Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Bah Hum Bug

Hi boo,

How's it going? I haven't written in a while. I'm just keeping busy with a lot of different stuff.

Basically, I've been distracting myself to get through the holiday season. This year is so much different than last year. But I can't explain it. I think this year hurts worse, but to be honest, I don't really remember exactly how last year felt. So they could have felt equally as bad... Who knows...

I hate the holidays now, that I do know for sure. I have to TRY so hard to even pretend to make it a nice time for the kids. I'm just thankful that they are still young enough to not know all the magic of Christmas. But I also hate it, because I can't show them all the magic.

For them, Christmas could be any day. I told them it was tomorrow, but that doesn't mean much to them. Really, we could open presents the next day, or the next. It wouldn't make a difference.

I'm actually not even going to wrap presents. I'm too lazy and too blah. I have some gift bags, so I might throw stuff into those, but who knows. Bleh...

I can't even pretend to have Christmas cheer on Facebook today. I was going to post a picture of the kids opening a present from your mom, but I just sat there looking at it, and couldn't even come up with the right "cheerful" thing to say.

What I really want to do is post a picture of a huge middle finger and say "Fuck you and your merry fucking Christmases." I don't think anyone would appreciate that though...

Basically, tonight and tomorrow will be days that I do NOT go on Facebook.

I'm just a hot mess of crazy. I couldn't even make it through bedtime tonight before I lost my mind. I bawled the whole time through Will's bedtime routine of reading and singing. Then I went downstairs and cried while Violet and Charlotte watched a movie. Charlotte says, "What, Mommy?" And I say, "Mommy's sad." And they ask why I'm sad, and I say "Mommy is missing your Daddy." And they ask me why I miss you, and I say, "Cuz Mommy loves him." And Charlotte says, "I love Daddy all day." And Violet chimes in, "I love Daddy all day, too!" I have no idea what the "all day is about, that is a new thing that are saying. But I just say, "I love Daddy all day, too, guys..." And then I keep on crying.

Then we go upstairs to do the rest of our bedtime, and I just don't even have the energy to argue with them. So, when they are not listening when I tell them to go potty and they just start playing with their toys, I let them. And I just walk away and go lay in bed and cry some more. So they got an extra 15-20 minutes of playtime. I didn't even read with them or anything tonight. I just put them in their cribs and said "I love you" and closed the door.

And here I sit. My head hurts from crying. I should pick up the living room and put their presents out, but I don't feel like it. Some people drown their sorrows with drinking, but I'm drowning them with food. I'm pigging out on a donut and cookies and milk... It's Christmas Eve after all, so that is my treat to "Santa."

I keep trying to tell myself that this is just like any other day, that it shouldn't be this hard to get through. But it is like a fresh new hell again. And I hate it. I hate that the happiness and magic and excitement of the holidays is gone. Just when it was getting exciting again because of having kids, it all went to shit because you died. It's not fucking fair, and I hate it. I hate this bullshit so much.

Anyway, I guess that's it. I miss you.