

Anyways, that's it for now. I miss you.

Hearts.

Potty Training Stories

Hey boo,

How's it going?

I wish you here for this potty training thing. I wonder how you would handle all of it. Sometimes I handle it OK, and other times these girls drive me absolutely bonkers! And then there are still other times that they just make me crack up.

The other day, Violet was going potty on the big potty, and Charlotte was on the little potty. They were actually both going #2.

So Violet is pushing away and of course, she poops. And she looks down and says, "Whoa! That's a lot of them!!!" And then she looks at me and says, "Look Mom! I got a lot of poop!"

Sigh... No, I didn't go look. I just said, "Wow, that's awesome..." from where I was standing in the doorway.

But Charlotte stands up from her potty and says "Let me see!"

And Violet says "Look Char!" and points into the toilet.

Charlotte does her funny oh-face (ugh, I know, horrible term but that is the only way to describe it!), and she looks at me and says "It's like fishies!"

That made me laugh so big! Those girls are nuts.

As if my world didn't revolve around poop enough... I feel like potty training has made it even MORE the central focus of my life!

Ugh... poop...

OK, that's it. Hearts.

Just Sad

Hey boo,

How's it going? I'm feeling exceptionally sad today...

I think about all those families affected by today, and my heart hurts even more for them. It's strange, because I've had my own heartbreak, but I still can't imagine what their pain is like. I know what they feel, but I don't know what they feel. If that makes sense?

Basically, everyone's story is different. And just the entire tragedy and horror around what happened to those families makes me completely unable to relate to them.

Sigh...

I'm also extra sad because the kids are growing up so fast. I wish so much that you could see them. You would be so proud. Even though they make me crazy, they are so awesome at the same time.

And they are so funny. Sometimes it's hard not to laugh at them when I'm frustrated/angry with them. I guess they have your talent for making me smile when I don't want to.

I'm potty training the girls, and it's just chaos. The girls have to go pee at least 905,489 times before bed. It now takes an extra hour for them to go to sleep because of it. Tonight it was 9:40 before they went potty for the last time.

Last weekend, during one of Violet's millionth trips to go potty, there was no pee coming out. I was more than frustrated and exhausted. She was just playing in there, touching everything, which totally grosses me out.

So I'm say "Violet, don't touch anything! Just go pee! If I don't see any pee coming out, I'm going to be very mad!"

So she leans over and touches the counter.

And I say, "Violet!!! I said DO NOT touch anything!"

And she just looks up at me, and whispers softly, "I touch my leg." And then touches her leg with one finger.

GAH! That girl. It was so bratty but so funny at the same time. I don't even remember how I responded to that, I was just like, oh my word... Seriously, that girl is something else...

I have about 1000 more potty training stories. But I'm too tired to share right now.

But you should just see these kids. The girls are suddenly so tall, and just looking so grown up. Charlotte's hair is so long, I love it. Sometimes just the way they stand, or walk... Ugh, I don't know how to explain it, but I can just see how they are growing.

And that makes me sad, because I always want to freeze them at their current age, so they don't grow any older. I want them to my babies forever.

The girls already says "I'm not a baby!" whenever I say something like "Come here baby."

And Will... Oh, Will... He is turning in to a boy! He is so chill and relaxed, but when he gets angry, watch out! He can be rough.

He can say so many words now. He really communicates well, I know exactly what he wants or needs. And he KNOWS he's the baby. He can just give me this sad little look, and I come running to give him hugs. He's going to be spoiled.

All the kids are going to be spoiled.

I'm a big fan of "not crying," so I feel like I appease whatever they want... Because most of it doesn't matter.

So you want to wear those yellow and white polka dot pants with a pink shirt that has a brown monkey on it. Go for it. It's just clothes.

So you want me to move your chair to that side of the table during dinner. Fine. As long as you're eating, I don't care where you sit.

The main things I really lay the law down is hitting, biting, pushing, or other general meanness that happens. I also am working on stealing toys. I'm big into teaching them to ask the other person nicely, and if the other person says "No!" Then you have to accept that because they were playing with it first, and you ask them if they will give it to you when their turn is done. You have to be patient and wait for it.

Yeah... we're working on that... I'd say we're 20% there... :-)

I don't know. I'm just rambling. I'm looking at "your spot" where you should be sitting, and I am missing you so much.

Have I mentioned how much this sucks?

Ok, lovebuckets...