Hey boo,
How's it going? I'm cement...
Remember how I always used to say that when I didn't want to get out of bed. I was cement because I was too tired to even move any part of my body. Of course, that was a little bit of an exaggeration, but hey, that's how I roll.
But yeah, I'm feeling like cement right now...
Of course, it's because I'm tired.
But I'm also just exceptionally blah. Is that an oxymoron?
Anyways, I'm having Will's 1st birthday party with my family tomorrow. And I'm bummin' big time about it...
I didn't even want to have a party, but I know that it is actually something I HAVE to do. For Will. It's not fair that he's had such a crappy first year. I can't just let his birthday go by unnoticed.
So yeah, it's party time. Woooo... :-P
I tried to get myself pumped up and excited for the party... I bought Will a cute little outfit, and I am decorating the house. I ordered a cake and food.
But it still can't hide the obvious fact that you won't be there.
And it just really sucks.
You are missing our son's first birthday! I hate this so much.
I'm pretty sure I am dreading Will's birthday as much as I dreaded Christmas. It is just so incredibly hard to think of what you missed with him. EVERYTHING! Rolling over for the first time, his first laugh, his first time crawling, his first time pulling up, his first haircut, and I could go on and on and on... You weren't there for his "firsts" and you're not going to be there for the seconds and thirds, and so much more.
Have I mentioned how unfair this is. How this is just complete bullshit.
You know, I think that everyday. That this is all just bullshit. BULL. SHIT.
So yeah, I'm supposed to be finishing up decorating and getting ready for his party tomorrow. But I'm cement. I'm hungry, but I can't get off this stool and get something. I'm stuck.
I'm stuck in this hell that has become my life.
Bleh.
Ok, that's it. I miss you so much. Hearts!
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
My Life is Sh!tty... Literally!
Hey boo,
How's it going? Oh, you know, my world is all about sh!t these days...
Seriously, I feel like poop is almost at the top of my list for things that I think about/deal with/talk about/worry about. No joke.
First, there's Violet's whole constipation thing... Ugh, watching her go through this is shear torture to me. I literally have tears in my eyes when she is finally pooping because it is such a struggle for her. There are times where she is crying because she's pooping. Other times, I can just see her pushing so hard, and she does this weird little gasp thing because she's holding her breath while pushing. For real, if I'm nowhere near her, for example, she's in her crib about to go to nappy, but I hear that gasp sound, I know that she's pooping and that she will be crying for me any second.
I am trying to be supportive to her, so I sit right by her while she is going, and now I even hold her hand. She even asks me to hold her hand when she is finally going to go poop. I continue to reassure her that it's OK to go poopoo, and she should try to go poopoo every day so that it doesn't give her "owie." Any time she poops, it's like a huge celebration while I'm changing her diaper. I'm all happy and excited and high-fiving her, no matter how disgusting it smells or looks or that it got all over the floor or whatever, because I want her to know that pooping is a good thing!
The pediatrician had me change her diet. I might have mentioned that to you before. I cut down on her diary consumption, and increased fruits, like berries. They also told me to start giving her fiber gummies. I think that has all helped a little bit, but not enough. I am going to call them again, because I think we might need to give her miralax or something.
So yeah, that's just me worrying about poop!
Along those same lines, I feel like I'm always talking to Violet's teachers at daycare about poop. Letting them know that she hasn't pooped in a while, so try giving her apple juice. Asking if she pooped today? And if she did, what did it look like? Did she cry during it? How much was there?
Poop, poop, poop!
I even made up a catchy little song to the Bagel Bites commercial tune all about poop. Will was my inspiration, as I was changing him for what seemed like the millionth time one day...
"Poop in the morning! Poop in the evening! Poop at supper time! When you poopoo in a diaper, you can go poopoo anytime!"
I know, I'm so creative... Here's the Bagel Bites commercial I was talking about...
Speaking of Will... I feel like the majority of his poopy diapers end up being blow-outs! How does this kid produce so much poop!?!?!? Lately, when he wakes up from nap, I walk in to find his crib covered in poop because it all came out the back of his diaper. And he is doing that awesome thing where he fights through every diaper change, so poop is smearing everywhere. And he tries to grab his junk, which has poop on it, and I'm just like, AH! Don't touch!
This morning, he was up around 6:30am, but I didn't get him right away, because it's a work day so I was getting myself ready. And he wasn't crying or even fussing. I could just hear him "singing" and "talking" in his crib.
As soon as I open the door to his room... Whoa! The smell hits me! And then I see that he has poop (like water-poop) all over his crib sheets and his jammies! What!?!? I bring him to the changing table, and start stripping off his jammies, and it is just everywhere. I did my best to wipe up what I could, and then I had to give him spa because it was just EVERYWHERE! Ugh, on a work day!?!?! We are already running late! I just had to leave the girls at the kitchen table eating their cheerios while I put him in the bathtub and scrubbed him off...
And I left his crib mess for me to clean up when we got home... mmm, nummy... :-P
Hey, guess what? Poop.
Everyone had poopy diapers this evening after dinner too. Which is great, because that means Violet pooped. But it was just A LOT of poopy diapers to change, right in a row. And plus I had to clean up Will's crib. So tonight was pretty sh!tty!
So yeah, I've already felt like the world took a big sh!t on my life, figuratively. And then I deal with sh!t all day, literally.
Oh well... maybe someday I'll tell the kids about your goal to poop at every Meijer store's bathroom. It's a great thing for our bucket list, right? :-)
POOP!
Ok, that's it. Lovebuckets!
Oh, Update/PS - I was re-reading this just now, and remember how I emailed you about speaking "Fluent Sarah" a few weeks ago? Well, I totally forgot about the word we used to say all the time: "Poop-a-loop!" Like, I'd tell you that somebody pooped today, and you'd say "Poop-a-loop?" Or I'd start changing a diaper, and I'd be like "Ah, you have poop-a-loop!" I don't know, we were weird. But I loved our weirdness... Missing you...
How's it going? Oh, you know, my world is all about sh!t these days...
Seriously, I feel like poop is almost at the top of my list for things that I think about/deal with/talk about/worry about. No joke.
 |
| Click for image source |
I am trying to be supportive to her, so I sit right by her while she is going, and now I even hold her hand. She even asks me to hold her hand when she is finally going to go poop. I continue to reassure her that it's OK to go poopoo, and she should try to go poopoo every day so that it doesn't give her "owie." Any time she poops, it's like a huge celebration while I'm changing her diaper. I'm all happy and excited and high-fiving her, no matter how disgusting it smells or looks or that it got all over the floor or whatever, because I want her to know that pooping is a good thing!
The pediatrician had me change her diet. I might have mentioned that to you before. I cut down on her diary consumption, and increased fruits, like berries. They also told me to start giving her fiber gummies. I think that has all helped a little bit, but not enough. I am going to call them again, because I think we might need to give her miralax or something.
So yeah, that's just me worrying about poop!
 |
| Click for image source |
Poop, poop, poop!
I even made up a catchy little song to the Bagel Bites commercial tune all about poop. Will was my inspiration, as I was changing him for what seemed like the millionth time one day...
"Poop in the morning! Poop in the evening! Poop at supper time! When you poopoo in a diaper, you can go poopoo anytime!"
I know, I'm so creative... Here's the Bagel Bites commercial I was talking about...
Speaking of Will... I feel like the majority of his poopy diapers end up being blow-outs! How does this kid produce so much poop!?!?!? Lately, when he wakes up from nap, I walk in to find his crib covered in poop because it all came out the back of his diaper. And he is doing that awesome thing where he fights through every diaper change, so poop is smearing everywhere. And he tries to grab his junk, which has poop on it, and I'm just like, AH! Don't touch!
This morning, he was up around 6:30am, but I didn't get him right away, because it's a work day so I was getting myself ready. And he wasn't crying or even fussing. I could just hear him "singing" and "talking" in his crib.
As soon as I open the door to his room... Whoa! The smell hits me! And then I see that he has poop (like water-poop) all over his crib sheets and his jammies! What!?!? I bring him to the changing table, and start stripping off his jammies, and it is just everywhere. I did my best to wipe up what I could, and then I had to give him spa because it was just EVERYWHERE! Ugh, on a work day!?!?! We are already running late! I just had to leave the girls at the kitchen table eating their cheerios while I put him in the bathtub and scrubbed him off...
And I left his crib mess for me to clean up when we got home... mmm, nummy... :-P
Hey, guess what? Poop.
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| Click for image source |
Everyone had poopy diapers this evening after dinner too. Which is great, because that means Violet pooped. But it was just A LOT of poopy diapers to change, right in a row. And plus I had to clean up Will's crib. So tonight was pretty sh!tty!
So yeah, I've already felt like the world took a big sh!t on my life, figuratively. And then I deal with sh!t all day, literally.
Oh well... maybe someday I'll tell the kids about your goal to poop at every Meijer store's bathroom. It's a great thing for our bucket list, right? :-)
 |
| Click for image source |
Ok, that's it. Lovebuckets!
Oh, Update/PS - I was re-reading this just now, and remember how I emailed you about speaking "Fluent Sarah" a few weeks ago? Well, I totally forgot about the word we used to say all the time: "Poop-a-loop!" Like, I'd tell you that somebody pooped today, and you'd say "Poop-a-loop?" Or I'd start changing a diaper, and I'd be like "Ah, you have poop-a-loop!" I don't know, we were weird. But I loved our weirdness... Missing you...
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Meijer
Hey boo,
How's it going? It's Sunday night, and you know how I feel about that... bleh...
I took the kids to Meijer this morning. I needed to order Will's birthday cake for next weekend. I still can't believe he is going to be 1. I am freaking out about it!
Anyways, we wandered around there for a while, and picked up a few things. I can't really get a lot when I have all 3 of them, because there is no cart space! The girls sit in the big part of the cart, and Will sits where a child is actually supposed to sit, in the seat at the top of the cart. So yeah, I try to squish things in where ever I can. I keep my purse and the diaper bag in the part near my feet, where people usually put milk and stuff. It's just crazy, I need to figure out a better system with our Meijer visits...
So anyways, when I was checking out, the cashier was asked, "Are they triplets, or just really close in age...?"
Ha!
I smiled, and said "No. They are twins, and he is 15 months younger than them."
And she said "Wow, you must be busy!"
And in my head, I'm thinking 'You have no idea..." but on the outside, I just nod and smile.
And then she asked, "Are you going to have anymore?"
And I of course said, "Nope. I'm done." And she laughed. But in my head, I was thinking, um, not by choice lady! I actually wanted 1 more! But you kind of need a husband to have more babies! Ok, well, not necessarily... but for me, it's kind of a requirement...
Anyways, obviously this woman didn't know me or our crazy situation. She was just making small talk. But of course it totally made me feel blah, and miss you that much more! Sometimes it's nice to be "incognito" and not have people know our sad little story. And other times, it just makes the giant hole of what we are missing feel even bigger...
So yeah, that's my story. I just want my "before" life back so much. I miss being happy and looking forward to the future. I miss small talk that didn't depress me so much. I just MISS YOU!
Ok, that's it... Love.
How's it going? It's Sunday night, and you know how I feel about that... bleh...
I took the kids to Meijer this morning. I needed to order Will's birthday cake for next weekend. I still can't believe he is going to be 1. I am freaking out about it!
Anyways, we wandered around there for a while, and picked up a few things. I can't really get a lot when I have all 3 of them, because there is no cart space! The girls sit in the big part of the cart, and Will sits where a child is actually supposed to sit, in the seat at the top of the cart. So yeah, I try to squish things in where ever I can. I keep my purse and the diaper bag in the part near my feet, where people usually put milk and stuff. It's just crazy, I need to figure out a better system with our Meijer visits...
So anyways, when I was checking out, the cashier was asked, "Are they triplets, or just really close in age...?"
Ha!
I smiled, and said "No. They are twins, and he is 15 months younger than them."
And she said "Wow, you must be busy!"
And in my head, I'm thinking 'You have no idea..." but on the outside, I just nod and smile.
And then she asked, "Are you going to have anymore?"
And I of course said, "Nope. I'm done." And she laughed. But in my head, I was thinking, um, not by choice lady! I actually wanted 1 more! But you kind of need a husband to have more babies! Ok, well, not necessarily... but for me, it's kind of a requirement...
Anyways, obviously this woman didn't know me or our crazy situation. She was just making small talk. But of course it totally made me feel blah, and miss you that much more! Sometimes it's nice to be "incognito" and not have people know our sad little story. And other times, it just makes the giant hole of what we are missing feel even bigger...
So yeah, that's my story. I just want my "before" life back so much. I miss being happy and looking forward to the future. I miss small talk that didn't depress me so much. I just MISS YOU!
Ok, that's it... Love.
Monday, March 17, 2014
Smart Kids
Hey boo,
How's it going?
So, I have no idea what kids are supposed to know when and whatnot, but sometimes, they just blow me away and make me think they are super smart. But of course, there are also times that I see other people's kids, and I'm like, whoa, that kid is a genius, I need to teach our kids that!
Anyways, so you know how the girls LOVE books. Like, it's their favorite toy (although it's diminished a little since you died because I don't read to them as much, blah, I suck.) Well, they can totally "read" their favorite books. It's just by pictures, but still, they know the words! Like, "There's a Wocket in my Pocket", they tell me that there is a "bofa on the sofa" when I get to that page. And for "3 Little Pigs", Violet tells me when they are staying home, or going "wee-wee-wee". And then yesterday, I was reading them "Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You" (saddest. book. ever. For me at least...) and Violet was all telling me "if working... playing... sitting with friends" and "paint til you blue" and "dance til you dizzy!", and just all sorts of stuff from that book.
Basically, I was super impressed.
I have no idea if that's normal or behind or ahead, but either way, I think it's pretty amazing. It is absolutely incredible to watch these kids learn new things.
I just wish you were here to see it all.
I miss you.
Hearts.
How's it going?
So, I have no idea what kids are supposed to know when and whatnot, but sometimes, they just blow me away and make me think they are super smart. But of course, there are also times that I see other people's kids, and I'm like, whoa, that kid is a genius, I need to teach our kids that!
Anyways, so you know how the girls LOVE books. Like, it's their favorite toy (although it's diminished a little since you died because I don't read to them as much, blah, I suck.) Well, they can totally "read" their favorite books. It's just by pictures, but still, they know the words! Like, "There's a Wocket in my Pocket", they tell me that there is a "bofa on the sofa" when I get to that page. And for "3 Little Pigs", Violet tells me when they are staying home, or going "wee-wee-wee". And then yesterday, I was reading them "Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You" (saddest. book. ever. For me at least...) and Violet was all telling me "if working... playing... sitting with friends" and "paint til you blue" and "dance til you dizzy!", and just all sorts of stuff from that book.
Basically, I was super impressed.
I have no idea if that's normal or behind or ahead, but either way, I think it's pretty amazing. It is absolutely incredible to watch these kids learn new things.
I just wish you were here to see it all.
I miss you.
Hearts.
Goose Egg
Hey boo,
How's it going?
So, this weekend, I was throwing something away in the trash that is in the closet near the door to the garage, and I boomed my forehead against the door-frame of the closet SO HARD!
Seriously, I have no idea how I even did it. It's like I have no concept of spacial recognition or whatever it is. It was definitely one of my more airhead-ey moves... Like the one time I closed my hair in the car door when I was first meeting your parents. Or the other time I tried to "trick" off a fence, and instead, went through the fence and smashed my head on the ground and scraped up my shins.
So, yeah, it was so hard that I actually got a goose egg on my forehead! I don't even know the last time I had a goose egg. Have I ever even had a goose egg?!?! Who knows!
Anyways, it still hurts, so that is why I remembered to tell you about it. Like, when I put lotion or make up on it, it's like pushing on a bruise. I bet if you were here, you would push on it, and be like "Does that hurt?" to which I would yell "Yes!". You were awesome like that. :-)
Anyways, that's it. As always, I miss you lots!
Hearts!
How's it going?
So, this weekend, I was throwing something away in the trash that is in the closet near the door to the garage, and I boomed my forehead against the door-frame of the closet SO HARD!
Seriously, I have no idea how I even did it. It's like I have no concept of spacial recognition or whatever it is. It was definitely one of my more airhead-ey moves... Like the one time I closed my hair in the car door when I was first meeting your parents. Or the other time I tried to "trick" off a fence, and instead, went through the fence and smashed my head on the ground and scraped up my shins.
So, yeah, it was so hard that I actually got a goose egg on my forehead! I don't even know the last time I had a goose egg. Have I ever even had a goose egg?!?! Who knows!
Anyways, it still hurts, so that is why I remembered to tell you about it. Like, when I put lotion or make up on it, it's like pushing on a bruise. I bet if you were here, you would push on it, and be like "Does that hurt?" to which I would yell "Yes!". You were awesome like that. :-)
Anyways, that's it. As always, I miss you lots!
Hearts!
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Winter
Hey boo,
How's it going? I am pretty darn sick of winter right now.
I am incredibly disconnected from the rest of the world. Sometimes I'm like, whoa, the world is still turning? So I pretty much have no clue what's going on out there. And that always causes the weather to be a big surprise to me each day!
It's been "warming up" a little for the past few days. But this morning, I open the garage, and I see that it snowed overnight. Bleh...
And it was slippery out! I almost rear-ended a car just leaving our neighborhood. I seriously had to bail out and turn into the right-turn lane (I was planning on turning left) so that I didn't hit him. I hope he doesn't think I'm too much of an idiot.
There were also 2 cars in the ditch just outside of our neighborhood. I never would have been able to turn left anyways, so I guess it's kind of a good thing that I ended up going right... There was also a car in a huge snowbank just across the street from the kids daycare. So yeah, the roads sucked.
So, sometimes the "positive" that I see in our situation is that at least I'm not worrying about you driving to work in the mess that this winter has been. I don't think the Civic would do very well on all those country north/south roads where the drifts are horrible.
Remember how I would FREAK out if you didn't respond to my email of "Hey boo, how's it going? Did you make it to work OK?" If I didn't hear from you within 30-45 minutes of when you should have arrived at work, I would start calling your cell phone. If you didn't answer, then I'd call your office phone. And if you didn't answer, I would repeat that probably every 10 minutes! And then I'd eventually get an email from you saying that you had to run to a meeting first thing so you didn't get a chance to check in... Ugh... Those times were the worst!
But really, I'd MUCH rather worry about your drive, than have you not here... So I guess it's not really a positive at all...
Hey, have I told you that I miss you yet? Oh, well I do. Times a million.
Hearts.
How's it going? I am pretty darn sick of winter right now.
I am incredibly disconnected from the rest of the world. Sometimes I'm like, whoa, the world is still turning? So I pretty much have no clue what's going on out there. And that always causes the weather to be a big surprise to me each day!
It's been "warming up" a little for the past few days. But this morning, I open the garage, and I see that it snowed overnight. Bleh...
And it was slippery out! I almost rear-ended a car just leaving our neighborhood. I seriously had to bail out and turn into the right-turn lane (I was planning on turning left) so that I didn't hit him. I hope he doesn't think I'm too much of an idiot.
There were also 2 cars in the ditch just outside of our neighborhood. I never would have been able to turn left anyways, so I guess it's kind of a good thing that I ended up going right... There was also a car in a huge snowbank just across the street from the kids daycare. So yeah, the roads sucked.
So, sometimes the "positive" that I see in our situation is that at least I'm not worrying about you driving to work in the mess that this winter has been. I don't think the Civic would do very well on all those country north/south roads where the drifts are horrible.
Remember how I would FREAK out if you didn't respond to my email of "Hey boo, how's it going? Did you make it to work OK?" If I didn't hear from you within 30-45 minutes of when you should have arrived at work, I would start calling your cell phone. If you didn't answer, then I'd call your office phone. And if you didn't answer, I would repeat that probably every 10 minutes! And then I'd eventually get an email from you saying that you had to run to a meeting first thing so you didn't get a chance to check in... Ugh... Those times were the worst!
But really, I'd MUCH rather worry about your drive, than have you not here... So I guess it's not really a positive at all...
Hey, have I told you that I miss you yet? Oh, well I do. Times a million.
Hearts.
Monday, March 10, 2014
How am I supposed to do this?!??!
Hey boo,
How's it going? I'm absolutely horrible.
How the frick am I supposed to do this on my own?!?!??
Our kids are going to be so fucked up. I just don't know what I'm doing. And I'm messing them up because I'm struggling/drowning/a hot mess of crazy.
I need you here so much. Being a mommy and daddy at the same time sucks. Our parenting styles were so complimentary to each other... And now it's just me. I try/have to fill the gaps of what you would do, but it is so challenging, because the things that you would do are just not my style.
Ever since I read that damn article, I have been over-analyzing every parenting thing I do. Seriously, EVERYTHING. Even as I am saying something or doing something with the kids, I am thinking to myself, "Is that what I'm supposed to be doing? Is that the right way to do it? If I had phrased that differently, would she have listened? If I had done something else, would the tantrum be over by now?"
I know I said that I wasn't going to think about it, but I can't help it. I can't erase the words from my mind. It has fricken screwed me up. A part of me feels like maybe everything is going to shit because I lost any confidence that I may have had. I used to think that I was doing kinda OK-ish in relation to everything that has happened to us. But now I am just lost. I feel like our kids behavior is a direct reflection of my parenting, and their behavior is just showing what a sucky ass job I'm doing.
Today was particularly bad. As soon as I picked up the girls from their room at daycare, Violet was off and running down the hall. Then of course Charlotte is following her. The teacher is trying to talk to me about their day and stuff, as I'm trying to yell to them to stop and come back by me. Another teacher happened to be walking down the hall towards us and was able to stop Violet and get her to come back. It's just fricken embarrassing. Why won't she listen to me?!?! Clearly because I suck at teaching her to listen!
Then as we are finally ready to leave their classroom, Violet is off running again. I am yelling for her to stop and walk, but she just keeps going, laughing her head off and being goofy. She runs all the way to lobby and runs to the office door (which she has never even gone near before!) and is all trying to open it. I had to leave poor brother in his stroller to go running after her and get her to stop. I have no idea what got into her today!
And then, we go outside to get into the car, and she is all crazy and trying to play in the bushes by the sidewalk. Again, I told her to stop, and stand by brother's stroller, and she didn't even look at me. I grabbed her and Charlotte and brought them back on the sidewalk and tried to talk to them, and calm them down, because they were seriously riled up, but Violet just kept fighting me to get away. I finally just had to pick them both up and load them in the van (I usually load Will first).
I bring them in through the trunk of the van because they are still in the rear-facing seat arrangement. As I'm trying to buckle in Violet, she is still fighting me. I finally have to tell her that if she is a good-listener and sits on her butt, then she can have a sticker. But she didn't care and just kept fighting. As I was wrestling her into the seat, Charlotte gets up to the front of the van, and dumps out a 3/4 full can of Diet Coke all over everything that was in the passenger seat, including my purse and coat.
All I could say was "Charlotte!!! Oh my word!!!" I was just so shocked. She knew she had done something bad though, and came right back to me and I was able to put her in her carseat easily. I couldn't even figure out what to say, I was just so overwhelmed by everything that had been going on.
Anyways, I am finally able to load Will in, and then I have to load the stroller and all their bags, and we are able to hit the road. Seriously, the 15-20 minutes of pick-up is EXHAUSTING! It's not usually this bad, but it is still such a struggle. And it's the worst, because I know you won't be at home for me to confide in and talk about the entire stressful ordeal... You won't be hear to laugh about, or give advice, or just give me a hug. I just have to go home, and somehow manage to feed these 3 crazy kids dinner on my own. Even when my mom or our mommy's helper is there to help with dinner, it is still such a challenge because I'm the one running around trying to get food on the table, and get the kids fed. My helpers only deal with feeding Will, and he is the easy one!
I just don't know how I'm going to do this. Our kids are going to be the biggest brats because I don't know what I'm doing. Sure, I can read books to them and play with them and do crafts, but I have no idea how to discipline them. That was always your area of expertise. You just had a way of doing it, and the girls would always listen to you. You were the one to set up their bedtime routine. You were the one to teach them to sit down in the spa and on the towel on the ground, so they don't slip and crack their head open. You were the one to teach them how to go down the stairs...
I just CAN'T DO EVERYTHING!
Seriously, I am up at night always worrying about our kids' futures. I stress out that the girls are going to have "daddy issues" and end up running away with a 40 year old man when they are only 16. I stress out that Will is going to end up in juvie because he didn't have a positive male role model in his life. I know it's so stereotypical, but seriously, aren't those really reasons why those things happen to some kids?!?!
And they are going to hate me because I'm always Mean Momma, or Stressed Out Momma, or Crying Momma because I just don't know how to parent these kids. I am never able to just be Enjoy The Moment Momma, which is the Momma I had always dreamed of being.
Not only will our kids never know YOU, but our kids will never really KNOW their REAL Momma. Yeah yeah, I'm their real mom, but you know what I'm trying to say... They will never know ME. The ME that I used to be. They are stuck with this broken Momma, who is screwing up their most impressionable time in their lives. The time where we are supposed to be laying this wonderful foundation for our kids to grow on. Now I'm just trying to throw some rocks in a pile and hope that they can stand on it.
Yeah, being responsible for 3 little lives sucks. Remember once upon a time when I loved it? Yeah, I'm not really sure that ever happened either, I think it was just a dream...
Anyways, that is my crazy person rant. I'm sorry for screwing up our kids so much. Please don't be mad at me.
Hearts.
How's it going? I'm absolutely horrible.
How the frick am I supposed to do this on my own?!?!??
Our kids are going to be so fucked up. I just don't know what I'm doing. And I'm messing them up because I'm struggling/drowning/a hot mess of crazy.
I need you here so much. Being a mommy and daddy at the same time sucks. Our parenting styles were so complimentary to each other... And now it's just me. I try/have to fill the gaps of what you would do, but it is so challenging, because the things that you would do are just not my style.
Ever since I read that damn article, I have been over-analyzing every parenting thing I do. Seriously, EVERYTHING. Even as I am saying something or doing something with the kids, I am thinking to myself, "Is that what I'm supposed to be doing? Is that the right way to do it? If I had phrased that differently, would she have listened? If I had done something else, would the tantrum be over by now?"
I know I said that I wasn't going to think about it, but I can't help it. I can't erase the words from my mind. It has fricken screwed me up. A part of me feels like maybe everything is going to shit because I lost any confidence that I may have had. I used to think that I was doing kinda OK-ish in relation to everything that has happened to us. But now I am just lost. I feel like our kids behavior is a direct reflection of my parenting, and their behavior is just showing what a sucky ass job I'm doing.
Today was particularly bad. As soon as I picked up the girls from their room at daycare, Violet was off and running down the hall. Then of course Charlotte is following her. The teacher is trying to talk to me about their day and stuff, as I'm trying to yell to them to stop and come back by me. Another teacher happened to be walking down the hall towards us and was able to stop Violet and get her to come back. It's just fricken embarrassing. Why won't she listen to me?!?! Clearly because I suck at teaching her to listen!
Then as we are finally ready to leave their classroom, Violet is off running again. I am yelling for her to stop and walk, but she just keeps going, laughing her head off and being goofy. She runs all the way to lobby and runs to the office door (which she has never even gone near before!) and is all trying to open it. I had to leave poor brother in his stroller to go running after her and get her to stop. I have no idea what got into her today!
And then, we go outside to get into the car, and she is all crazy and trying to play in the bushes by the sidewalk. Again, I told her to stop, and stand by brother's stroller, and she didn't even look at me. I grabbed her and Charlotte and brought them back on the sidewalk and tried to talk to them, and calm them down, because they were seriously riled up, but Violet just kept fighting me to get away. I finally just had to pick them both up and load them in the van (I usually load Will first).
I bring them in through the trunk of the van because they are still in the rear-facing seat arrangement. As I'm trying to buckle in Violet, she is still fighting me. I finally have to tell her that if she is a good-listener and sits on her butt, then she can have a sticker. But she didn't care and just kept fighting. As I was wrestling her into the seat, Charlotte gets up to the front of the van, and dumps out a 3/4 full can of Diet Coke all over everything that was in the passenger seat, including my purse and coat.
All I could say was "Charlotte!!! Oh my word!!!" I was just so shocked. She knew she had done something bad though, and came right back to me and I was able to put her in her carseat easily. I couldn't even figure out what to say, I was just so overwhelmed by everything that had been going on.
Anyways, I am finally able to load Will in, and then I have to load the stroller and all their bags, and we are able to hit the road. Seriously, the 15-20 minutes of pick-up is EXHAUSTING! It's not usually this bad, but it is still such a struggle. And it's the worst, because I know you won't be at home for me to confide in and talk about the entire stressful ordeal... You won't be hear to laugh about, or give advice, or just give me a hug. I just have to go home, and somehow manage to feed these 3 crazy kids dinner on my own. Even when my mom or our mommy's helper is there to help with dinner, it is still such a challenge because I'm the one running around trying to get food on the table, and get the kids fed. My helpers only deal with feeding Will, and he is the easy one!
I just don't know how I'm going to do this. Our kids are going to be the biggest brats because I don't know what I'm doing. Sure, I can read books to them and play with them and do crafts, but I have no idea how to discipline them. That was always your area of expertise. You just had a way of doing it, and the girls would always listen to you. You were the one to set up their bedtime routine. You were the one to teach them to sit down in the spa and on the towel on the ground, so they don't slip and crack their head open. You were the one to teach them how to go down the stairs...
I just CAN'T DO EVERYTHING!
Seriously, I am up at night always worrying about our kids' futures. I stress out that the girls are going to have "daddy issues" and end up running away with a 40 year old man when they are only 16. I stress out that Will is going to end up in juvie because he didn't have a positive male role model in his life. I know it's so stereotypical, but seriously, aren't those really reasons why those things happen to some kids?!?!
And they are going to hate me because I'm always Mean Momma, or Stressed Out Momma, or Crying Momma because I just don't know how to parent these kids. I am never able to just be Enjoy The Moment Momma, which is the Momma I had always dreamed of being.
Not only will our kids never know YOU, but our kids will never really KNOW their REAL Momma. Yeah yeah, I'm their real mom, but you know what I'm trying to say... They will never know ME. The ME that I used to be. They are stuck with this broken Momma, who is screwing up their most impressionable time in their lives. The time where we are supposed to be laying this wonderful foundation for our kids to grow on. Now I'm just trying to throw some rocks in a pile and hope that they can stand on it.
Yeah, being responsible for 3 little lives sucks. Remember once upon a time when I loved it? Yeah, I'm not really sure that ever happened either, I think it was just a dream...
Anyways, that is my crazy person rant. I'm sorry for screwing up our kids so much. Please don't be mad at me.
Hearts.
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