Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Bah Hum Bug

Hi boo,

How's it going? I haven't written in a while. I'm just keeping busy with a lot of different stuff.

Basically, I've been distracting myself to get through the holiday season. This year is so much different than last year. But I can't explain it. I think this year hurts worse, but to be honest, I don't really remember exactly how last year felt. So they could have felt equally as bad... Who knows...

I hate the holidays now, that I do know for sure. I have to TRY so hard to even pretend to make it a nice time for the kids. I'm just thankful that they are still young enough to not know all the magic of Christmas. But I also hate it, because I can't show them all the magic.

For them, Christmas could be any day. I told them it was tomorrow, but that doesn't mean much to them. Really, we could open presents the next day, or the next. It wouldn't make a difference.

I'm actually not even going to wrap presents. I'm too lazy and too blah. I have some gift bags, so I might throw stuff into those, but who knows. Bleh...

I can't even pretend to have Christmas cheer on Facebook today. I was going to post a picture of the kids opening a present from your mom, but I just sat there looking at it, and couldn't even come up with the right "cheerful" thing to say.

What I really want to do is post a picture of a huge middle finger and say "Fuck you and your merry fucking Christmases." I don't think anyone would appreciate that though...

Basically, tonight and tomorrow will be days that I do NOT go on Facebook.

I'm just a hot mess of crazy. I couldn't even make it through bedtime tonight before I lost my mind. I bawled the whole time through Will's bedtime routine of reading and singing. Then I went downstairs and cried while Violet and Charlotte watched a movie. Charlotte says, "What, Mommy?" And I say, "Mommy's sad." And they ask why I'm sad, and I say "Mommy is missing your Daddy." And they ask me why I miss you, and I say, "Cuz Mommy loves him." And Charlotte says, "I love Daddy all day." And Violet chimes in, "I love Daddy all day, too!" I have no idea what the "all day is about, that is a new thing that are saying. But I just say, "I love Daddy all day, too, guys..." And then I keep on crying.

Then we go upstairs to do the rest of our bedtime, and I just don't even have the energy to argue with them. So, when they are not listening when I tell them to go potty and they just start playing with their toys, I let them. And I just walk away and go lay in bed and cry some more. So they got an extra 15-20 minutes of playtime. I didn't even read with them or anything tonight. I just put them in their cribs and said "I love you" and closed the door.

And here I sit. My head hurts from crying. I should pick up the living room and put their presents out, but I don't feel like it. Some people drown their sorrows with drinking, but I'm drowning them with food. I'm pigging out on a donut and cookies and milk... It's Christmas Eve after all, so that is my treat to "Santa."

I keep trying to tell myself that this is just like any other day, that it shouldn't be this hard to get through. But it is like a fresh new hell again. And I hate it. I hate that the happiness and magic and excitement of the holidays is gone. Just when it was getting exciting again because of having kids, it all went to shit because you died. It's not fucking fair, and I hate it. I hate this bullshit so much.

Anyway, I guess that's it. I miss you.


Monday, November 10, 2014

Basket Case

Hey boo,

How's it going?

I can feel myself starting to basket case about stuff. Yeah, I just used basket case as a verb, so what? :-)

a) The holidays are coming up. Which blows.

b) I'm pretty much jealous of everyone's "happy" life. Even if their happy life is really just fighting with thier husband, at least they have a husband to fight with.

c) Will is the same age as the girls were when you died. And just watching him makes me think of the girls at that age, and just how different life was. I also just look at him and remember how you don't even know him, and he doesn't know you. And it makes me so fricken angry and sad. Blah.

I went to Family Fare during lunch today, and I can't even remember what I saw in the store, but I know it made me all emotional, with that "about to cry" feeling that I had to push down. I think it might have been something about Christmas, or who knows what.

Basically, I'm at a crazy level of tired, so I can hardly think straight. I can never call the kids by the right name anymore, and sometimes I can hardly even get a sentence out to tell them what to do or answer a question.

I know I need to start taking care of myself and getting more sleep. But it's just hard to do. (Violet would say "It's hard to do though." It's something she says a lot.)

Anyway, bleh. I'm missing you. A lot a bit.

Ok, hearts.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014


Hey boo,

How's it going?

So, I was just in a stand-up meeting where the team debated if we should cross something out with an "X" or just white it out. For fifteen minutes.


An "X" or white-out. #EngineeringProblems

Just thought I'd share.

Miss you 100% of the time.


Saturday, November 1, 2014

Highs and Low

Hey boo,

How's it going? I'm in a rut again.

That's how it is lately. I go through highs and lows.

During my highs, I'm just chugging along, going day to day, trying my best to make life good again.

During my lows, I'm a big, blah, ballface. I'm tired and I have no motivation. And it's so hard to pull myself out again.

Sometimes it helps to just have a good cry session, and that will pull me out of the rut. But sometimes that just exhausts me even more.

I'm blah right now because of Halloween. I see everyone's happy family pictures on FB, and I'm jealous. Our "happy family" picture is missing a part of our family. And I hate it. It's not fair.

I think about what we should be doing. Taking the kids trick-or-treating. Seeing how cute they look in their costumes. Carving pumpkins. And all that stuff. I hate it that you are missing all of this. And I hate that I'm doing it alone, or with my mom. Have I mentioned it's not fair.

And I feel like it's past the time that is "acceptable" to hurt so bad. Ever since I hit the 1-year mark, I've been trying so hard to get back to "normal." To pull my head out of my ass and start living again. But that doesn't mean it's not still hard, or that it doesn't still hurt so bad. It doesn't mean that I'm "OK" with what happened to us. And it doesn't mean I don't still miss you like crazy.

The last thing I used to say or think before I went to bed was that I was ready to wake up from this nightmare. Now the last thing I say is "Chaz, come home." I don't even know what I mean by that, or what I'd expect. I just want to go back to that last week, and have a re-do, to make it all better. I never, EVER thought that when you left that night, that you wouldn't be coming back.

This just sucks. And I hate that their is no relief from it. I keep going, and there are times when I think that I'm doing OK, that we are going to get through this. And then there are times where it's like, nope, not going to make it through the next 5 minutes.

Ugh... Anyway, the kids are going to wake up from nap soon, and I still need to eat lunch.

I miss you.


Monday, October 27, 2014

In My Dreams

Hey Boo,

How's it going? I'm just the usual...

So, I had a "dream" about you last night. I put it in quotes because it just seemed so real, but now it's starting to fade, so I can never distinguish if it was a dream or not. This was my second time something like this happened. Although I have had one other actual dream before.

What I've realized is that even in my dreams, I know you are dead. I think this whole thing has affected me so deeply that my brain can't even imagine a life where none of this ever happened. It just can't create a fairy tale.

So anyway, what I remember about last nights dream is just bits and pieces.

First, I remember a hand. That's all I can "see," but really, I can't even see it, it was more of just a sense. It was like I was touching a hand, when suddenly I realized that it felt just like your hand. I felt the fingers and put my palm against the hand's palm and it was just like your hand. And then it was like I was squeezing your hand, trying so hard to figure out if it was really yours. And then you did your typical "double squeeze" thing to my hand to say "love you," so I did my typical response of a "single squeeze" back to mean "love." And I knew it was you. And it was awesome.

Next, I remember hearing your voice. And I was thinking, oh my word, it's Chaz's voice. It sounds just like Chaz. And it's like I knew you were next to me in bed. I can't remember what you said though. And again, I can't remember seeing you, it was more of just a feeling. Like I could feel the weight of you next to me.

The last part I remember is you standing by the bedroom window. I feel like you were telling me to look at something. I couldn't see exactly you, it was more like a silhouette. The blinds to our window were open, and I could see the sky from where I was laying, and it was nighttime still, but the sky was a really pretty color, like a dark blue but with light shining. It's hard to explain because it was almost like something that is only in a cartoon or picture. It is definitely not like any sky I've ever seen in real life.

Anyway, you were telling me to look at something, but I didn't want to. I was scared. I was hiding my head under the covers, not wanting to look, and I didn't want you to go, I wanted you to come back.

And that's all I remember.

So yeah, that's it. It was so awesome and so horrible at the same time. I loved hearing your voice and feeling your hand. And while it makes me feel good, I am also just so sad and missing you so much more today.

And I'm stuck wondering if that was just a dream, or was it something more? I'd like to think it was something more, and that you were coming to visit me, but my personality just struggles with it still.

Well, that's it for now. I'll write about my other "dreams" another time.

I miss you.


Monday, October 20, 2014

Goofy Kids

Hey boo,

How's it going?

We have the goofiest kids ever! While they can frustrate me to no end, there are other times where they just crack me up, or melt my heart from cuteness!

With the girls being talking machines, they say the funniest things. And then there are some things that they are saying wrong, but I won't correct them because I just love it so much.

For example, Violet says "ice cone." That means "ice cream cone." Both girls also refer to a pine cone as an "ice cone" too!

Charlotte sings "Twinkle little star, how I wonder, how are you?" And I'm pretty sure my mom thinks that is how the song goes because my mom sings it that way back to her... Oh well, she can sing it like that, it won't hurt for now!

They also sing Baa baa black sheep... And they say "One for the master, one for the day!" Instead of dame...

Violet might be inheriting some of my moms dyslexia (remember over hang?). She will occasionally say something backwards, the most recent example being "feed bird" for a "bird feeder."

Yesterday before spa, Violet was running around nakee, and Charlotte was behind her and Violet tooted so big! She basically farted right on her sister, with no clothing to filter it! I had to hide my face so she wouldn't know I was laughing about it.

Some sad stuff is that I still have your belt hanging off the coat hook in the kitchen. And Violet was grabbing it and pulling it. And I told her not to play with it because it was Daddy's and I didn't want it to break. And she said "Oh, he forgot it?" And I was just like, "um... not really... I don't know how to explain it..." And then I decided to say "He couldn't bring it with him, so it had to stay here." And she said, "Oh."

Speaking of "Oh." Will says that all the time! I'll say something to him like, "the bus is  yellow." And he just says "Oh." Ha! Apparently I'm not very interesting!

His vocabulary is really so much better than the girls at this age. Remember we were so excited about Violet says "doctor" as one of her first 2-syllable "big" words. Will is already starting to string 2 words together... Like "right there" (righ dare) or "in there" (in dare) or "no way." He also says "monkey," "pumpkin" (pung-kn), "sisser" (sister), "Charlotte" (I can't even phonetically spell how he says it, but it's cute), "Violet" (Vi-lt)... Oh, he also says "No!" a lot, which is of course super awesome... :-P But a cute way he says "no" is when he's playing a puzzle. He puts a piece in a spot, and if it doesn't fit, he says "nooooo," and then he tries another spot and says "noooo..." He's obviously repeating what the adult usually says when it goes in the wrong spot, it's so cute!

There is so much more I have to tell you, but I keep forgetting...

I wish you were here so much to see this. You would love it!

I miss you.


Monday, October 6, 2014

I Figured it Out

Hey Boo,

How's it going?

Well, I finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up! I'm kind of excited about it. I'm excited to do something I actually enjoy.

But now I need to implement it... That is the scary part...


Thursday, October 2, 2014


Hey boo,

How's it going? I'm blah.

I have no motivation. I'm tired. I'm "cement."

It's been a horribly unproductive night. And I have a to-do list that is so long I can't even see the end of it.

So... we have to get our backyard regraded.  I know, you're thinking "Well, no shit!"

Yes, I know we've always known that, but we were too cheap to ever take care of it after our landscaping was completed.

Well, now we have neighbors. And I guess we're the cause of their "wash out problem" according to their landscaping company.

So now I'm waiting on an estimate to get our backyard regraded. Awesome.

It's a good and bad thing. We've always known about the problem, and we always wanted to take care of it, but we never did because we weren't motivated, and we were cheap, and there just wasn't a need for it. So I'm actually glad to get it done. The kids will actually be able to play on the swingset because our backyard will (hopefully) be dry.

But it's also like, oh shit, unplanned expense. And I'm slightly annoyed that I have to get it fixed because it's hurting my neighbors yard. Technically, we could live with a wet backyard... But I'll be nice and get it taken care of...

So yeah, whatevs...

And the kids are making me bonkers. Well, mostly just the girls. Will is so low-maintenance. The girls just do NOT listen anymore. It's like there was a wall built between me and them so they can't hear me or something.

I start out nice, like "Hey Char, come over here so I can put your hair in a ponytail please." She looks at me like whatever, and continues to do whatever she is doing, typically reading a book or playing blocks or something.

So then I'm like "Charlotte, I need to put your hair in ponytail. Come. Here. Please." In a little bit angrier tone. I hear "No!" or "I don't want a ponytail!"

Me, still trying to maintain my cool: "I'm sorry, but I have to put a ponytail in your hair before school so your hair isn't all crazy in your face."

Charlotte: ignores me.

Me: "Charlotte. Come here." More pissed.

No response.

"Charlotte! Can you here me?!?! I said COME HERE. NOW!"

No response.

Yes, I know I've made it worse by starting to yell. But we are ALWAYS late in the morning. I'm so tired all the time, it's so hard for me to get out of bed when the alarm goes off. Which means we all wake up late.

So I'm always rushing, and never thinking. I even try to tell them that we are very late and we need to hurry. But they like to move at their own pace.

Yes, they are toddlers. They are 2 (almost 3, eeek!). But still, it is so frustrating when you want something done, and they don't do it.

That is the #1 reason I yell. When they don't listen. I can't fricken stand it.

So anyways, we had that tonight at bedtime.

"Charlotte, lay down and I'll snuggle you in."
"No, I wanna sit!"
"Ok, well if you don't lay down, then I'm going downstairs."
"No, lay on the floor with us!" (I typically lay on the floor and read a book for 10-15 minutes, sometimes way longer, when they are going to sleep).
"Ok, well, then you need to be laying down and close your eyes."
"No, I wanna sit!"
"Charlotte, you can lay down and close your eyes and I'll stay in here with you, but if you stay sitting then I'm going downstairs." (word on the street is that giving them options is supposed to help. It never does for us, I must suck at giving them choices or something).
"Ok, then I'm going downstairs. I love you, nigh-nigh." And I walk out and close the door.
I try to be tough, and let her scream. But it's hard for me. It's like, I don't want to go to bed 'mad at each other.' So after 5 minutes, I usually go in. But by then, she's at the point of no return, and she is a crying screaming mess. So there is just a bunch of back and forth, power struggle, for the next 30 minutes while I try to get her to go to bed.

Meanwhile, Violet is in her crib saying "Momma, I not crying." Me: "I know, Violet. Thank you for not crying."
Violet: "That make you happy though?"
"Yes, Violet. It makes me happy that you are not crying."
"Charlotte's crying."
"I know sweetie, I hear her."
"Why Charlotte crying?"
"I don't know sweetie. I guess she's feeling sad."
"I not sad Momma."
"Good, I'm glad."

Anyway, I just wish you were here to see all this madness. I wonder how you would be reacting to all this. I wonder how things would be different if you had been here the past year.

I look at Will, and I wonder what you would think of him. I have hardly any memories of you and Will together, because Will was always with me for his first 4 months. So it's a lot harder for me to imagine what you'd be thinking. I know you'd love him so much though. He is so stinkin' cute, it hurts. He's my little man and my baby, all in one. I'd like to think that you'd love to rough-house with him, and wrestle and be tough. You know, stereotypical boy stuff. But he's kind of a pansy I think. I know, I'm sorry. I know you wouldn't want it that way.

A part of me is OK with him being gentle and sensitive. I'm OK with the fact that his lovie is a pink girl bunny. I'm OK with the fact that when I pick him up from school, he's playing with baby dolls. I'm OK with the fact that he pushes strollers around and that most of the toys he plays with are pink.

But still... There is that part of me that wants a little bit of toughness, a little bit of manliness for him. I don't want him to be so one-sided, I guess... I want a good balance between sensitive and tough. I want him to be well-rounded.

Anyways, this was all sorts of random. And I accomplished nothing. I could have at least tried to go to bed early or something...

Oh well... I miss you.


Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Change is a brewin'

Hey boo,

How's it going? In general, it's the same ol', same ol' over here, but change is also beginning too.

I think things will definitely be changing over the next year for me. Or, at least I hope they will be.

I've been working on figuring what I want to be when I grow up, and I am slowly moving in that direction. I know it won't fix things for me, but I think it is actually something that might help make life more bearable.

I'm not sitting around waiting for opportunities to fall in my lap, but if you are somewhere that you can pull some strings, try to help me move in the right direction as I search.

I always have a hard time when people say "things happen for a reason." I have trouble subscribing to that idea because why are such horrible monsters of people allowed to exist while a loving father gets taken away? But then sometimes I wonder if I am supposed to be doing something great. I won't be changing the world, but I might make a difference for a few people that could help the generations following them.

Kind of like a ripple, I guess. If I help 2 people, and then they each help 2 more, and then those people each help another 2, before you know it, that could be a major impact.

But then I step back and think, well, I could have done that with you here! Was this the slap in the face I needed to push me towards that? Because it was way more than a slap, it was more like getting hit by a train...

Anyways, I miss you so much. I never stop getting the urge to really email you. Or have that split second thought that when I get an email notification, it might be something from you. Will that ever go away?

The kids miss you too. Will is talking so much, and I realized I never taught him how to say Daddy, so I've been working with him more on that. He says "Dah-dee!" And when I show him a picture and say "Where's Daddy?" He points to you and says "Dare!" (which means "there.")

Violet loves to ask questions. We have a family picture hanging on the wall, and when I'm standing by it, she says "2 mommies!" (which might be strange if she starts saying that in public.) But it's because there is a mommy in the picture and a mommy standing in real life.

And then she says "Daddy!" And I say "Yup, there's Daddy in the picture." And she asks "Where is Daddy though?" (though is one of her favorite words, she says it a lot at the end of sentences.) And I say "Remember, Daddy died." And she says "Why?" And I say, "Because he got very, very, very, very, very, very, very sick." (the "books" say to use a bazillion "verys" so that kids know the difference between regular sick, and won't think they are going to die when they have a cold or something.) And she says "Why?" And I say "Because he got a big, big, big, big, big, big owie and his body wouldn't work anymore." (again, something the books say to say.) And she says "Why?" And I finally just have to say "I don't know baby..."

I wish I knew "Why?"

Anyways, that's it for now. I miss you.


Monday, September 15, 2014

Potty Training Stories

Hey boo,

How's it going?

I wish you here for this potty training thing. I wonder how you would handle all of it. Sometimes I handle it OK, and other times these girls drive me absolutely bonkers! And then there are still other times that they just make me crack up.

The other day, Violet was going potty on the big potty, and Charlotte was on the little potty. They were actually both going #2.

So Violet is pushing away and of course, she poops. And she looks down and says, "Whoa! That's a lot of them!!!" And then she looks at me and says, "Look Mom! I got a lot of poop!"

Sigh... No, I didn't go look. I just said, "Wow, that's awesome..." from where I was standing in the doorway.

But Charlotte stands up from her potty and says "Let me see!"

And Violet says "Look Char!" and points into the toilet.

Charlotte does her funny oh-face (ugh, I know, horrible term but that is the only way to describe it!), and she looks at me and says "It's like fishies!"

That made me laugh so big! Those girls are nuts.

As if my world didn't revolve around poop enough... I feel like potty training has made it even MORE the central focus of my life!

Ugh... poop...

OK, that's it. Hearts.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Just Sad

Hey boo,

How's it going? I'm feeling exceptionally sad today...

I think about all those families affected by today, and my heart hurts even more for them. It's strange, because I've had my own heartbreak, but I still can't imagine what their pain is like. I know what they feel, but I don't know what they feel. If that makes sense?

Basically, everyone's story is different. And just the entire tragedy and horror around what happened to those families makes me completely unable to relate to them.


I'm also extra sad because the kids are growing up so fast. I wish so much that you could see them. You would be so proud. Even though they make me crazy, they are so awesome at the same time.

And they are so funny. Sometimes it's hard not to laugh at them when I'm frustrated/angry with them. I guess they have your talent for making me smile when I don't want to.

I'm potty training the girls, and it's just chaos. The girls have to go pee at least 905,489 times before bed. It now takes an extra hour for them to go to sleep because of it. Tonight it was 9:40 before they went potty for the last time.

Last weekend, during one of Violet's millionth trips to go potty, there was no pee coming out. I was more than frustrated and exhausted. She was just playing in there, touching everything, which totally grosses me out.

So I'm say "Violet, don't touch anything! Just go pee! If I don't see any pee coming out, I'm going to be very mad!"

So she leans over and touches the counter.

And I say, "Violet!!! I said DO NOT touch anything!"

And she just looks up at me, and whispers softly, "I touch my leg." And then touches her leg with one finger.

GAH! That girl. It was so bratty but so funny at the same time. I don't even remember how I responded to that, I was just like, oh my word... Seriously, that girl is something else...

I have about 1000 more potty training stories. But I'm too tired to share right now.

But you should just see these kids. The girls are suddenly so tall, and just looking so grown up. Charlotte's hair is so long, I love it. Sometimes just the way they stand, or walk... Ugh, I don't know how to explain it, but I can just see how they are growing.

And that makes me sad, because I always want to freeze them at their current age, so they don't grow any older. I want them to my babies forever.

The girls already says "I'm not a baby!" whenever I say something like "Come here baby."

And Will... Oh, Will... He is turning in to a boy! He is so chill and relaxed, but when he gets angry, watch out! He can be rough.

He can say so many words now. He really communicates well, I know exactly what he wants or needs. And he KNOWS he's the baby. He can just give me this sad little look, and I come running to give him hugs. He's going to be spoiled.

All the kids are going to be spoiled.

I'm a big fan of "not crying," so I feel like I appease whatever they want... Because most of it doesn't matter.

So you want to wear those yellow and white polka dot pants with a pink shirt that has a brown monkey on it. Go for it. It's just clothes.

So you want me to move your chair to that side of the table during dinner. Fine. As long as you're eating, I don't care where you sit.

The main things I really lay the law down is hitting, biting, pushing, or other general meanness that happens. I also am working on stealing toys. I'm big into teaching them to ask the other person nicely, and if the other person says "No!" Then you have to accept that because they were playing with it first, and you ask them if they will give it to you when their turn is done. You have to be patient and wait for it.

Yeah... we're working on that... I'd say we're 20% there... :-)

I don't know. I'm just rambling. I'm looking at "your spot" where you should be sitting, and I am missing you so much.

Have I mentioned how much this sucks?

Ok, lovebuckets...

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

It's Just Office Furniture

Hey boo,

How's it going?

You know what I'm thinking?

It's. Just. Office. Furniture.

We aren't curing cancer. We aren't creating world peace.


Calm down people. Take a few deep breaths. The design of this office furniture is NOT going to end the world.

So ya know what?

Keep Calm
It's Just
Office Furniture

Yeah, I'm annoyed.

Ok, that's it. I can't even describe how much I want to talk to you and bitch about stuff. You would understand.

I miss you.

Ok, hearts.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Fine Motor vs Gross Motory

Hey boo,

How's it going?

So, I just need to tell you about this observation I have with the girls. And I'm pretty sure I've noticed it before, but it's becoming  more apparent as they learn new skills.

I've noticed that Charlotte is definitely better at the fine motor skills, while Violet is better at gross motor.

Charlotte was the first to be able to take her pants off, and put them back on all by herself. Violet still struggles sometimes putting them on by herself. I think it's because she's always in such a hurry and doesn't have much patience. She ends up putting both legs in the same hole, and then gets frustrated because she can't find the other hole... But Charlotte is slow and steady, and really focuses on where she's putting her feet/legs.

Charlotte holds a crayon or marker more appropriately than Violet. Violet will still use a fist like hold, or some other weird way of holding, while Charlotte pretty much holds it like how most people hold a pencil. Charlotte is also much more into coloring than Violet. Violet gets bored really quickly with that activity. Their pictures look different too. Charlotte will draw circles and lines, and Violet likes to scribble in one spot.

Charlotte is able to open doors by turning the doorknob now. Yikes! I've had to child-proof them with the doorknob cover things. Violet gets frustrated and stops trying right away when attempting to turn a doorknob. The other day, Charlotte even figured out how to open a drawer that IS childproofed with a special hook thing that prevents it from  opening it all the way. You have to push the thing down to open it, and she knew what to do. It's the drawer with knives in it, so that is just awesome... I'm really going to have to teach her not to go in that one, or find a better lock!

Charlotte also can put her shoes on by herself every time. Most of the time she gets them on the correct feet, but if I see she is doing it wrong, I just say "Uh-oh, it goes on the other foot. Try again!" And she will laugh and say "Oh!" And take it off to put on the other foot. Violet occasionally puts on her shoes, but again, no patience. She usually asks me to do it for her. The both can obviously take their shoes off, easy cheesy.

For gross motor stuff, Violet is ahead of Charlotte. She was obviously the one to walk, run, and jump before Charlotte. She is also the one who could climb on the couches before Charlotte. She was also the one who could jump OFF the furniture first. I attributed it to her dare-devil personality, but I think it also has to do with gross motor.

Violet could walk up the stairs like a normal person (stepping vs. climbing on all fours) first. She is now able to do it without holding on to the railing, although I tell her she needs to hold on anyways, just in case. She was also the first to be able to walk down the stairs like normal, although she still holds on to the railing. Charlotte is now able to do both of these, but she still has to hold on when going up the stairs.

Violet can also balance on one leg pretty good. She is so going to be a little cheerleader!

Well, I think that's it for now. It is so interesting watching 2 kids the same age grow up and develop at the same time. I wish you were here to see it.


Tuesday, August 26, 2014

The Good and The Bad

Hey boo,

How's it going?

I'm pretty darn excited right now. One of my posts from my Me Plus 3... TODAY! blog was shared on a HUGE bloggers Facebook page, which has TONS of followers. So my post is going crazy. For my little blog, I consider it viral. No, it's not going to make national headlines, but I've had more page views in one day than I usually get in 1 month! :-) I'm so pumped!

On the down side, I'm missing you big time. A) I want to tell you about it so much. When I first discovered it, I was shaking I was so excited, and I wanted to tell someone who would be just as excited with me.

On an unrelated to blogging note, B) I'm trying to do something in Excel and I can't figure out how to do it. I need my Excel Guru. I would tell you what I want, and you would laugh because it's so easy. I know it's easy and it's totally possible, I just can't figure out how to get the right functions set up. Grrr...

Anyways, Lovebuckets!

Kid Stories

Hey boo,

How's it going?

I haven't been writing in my daily journal as much lately, so I need to write down some funny/cute kid stories, so I figured I'd email them to you!

Story #1
So, bedtime with the girls is getting to be wonky. I screwed up there routine, so it's kind of a free-for-all until I can finally get them into their cribs. I just can't get them back onto our typical routine.

Anyway, they like to look out their bedroom window while I'm changing their diapers and getting them into their jammies. It's getting dark out earlier now, so the other night we were talking about how the sun was going "night-night," so they needed to go night-night too.

So of course, Violet asks "Why?" And I tell her that when it's dark out, that means you should be sleeping.

So, we said "night-night" to the sun and they got in their cribs. (Of course, they didn't actually fall asleep until 45 minutes later...)

Well, during this past weekend, I was trying to get the girls ready and in their cribs for nap-time. And Violet says, "But the sun is awake! It's bright out!"

Touche, Violet. Touche... :-)

I just told her that a nap was different than going "night-night." It was something you do when the sun is still awake...

I'm not sure she bought it, but they did both eventually take a nap. Yay!

Story #2
The kids are getting so smart. Sometimes they just blow me away when they start doing or saying new things. I miss my babies, but I also love seeing them grow up. These kids are completely different than the kids you knew. I wish so much that you were here, you would laugh all the time at these little goofballs.

Anyways, last night I was changing Charlotte's diaper, and we were talking about school (we do that a lot, it's our main topic of conversation because I never know what to talk about with them!). She was talking about how she like Ms. Emily (because she was there when I picked the girls up). I asked her if she liked Ms. Genna too? She said yeah. And then she says, "She go bye-bye." And I said, "Ms. Genna went bye-bye."

Charlotte: "Yeah, in her car."
Me: "Oh."
Charlotte: "She go to her house."
Me: "Yup, she probably did go to her house."
Charlotte: "She take her shoes off."
(slight pause)
Charlotte: "She eat food."
Me: "Yup, she eats her dinner."
Charlotte: "She go spa."
Me: (laughs a little) "Yup, she probably will take a spa."
Charlotte: "Then she play a little bit."
(slight pause)
Charlotte: "She go night-night."
Me: Just looking at her in awe as I realize the sequence of events she just told me. It's our typical evening routine after school. I feel like it's a big deal or a milestone for them to remember and be able to list out a bunch of steps in a row like that. So I just say "Wow, Charlotte! That was a really good sequence! You are so smart!"
Charlotte: "Yeah."

:-) Goofy girl!

Story #3
In the morning on school days, I wake up and get myself ready. Then I wake up the girls, change diapers, get them dressed, and do their hair in their bedroom. I leave their outfits out the night before just outside their room. I usually have a stash of diapers in their room for middle-of-the-night diaper changes and after spa and whatnot.

Anyway, I grab their clothes and walk in and realize there are no diapers left on the shelf. Both girls are laying down and it sounds like they are snoring, so instead of waking them up to bring them downstairs for diaper change, I just walk out and run downstairs to grab more diapers.

I walk back into their room and Charlotte is standing up in her crib, in the corner closest to the door, looking out the door. For some reason, it really surprised me/scared me, because I wasn't expecting it. I thought they were both sleeping.

So I jumped and yelled "Ah!" really big!

And because I yelled loudly, it made Charlotte jump really big.

And then I just started cracking up. "You scared me!" I told her. Fortunately because I was laughing, she started laughing too instead of crying because she got scared.

Of course this silly little moment woke Violet up, but that was OK.

It was just a funny way to start the day.

OK, I think that's it for now. I never stop wishing that you would be here to experience all of this craziness. I just look at these kids and know how much you would love them.

I miss you.


Monday, August 25, 2014

Dammit Taylor Swift!

Hey boo,

How's it going?

So, Taylor Swift has a new song playing on the radio. And of course, I have to rock out to it.

I just want to NOT like her!

But then I do!

I'm a closet Taylor Swift fan. Don't be mad at me. :-P

Ok, hearts!

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Happy Miserable

Hey boo,

How's it going? I'm just missing you as always...

I still constantly have the urge to email you, or think "I want to tell Chaz that" after something funny/stupid/sad/annoying/whatever happens.

It sucks.

So, I've got my Pandora playing right now, and of course, a Justin Timberlake song comes on. It's from Part 1 of the 20/20 Experience CD... I bought it when I was preggo with Will, and listened to it constantly in my car while I was driving.

So anytime I hear a song from it, it always reminds me of being pregnant, in the cold yucky winter months of February and March.

It was such a "happy miserable" time. You know I always complained of being miserable when I was pregnant. But I also loved it at the same time. It was misery worth having, so that made it happy and good.

So, a part of me doesn't want to listen to these songs, because I want them to ALWAYS remind me of that time. I want them to always give me the feelings that I had during those last few months of pregnancy.

But then another part of me does want to listen to them, so that I do have those feelings right now. But I just don't want these songs to get tainted, and lose their "magic."

I don't know, it's a weird and complicated to explain. I guess it's more of that Jukebox Therapy stuff going on...

I miss you.


Wednesday, August 6, 2014

1 Year

Hey boo,

How's it going? I'm sure you can guess how I'm feeling...

It's been 1 year. One fricken year.

And it STILL does not seem real.

Will it ever?

I look at pictures of you, and I think is it really possible that I haven't seen your face in an entire year?

That I haven't felt your scruffy beard, or your ooo la la freshly shaved face. That I haven't touched your "funny ear" or shown you how your nose is as long as my finger. Or touched your "bowling ball head" after getting a hair cut.

That I haven't complained about your "sock fuzzies" on the carpet, or heard you "rip ass" from across the room. I haven't had to ask you to shut the door when you're "painting a picasso."

I haven't heard you laugh, or heard the way you clear your throat when you get all emotional and don't want to cry.I haven't heard the garage door open and told the kids "Yay, Daddy's home!" I haven't had to caution you when you throw the kids up in the air.

I haven't had you talk to me about NASCAR or walked by you to see you on I haven't heard the phone ring, and known that it was you calling to ask what was for dinner or if you should pick something up.

There hasn't been an email in my inbox telling me what time the kids got checked in at school. Or an email telling me how tired you are. Or an email telling me you loved me. There hasn't been any emails at all, except these ones that I write to you.

We haven't watched Friends bloopers on youtube before bed. Or played "name that artist" to those dorky music collection infomercials. I haven't told you what happened on Ellen today, or what episode of Daniel Tiger we watched.

I haven't heard you ask me "How was work?" and I haven't had to reply "The usual."

You haven't randomly played some song from our younger years on youtube for me. And I haven't heard you take the first sip of your Dr. Pepper and say "aaaahhhhh..."

We haven't talked about our past. And we haven't talked about our future.

It's just me.

Trying to live the future we had planned for our family. Our family of FIVE. It's not right that there are only 4 of us here to live our hopes and dreams. It's just. not. right.

I can't believe how much emptiness can hurt. It's paralyzing pain.

1 year. One year of torture. One year of hell on Earth. One year.

I didn't think I could make it through 1 day, let alone a year. I still have times where I'm not sure I can make it through the next hour.

It's still just 30 seconds at a time.

I've made it through 1 year, 30 seconds at a time.

I miss you. I ache for you. I just want to put my head on your chest and for you to give me a hug.

I love you. Love. Lovebuckets. Hearts.

Monday, July 21, 2014

I Can't Focus

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I'm a fricken mess.

I knew this time of year was going to be hard, but man, it is HARD.

I made it through your birthday.  I kept myself busy and distracted.  And of course, I always make it through every holiday.  I don't think anyone has ever died of a broken heart, even if I feel like I might sometime.

But now we're approaching the one-year mark, and I can hardly handle it.

I had a doctor appt this morning to review some new meds I started on a month ago.  Now I'm on a combo of 2 anti-depressants, and it has really helped with the rut I was in.  It's lifted my mood and I wasn't sas irritable and blah all the time.

But of course, in the appt, we have to talk about my current situation and she asked how long it had been.  I told her it was almost a year, and she asked what I was planning to do.  I said I have no idea, probably just cry.  She said that's totally fine.

But any time I really talk about stuff, it just screws me up so bad.  So of course I was bawling the entire way to work.  I pulled it together enough to get in the building, get to my desk, and start working.

But all I could do was stare at my computer.  I just CAN'T focus.

Then a helicopter flew over head.  And I imagine what I feel when I hear a helicopter is what they portray Vietnam vets having flashbacks is like.  It seriously sends me into a panic/anxiety attack.

I was sitting at my desk with my eyes scrunched closed trying to block it out, but of course, that was impossible.  So I got up and went to the bathroom, and just lost it.  I was sitting in the stall crying my eyes out.

But I can't sit there forever.  First of all, someone was bound to come in soon, and I don't feel like answering a ton of questions, or just feeling awkward from crying with them not saying anything.

So again, I try to pull it together and get back to my desk.  I managed to print a few things off, but again, I was just staring at my computer, lost in thoughts of what life was like a year ago.

And it makes me miserable.  Such a happy time was suddenly replaced with the worst time, and I have no control over it.  A year ago, we were making plans, going out, laughing, having fun, just loving our average little life.

I want that back so bad.

So of course, I couldn't stop the tears from flowing at my desk.  I might have stayed at my desk if it wasn't so open to everyone, and if I was sniffling and doing the weird breathing thing when you try to hold back sobs.

So I quickly grabbed my papers and popped  my laptop off the dock in search of a private conference room.  Fortunately I only passed 1 person on the way, and they know my situation, so they didn't say anything about my bright red, crying face.

So now, here I sit, in a little personal conference room.  I thought I would be able to work in here and just cry at the same time.  I've done it before.

But I seriously can't pull my head together.  I am so lost.  I'm such a mess.  I don't know what I'm going to do over these next few weeks.  I can hardly do my job.

Oh shit, and the helicopter is flying over again right now.

Ugh... What am I going to do?!?!?!

I miss you so much!  So so so so so so so so much!!!!


Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Scrambled Eggs

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I'm a ball of stress...

So, I feel like I haven't emailed you in a while... I've just been so blah lately.  I have a lot I want to tell you, but then I get too depressed to even write it because I'm like, what's the point?

But I want to keep emailing you so "publicly" to show what my life is like now, and to share my feelings that I can't always say.  I've gotten a lot of support from others by emailing you, since you aren't here to give me that support anymore...

So yeah, here's my email...

You're birthday came and went.  I cried and laughed.  I missed you like whoa.  But I made it through, just like all the other holidays that I've survived.

You're mom was here that day.  We had a cake, and sang Happy Birthday.  Really, I sang it because I don't think your mom could handle it, and my voice was definitely choked up by the end of it.  Quite the depressing little birthday party...

I visited the cemetery.  I brought you a Dr. Pepper.  I drank half of it. :-)  But we always shared like that.

Then the 11-month mark passed.  I just have no words for that.  All I can do is shake my head in disbelief that this is still really happening.  I'm still waiting to wake up from this nightmare.  I seriously wish it every night before I go to bed.

Now I'm dealing with crazy grown-up stuff that I hate dealing with.  Plus, my brain is just moosh anyways.  Which I hate saying considering your cause of death.  In fact, I hate talking about anything brain related.  I definitely stopped using  one our favorite phrases for when we are being stupid - "brain damage."

Ugh, but seriously, my head is scrambled eggs right now.  I have 9827980431751 thoughts running through my head at any one moment.  I'm just a mess.

Alright, that's it for now.

I miss you.


Saturday, June 28, 2014

Saturday Nights

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I'm tired.

For some reason, Saturday nights are always rough.  I don't know why.  Maybe it's because I've talked to nobody but the kids all day, and then they go to bed, and I have nobody to talk to.

Although today, my mom came over in the morning so I could bring the kids to the pool for an hour.  So, I guess I did talk to someone else today.

Anyways, it took FOREVER to get all the kids to go to bed tonight.  I don't know what their deal was... I think everyone was finally asleep by 9:30... which is basically 2-2.5 hours past their bedtime...

So, I accomplished nothing tonight.  The house is a disaster, but after I got the kids down, I ate a bowl of cereal and wasted time on Pinterest...

And now, I'm too tired to do anything else.  So I'm going to actually try and go to bed early tonight.

Anyways, that's it.  I miss you a lot.  I still look at pictures and videos and think "is this really happening?"  I just miss you.


Tuesday, June 24, 2014

"Do You Love Mommy?"

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I'm still feeling extra blah lately.

I talked to my therapist about it, and she suggested I add on another anti-depressant to what I'm already taking.  She can't prescribe meds, so I had to talk to my doctor about it.  She agreed, so tomorrow I will be taking 2 pills.

"Where does depression hurt?"  "Everywhere." :-P

For reals.

Anyways, as I'm trying to have a good summer with the kids, I realize that I just don't want to do it without you.  Every new thing that we do, I am so fricken sad that you aren't there to enjoy it with us.  And I'm only enjoying it with about 20% of my heart.  I want to be happy and have fun for the kids.  But I always have this dark cloud hanging over me, so I can't just get completely lost in the fun...


Oh.  So Violet told me she didn't love me the other day.  Awesome.

And there have been a few days where the girls don't want to come home with me when I pick them up at daycare.  Also awesome.

I cried when Violet said she didn't love me.  She said she loves Nana.  Ugh, I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

I also talked with the therapist about this, and she said that's actually a normal thing that a lot of kids do.  She said that they don't even really know what "love" is.  It's just a word.

And I had actually asked Violet "Do you love Mommy?"  To which she replied "No. I love Nana."  So, my therapist said, just don't ask her!  You gave her a yes/no question, and she just happened to say "no."  It doesn't necessarily mean what you think...

But I don't know.  It still sucks.  And it still really really really really hurt.  Like, bad.

It was actually Charlotte who I had predicted would be the first to say something like that.

But I can tell that Violet's been mad at me lately.  I'm "mean Momma" a lot, and I know that is making her act different towards me.

I don't know.  Blah.

I guess I just need to try harder at finding "nice Momma" again.

I miss you so fricken much.  Like whoa.


Wednesday, June 18, 2014


Hey boo,

How's it going?  We've got some big ol' thunderstorms going on right now!

So, remember one time you got to work and realized you had 1 brown shoe and 1 black shoe on?  Or the other time when you got to daycare to drop the kids off, and realized you had your Crocs on?

Today I got to daycare, and realized I still had my flip-flops on!  Ugh... I usually just slip those on when I'm loading the kids in the car, and then I put my dress shoes on as I'm walking out the door with the last kid to be loaded.  Well, I forgot to do that today!  DANGIT!

Sure, I probably could have pulled off flip-flops as work attire.  I know there are ladies around here who wear some fancy flip-flops.  But these were my junky, $1 Old Navy flip-flops.  And I hate walking around the quiet office making the "flip flop flip flop" noise... Plus, I have another networking lunch today, so I didn't want to be all casual corner!

So, I had to back-track, and drive home to change my shoes.  Of course, I was already running late, so then I was just super mega late... Since I was super mega late anyways, I decided "F- it, I'm getting Subway for breakfast!"  So I stopped and picked up a steak, egg, and cheese on flatbread!  Mmmm... :-)

Anyways, that's more story.  I didn't really have a point, I just had to share!

I miss you like whoa!  Is it weird that I'm adult and I'm scared of thunderstorms?  It sucks being alone when "the thunder booms and lightning flashes!" (do you remember that quote from the kids' book "Pooh's Best Day"?  Yeah, I have all the kids' books basically memorized!).

Ok, hearts and farts!

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

I'm Such a Brat

Hey boo,

How's it going?

So I forgot to tell you how I'm feeling like the Wicked Bitch of the West...

You know how I was bitching the other day about the yard and keeping up with the Jones' and what the neighbors think and blah blah blah?

Well, shortly after that, a big bunch of neighbors came and did a ton of work on our yard.  Like, way more than I was expecting.  I just wanted some grass planted in the back corner of the yard where the new road is.

But they came over and adjusted all our sprinklers, and picked weeds from all over, I think they even trimmed back some of the bushes and trees!


Obviously we are surrounded by some really nice people who have only the best intentions, and sometimes I'm just a big brat.


Anyways, just wanted to share.  I'm still just in a funk.  Like, my heart is heavy.  I know that's just a saying, but I can just feel this weight in my chest.  It's so hard to explain.  Like, the weight of this new reality is settling in on me...

Speaking of which, have a told you about how I'm so frustrated with my posture?   It feels like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, almost literally!  Like, I can't stand up or sit up straight.  I notice it all the time and then I try to pull my shoulders back, but it just feels so unnatural.   Like, I have no desire to stand up straight (even though I do because it's killing my back).  But I just feel down, and lacking confidence or something, and it's totally affecting my body.  It's so weird.  And I often find myself doing the weird neck cracking thing that you used to do because my shoulders and neck hurt.  Like I'm carrying all the tension there.

Anyways, apparently "grief" affects EVERYTHING.  So much more than I ever would have thought.


Ok, that's it.  I miss you every second.


Saturday, June 14, 2014

All Sorts of Randomnes

Hey boo,

How's it going?

I forget what things I've told you about the kids lately...

Did I tell you how Charlotte likes to add a consonant sound to the end of words that end in a vowel sound?  For example, a "bow" (like hair bow) is a "bowt".  Or pee is peep.  Or zoo is zoon.  It's cute.  Violet does it for some things too (like zoo/zoon).

Will is just getting so much more communicative... If that makes sense?  Like, he can get his point across better to me, and let me know what he wants.  He kind of says some words, ball, dog, cat, night-night... Of course, all of these don't sound exactly like to word, but I can tell that's what he's saying.  He can definitely say "more" though. It's super cute because he does the baby sign for it too. "More more more?"  It's like when Charlotte first learned the baby sign for "eat" and she do it and make a little "mmm" noise.  Of course I had to give Charlotte something to eat when she was so cute doing it!  So of course Will gets more when he asks so cute too!

I'm still stuck in a rut.  I'm just blah-er than usual, if that makes sense.  It's hard to pull myself out of it, because there isn't really anything brighter to pull myself out to.  You know what I mean?  Like, I'm not looking forward to anything, nothing really makes me feel truly happy.

I don't know, it's just like, same shit, different day.

I always keep myself busy with all my silly little projects.  Right now it's working on my other blog.  I don't know what my plans are for it, but it would be cool if it could make some money.  Blogging is kind of the perfect thing for a passive-aggressive introvert like me.  I can say whatever I want and I never have to deal with people.  I can spend hours trying to get the wording just right.

I could officially become a "hobbit" if I was a real blogger. :-)  Remember one time I was like, "I just want to be a hobbit."  And you were like, "What?!?!  What are you talking about?!?"  And I was like, "Because I'd never have to deal with anyone ever.  I just want to stay in the house forever!"  And you laughed and said "Isn't that a 'hermit'?"  And I looked at you realizing you were right, and we laughed!  And from then on, we just always used the term 'hobbit' instead of 'hermit.'

Anyways, more about the kids... So, I've kinda realized that I hardly give the kids physical affection anymore.  Like, I give them hugs and kisses when I drop them off at daycare, or if they get an owie.  And of course they are always fighting to sit in my lap.  But I've realized I'm never really connecting with them.  Does that make sense?

I had this little breakthrough yesterday, when Violet came to sit in my lap, and she was kind of it in like baby, so it was like I was holding her like she was a baby (a big baby!).  And I started rocking her and humming to her, and I realized, when is that last time I did this?!?!  Fortunately Charlotte and Will were playing OK on their own, so I just sat there and hummed and rocked Violet for a few minutes.  She loved it, she just snuggled right into my chest.  I miss good snuggles...

Then when I was trying to get the kids go down to nappy, Charlotte did not want to sleep.  So I finally picked her up out of her crib, and she put her head on my shoulder, and I just rocked her again to the lullaby music on their radio that plays during naptime.  Again, she loved it.  After a few minutes, I was able to put her in her crib, and she layed down with no arguments.

And when they woke up and I went to pick her up out of her crib, she gave me a big hug and a kiss!  I almost started crying.  It just doesn't seem like that has happened in a while.

Ok, I guess that's enough of my randomness for now.  I don't feel like proof-reading this, so ignore all of the mistakes.


Monday, June 9, 2014

Deep Thoughts by Sarah

Hey boo,

How's it going?

So, you know how sometimes the most random thoughts ever pop into my head?  Well, here's what I was thinking about when I was trying to fall asleep last night.

Who made up the ABC song?  Seriously, it was in my head last night...

And then I was thinking, who determined what order the ABC's go in?  Why does it start with A, why does B come next, etc?

And who determined that "B" was going to make a 'buh' sound?  And who decided what these letters were going to look like?

Who decided that putting "gh" together makes a sound like an "f"?  Why not just use an "f"?  The same goes for "ph"...

What about this whole "silent k" at the beginning of words?  What a waste of a letter!

Oh, and the list of crazy thoughts went on and on... basically, my mind was blown by the ABC's...

I know, I'm so deep. :-P

Anyways, I'm in a total funk as far as how I'm doing.  But I feel like I've been a big depressing ball of yuck when I'm writing to you.  So I wanted to write something somewhat amusing...

Missing you always!


Saturday, June 7, 2014

Spiraling Down

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I feel blue.

It's just been one of those days.  It starts out with the kids whining while I'm getting breakfast ready.

My mom came over this morning so I could go grocery shopping with only Charlotte for some one on one time.  Before I went, I had to Google something real quick.  Since I was on the computer, I checked my email.  Which lead me to check Facebook.  And then there was another one of those darn articles at the top of my feed that I know I should just stay away from based on the title. But I thought maybe they are joking...

Nope.  I only skimmed the article, but yeah, it still made me feel like the suckiest parent ever.  How is it possible for these articles to do this to me?

And from there, I've just been spiraling down...

I hate the fact that I can't even smile at our kids.  That they can be crying because they "want to sit in Momma's lap" during lunch time, and I'm just crying right along with them.

It's just one of those days where I'm here, making sure the kids are alive, but I'm not being a parent.

And I hate it.  That's not who I want to be.  But once I start going down, it feels impossible to pull myself back up.

I hate that I'm here doing this on my own.  Yes, my mom comes and helps 3 times/week.  But it's still all on me.  I'm the decision maker, I'm the one responsible for these kids.  And I just don't have a fricken clue what I'm doing.

Why do people call other people bad parents, or judge them for how their kids act?  I'm pretty sure most parents are trying the best they can.  And some people have different tolerances for different behaviors.  I don't know, it just drives me nuts.

As if I'm not already concerned with how our kids will grow and develop, now I have to worry about all the Judgey McJudgersons out there... It sucks.

Speaking of Judgey... Another thing that got me down today was driving up to our house after grocery shopping.  I am always so worried about the appearance of the outside of our house and what other people will think.

Last year, maybe just a week or 2 after you died, one of our neighbors offered to do something with the sprinklers "because they were sick of looking at our brown grass. Lol."  Ok, really?  My husband just died and now you are telling me you are sick of my brown grass.  Sure, you're just trying to help, but there are a thousand more sensitive ways you could have said it.  Adding on the "LOL" doesn't really help, because I think most people have a hint of seriousness behind some of their jokes...

And really, grass was at the absolute bottom of my priority list.  I could care less if it was brown and dying.  And I would think that it wouldn't matter to my neighbors either.  I would have rather just not had them say anything at all.

And next, it's not like I'm a fricken millionaire.  It costs money to water your lawn.  In my opinion, it's a huge waste.  But apparently, just after I lose the breadwinner of the family, they want me to fork out the dough so that we don't have an eye-sore of a lawn...

I'm sure that's what all the people who donated money to us wanted me to spending it on.  So we could have green grass... Seems logical... :-P
Before that, I never really thought about the outside of our house.  But now that I know that people are actually paying attention to it, I suddenly am too.

I was so concerned about the dandelions this spring.  God forbid we have a sea of yellow in our front yard.  Gosh, what would the neighbors think?!?!

And now, I've turned on the sprinklers, and they run every fricken morning, and yet our grass is still brown and crappy looking.  So, that just added to my downward spiral as I was driving into the garage today...

It's so stupid to worry about these things.  But how can I not?  I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders, and every little thing sets me off.

And I know, the intentions behind everything were good.  They were trying to help...  I appreciate the help.  But I don't think all help is good help...

Blah, anyways, I'm just going down down down... I wish you here to give me a hug and I would say "I'm like this..."

I miss you.


Friday, June 6, 2014

10 Months

Hey boo,

How's it going?

Well, it's now been 10 months... Holy balls...

Like I always say, I still can't believe you're gone...

I was driving down to the Perrigo company store on Thursday to make my last visit using your remaining credit, and the whole time I kept thinking, "this is so stupid."  It's so stupid that you aren't here.  It's so stupid that this is happening. Stupid stupid stupid.

When I look at your pictures, I always think how stupid it is that that is the only way I see you now.  You should be sitting here with me.  I also look at them and wonder if you know that you are gone.  Where are you and what are you thinking?  It's not like you were expecting to die at the age of barely 30, so I wonder how you feel about this whole thing?

Death wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't so permanent...

Or if it was like jail (or at least how jail is portrayed on TV and movies), where you're allowed "1 phone call."

If you could make just one phone call to me, and let me know you're OK, it seems like it would make this much easier to handle.  You don't even have to call me, just call someone who can relay the info back to me.

"5 more min..." Like I always said when it was time to wake up in the morning.  Or I wouldn't even bother to talk or open my eyes, I would just show you my hand, like a high five.

Five more minutes is all I'm asking for...


10 months.  That's basically a year... And next month is your birthday...

All of this is so stupid.

I miss you.


Sunday, June 1, 2014

Kids Say (and Do) the Darndest Things...

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I'm pretty darn tired.

The girls are starting to wake up in the middle of the night because they are "hungry" or "thirsty" or "hot" or a whole bunch of other reasons... And I'm just like WTF?  What happened to my good little sleepers?

Anyways, sometimes I hear the things they say, and I'm just like, oh geez... because it's something I say or have said... Sometimes it's good, and sometimes it's bad.  Sometimes it's cute, and sometimes it just reminds me of how I don't always act like the best parent out there.

A cute thing is that when they are putting their dolls or animals on their little toy potty, or the potty in the Little People house, they says "Push it out!"  I say that to them when they are on the potty to remind them to push out their poopoo... :-P

A bad thing was when I was driving with just Violet the other day.  My mom watched the other 2 while I took Violet grocery shopping with me, for some one on one time.  On the way home I stopped to get gas because it was 20cents cheaper than at Meijer.  Of course the station was packed, but someone was leaving as I was pulling in.  Unfortunately, if I pulled in that way, the pump would be on the opposite side of my tank.  So instead of doing some crazy backing-up, Austin Powers, turn-around, I decided to just loop around all the pumps and come back.  Except as I was about to pull in, someone else pulled in from the other side where I just was!  So I said "Thanks Jerk!" because he cut me off and now I had to wait for a pump to open up... So then Violet says "Thanks Jerk!" and of course, my automatic response was "Seriously!" And then I was like, oh wait, that is my 2-year-old saying that.  Awesome.  So she says "Thanks Jerk!" about 20 more times on our way home, and I was just like "Ok Violet, we don't need to say it anymore..." And then I started ignoring her.  And eventually she stopped saying it... Parent of the year!

Violet is our "oldest" and she definitely has acquired some of those traits somehow... She is pretty darn bossy and acts like she runs the show sometimes...  Will was trying to get the sunscreen bottle as I was putting the lotion on all of them so we could go outside.  And Violet grabs it from him and says "No Will!  Don't touch the ice cream!  It's for grown-ups only!"  Yes, they call sunscreen 'ice cream.' It's very confusing sometimes and I know I should correct them, but sometimes it's just so cute. :-)  Anyways, yeah, I say "It's for grown-ups only" for a lot of things... I'm not sure how I feel about her saying that.  I guess it just makes me feel weird, like, is that the right thing I should be saying?

More of 'Little Miss I'm in Charge'...  The girls were in their chairs at the table, and Charlotte was trying to hold Violet's hand, or touch her high chair, or who knows what, and Violet says "No Charlotte! Keep your hands to oh self!"  By 'oh self' she means 'yourself.'  Yup, say that a lot too... Except I say that a lot more to Violet because she is the aggressive one who is always getting up in brother or sister's business... So I tell her to 'keep her hands to herself..'  Again, is that right thing?  I have no idea...

As for the "kids do the darndest things' portion of this email, this one is all about Will.  So, I haven't shaved my legs in like 2 days, but I'm still wearing shorts because it's Sunday, we are at home, we aren't going anywhere, I've got nobody to impress, so who cares?  Apparently, your son cares.  I was sitting on the couch, Violet was sitting on my lap and I had my feet up on the ottoman/bench thing.  Of course Will sees that I'm snuggling someone and he wants a piece of that action too.  So, here he comes, and he puts his hand on my leg to say he wants 'uppie.'  And he just lifts his hand up, then rubs it back and forth on my leg, and looks at me with the most grossed out look on his face!  I was just like, oh my word, are you serious kid?!?!  Then he kept rubbing my leg and looking at me weird... Apparently he's not a fan of my prickly legs! :-P

And yesterday I was trying on some bathing suits that were handed down to us for the girls.  I was a little nervous about them fitting Charlotte, so I put her in one of them, but it's hard to tell when she is standing basically on top of me if it fits OK or not...  So I put her down a few feet away from me and asked her "Are you comfortable?  Let me see what you got going on."  In other words, I wanted to see if it was too tight on the legs or anywhere else... And she just does this half turn and sticks her butt out at me and looks over her shoulder at me!  It was like she was totally asking me if the outfit made her butt look fat?!!  I did a huge laugh that scared Violet (apparently they aren't used to me laughing).  But it was just so funny, how did she know that that is what I was trying to figure out?

Oh, these kids are something else, I tell you what! :-)

Ok, that's it for now.  I miss you more everyday...


Friday, May 23, 2014

Freak Out Zone

Hey boo,

How's it going?  Ugh, I am so frustrated and crabby...

So, every day with the kids is hard.  There is no denying that.  But some days are much, MUCH harder.  Like, the days where it's just me and the kids.  Duh... Obviously that makes sense, because I have no one to help.  (Although there some of the days where I do have help are really, REALLY hard too).

I know these days are going to be difficult to get through, so I always do my best to make it manageable.

Like, when the girls were still getting bottles, I made sure to feed them every 3 hours, whether they acted hungry or not, because I didn't want them to get the "freak out zone" when it was just me with them.

Where as you would wait until they were crying because they were hungry... Resulting in "freak out zone," which is where they were screaming their heads off while you got the bottle ready, and they were so worked up by the time you could give them bottle that they could hardly eat.  Oh, how that got on my nerves...  But I would take that (and any of the other stuff that annoyed me) all day every day, just to have you back again...

Anyways, so what I'm trying to say is, I do my best to prevent "freak out zone" when I'm with the kids.

And I don't know if it's a toddler thing, a twin thing, or if my patience has gone out the window, but there are just some days where no matter what I do, they are in "freak out zone" all day...

Isn't it weird how a toddler screaming and crying can just wear on you so much?  Even if I'm just ignoring it, trying to tune it out, while I change someone else's diaper, or get lunch ready... It still just exhausts me and turns me into an even crazier person that I already am!

Today has been one of those days.  I'm trying to so hard to be a "good mom" or a "cool mom" or at least, what I feel like a good mom might be like.  I think everyone has a different interpretation of it.  Actually, it's not even trying to be a "good mom."  It's that I am trying to be the mom I always envisioned myself being.  The mom I WANT to be.

So, we wake up and go downstairs.  Before we can eat, we have to change diapers.  I don't try to rush them in this at all (I've learned my lesson on rushing through this.  If we don't need to rush, then we are less likely to hit "freak out zone" if I don't push them.)  So, la-de-dah, I ask each of the girls "do you want your diaper changed on the ground or on the table?" (By table, I mean the changing table.)  They both usually choose the ground.  Sometimes they say, "no" that they don't want their diaper changed.  Well, since there are 3 kids here, I usually move on to the next one.  If they are still refusing, I sit on the ground and wait for them to come over.  They are usually playing with toys in the living room, so eventually, they make their way over to me.  They know the routine.  But sometimes, they start to whine says "I wanna eat snack" (every time they eat is called snack to them).  So, I tell them I need to change your diaper before we can eat.  And that is typically when they finally mosey on over for a diaper change.  We made it through this portion of our day relatively easy, maybe a few little whines on who is going to sit by Momma or in Momma's lap.  But for the most part, we avoided freak out zone.

But then as soon as we walk in to the kitchen to get breakfast ready, all hell breaks loose!

"I want my milk!"
"No, I want my milk!"
Pushing and shoving to get into the fridge.
Brother tries to get in on the action too, even though I don't think he's really trying to get his milk.  He just wanted to do what his sisters are doing... :-P

I finally get through the commotion, and let each of them grab their milks out of the fridge.
"Violet, do you want pancakes or waffles for breakfast."
"Charlotte, do you want pancakes or waffles for breakfast"
Ok, that's fine, I can deal with making them their own thing.  They are just freezer items that pop into the toaster.

Unfortunately, as I'm trying to "cook" their breakfast, they are all under my feet, arguing with each other about who knows what.  Brother wants me to pick him up, so he is literally hanging on to my leg as a shuffle around the kitchen to get plates and forks and microwave up some sausage too.  Yeah, I'm a super good cook!

"Who wants to sit in this chair?" (the girls used to have specific chairs they always sat in.  Then one day my mom moved their both of their chairs onto one side of the table, and they sat in each others seat, so now it's always a toss up of where they are going to sit...)
"I sit in THIS one!"
"No, I sit in THIS one!"
Commence crying and pushing.

"Violet is going to sit in this one because she was here first.  So, it's her turn.  Charlotte, you can sit in it at lunch time."
Charlotte crying.  She fights as I put her in the "other" chair that is apparently not as cool, even though it is 1 inch from the other chair.  Sometimes the chairs are touching they sit so close...
Crying crying crying as I get brother into his chair, and put their plates and sippy cups in front of them.

"I want pancakes too!"
"Violet, you said you wanted waffles, so I made you waffles."
"I want paaaannnnncaaaaakessss!!!!"
Crying crying crying...

Charlotte: "I wanna sit in Momma's lap."
"You can't sit in Momma's lap because I'm not even sitting. I'm still cutting up brother's food."
"I wanna sit in Momma's laaaaaaap!!!!"
Crying crying crying...

Violet: "I want more milk!"
"You still have some milk in your cup.  Finish that and then I'll get you some more."
Chugs milk.
"I want more milk!"
"What do you say?"

Now brother is signing "more", so I'm filling Violet's milk and getting brother more pancakes.  All the while, they are all whining and crying about who knows what.  I have yet to sit down between running all over the kitchen trying to get what everyone needs.

So yeah, breakfast  was definitely "freak out zone."  What the heck am I doing wrong?  I try giving them "options" so they feel like they are in control,  yet they are still just spazztastic!

As they seem to wrapping up... "Do you want me to wipe your hands and face, or are you still eating?"
Ok, maybe that was a tough question to answer and I should rephrase it somehow... "Are you still eating?"
"Are you all done?"
"Are you going to take a big bite or a little bite?"
"Big bite!!!" Takes a giant bite.
Ok, so you're still eating...

Finally everyone is done.  Now comes another tricky part.  I want them to play independently so I can clean up the kitchen while I inhale my waffle and Diet Coke.

Some days, this works.  Others, not so much.

Today it worked for about 3 minutes before the arguing over some toy or whatever began...

From the kitchen I say "Violet, you have to ask her nicely if you can have it.  Say 'Charlotte, can I play with that please?"
Violet: "Please?"
Charlotte: "No!"
"That was a good job saying 'please' Violet, but Charlotte is still playing with it. You have to wait your turn."
Crying crying crying...

I don't want to always have to break up fights between them, they need to learn to deal with it on their own, but I know if I let this little argument escalate, someone is going to get bit, pushed, or pinched.

So, I skip sweeping the floor and go in to play with them.  Maybe they just need me to spend time with them.  That's why they are crabby.

"What do you guys want to do?"
"Uppie!" (someone wants me to pick them up)
"I want uppie too!"
"Mommy can't uppie both of you.  How about I sit on the ground so you can both sit in my lap?"
Crying crying crying...

"Do you guys want to play library?"
"Do you want to play follow the leader?"
"Do you want to play adventure?"
"Do you want to snuggle and watch TV?"
"I want to snuggle!"
"Ok, what do you want to watch?"
"Tinkerbell!"  "Busytown!"
"We're going to watch Tinkerbell because we watched what you picked out yesterday."
Crying crying crying...

I sit on the ground, and they all fight over my lap.  All 3 of them.  I sit with my legs in a straddle so that each girl can sit on a leg, and Will can sit in the middle.  This is a perfect arrangement, except none of them are happy with it!  Everyone wants to sit in the middle... Hey, guess what?  Momma can't do the splits anymore, so I can't fit all 3 of you in there...
Crying crying pushing pushing...
Momma going crazy because I just need everyone to get out of my face!

"Charlotte, do you want to make me so 'nogurt'" (That's what they call yogurt.)
"Yeah!"  Runs and gets the toy pot and a toy spoon, and "makes" me some nogurt at the play kitchen and comes to feed it to me.
Meanwhile, Will has finally ventured away and is playing with some toy.  Violet is still snuggling on my lap, which she now has to herself, so she moves to the middle.
"Can you make me some coffee too?"
"Yeah!"  Feeds me the same stuff.
"Can you put my coffee in a cup?"
"Yeah!" Searches for the toy cup...

Yay for a time when everything is going mostly OK...

"Do you guys want to go outside?  Momma got you guys a bird feeder that we can hang on the tree so we can watch the birds through the window!"
"Alright, we gotta put shoes on first!"

A little bit of a scuffle determining who's shoe is whose (I have no idea about the who vs whose thing, grammer police).  But we make it through.

Walk out into the garage.  HUGE spider hanging from the ceiling...
"Alright guys, we gotta go back inside a minute, Momma's gotta take care of something."
Get them all back in the kitchen, grab the bug spray and walk out... Deal with the spider, which was a very stressful situation.  Sprayed and a smooshed with one of your shoes (sorry!) just to confirm that it was dead.

We go outside and hang the bird feeder.  I try to take their picture in front of one of our trees that is flowering super pretty right now.  Nobody is having any of that.  Someone sees a bug.  We go back inside.

"I want my milk!"
"No Violet, you can't have milk right now, but you can have water."
Crying crying crying...

More craziness taking shoes off because they want to leave them on.  We finally get shoes off.

"What should we play now?"
"Do you want to play library?"

So we play library, which is them grabbing books, putting them in a bag and bringing it to me.  We learned this game from your  mom actually.  Sometimes they have a library card.  I was too lazy to find one today.

We read books, again arguing over who gets to sit where, over what book we read, over who gets to hold what book, over the fact that they want to see that page again, over the fact that brother is trying to take the book we are reading... blah blah blah...

"Mommy has to go potty, can you guys be good for a minute?"

Obviously not, because I'm going and then someone is crying.  Who knows what happened, but someone got bit while I was in the bathroom...

I get them ice and give hugs.  She settles down.

"Do you guys want to make handprints?"

I saw this cute handprint on Pinterest to make an American flag, kinda... So, I wanted to try that since it is Memorial Day weekend...

I make each of their handprints (which is a fiasco in itself), and then I let them just free finger paint.  Lots of mess, but whatever, it wipes up.
Some crying because someone took somebodies paper.  Crying because someone wants their hands wiped. Crying because they want to wipe in themselves (which I let them).  Crying because they want a new wipey.  Crying because now they want to color.  Crying because they wanted markers instead of crayons...

While they are doing their "arts and crafts,"  I'm trying to get lunch together.  Which is just re-heated leftovers from last night, and some blackberries.  This should take 5 minutes, but I keep getting interrupted by spazzing about all that stuff...

Finally, everything is ready.  I quick wipe their hands and the table.  I put the plate in front of them.  The girls instantly cry.  "I don't like it!"  Ugh...

Brother is just chowing down...

They finally eat their blackberries. "More blackberries please!"
"Good job saying please, but the blackberries are all gone."
"I wanna see all gone." They like me to prove that the the stuff is really gone for some reason, so I show them the empty container.
They see that brother still has blackberries on his plate though.
"I want brother's blackberries."
"No, those are brothers, he just hasn't eaten them yet."
Crying crying crying...

And I don't know if it was just because I'm exhausted or who knows what.  But at this point, I just lose it.
"Fine, are you all done then?  Do you just want to go in your crib and go to nappy right now?!?"
Crying crying crying...
I pick Charlotte up, bring her upstairs, change her diaper and put her in her crib.
"Lay down on the ground!"
"No, I'm not laying on the ground, I have 2 other kids to take care of!"  (like she even understands that... but at this point, I'm a crazy person.)
Crying crying crying...

I go back downstairs and do the same for Violet.
She's in her crib, crying crying crying...

I go back downstairs and brother is still just chowing down, un-phased by his sister's antics.

I sit with him and try to cool down and feel guilty about my crazy person reaction to the girls.  They are crying, and finally yelling for me to "snuggle me in!" So, I go upstairs and snuggle them in (which is our way of saying 'tuck me in.')  I walk out and they cry cry cry...

I go back downstairs to brother, and I end up giving him some of his sisters food that they didn't eat...

The girls settle down and stop crying after a few minutes...

Now brother is all done, so I clean him up, change his diaper, and I bring him upstairs.  We do his normal routine of reading a book, rocking for a few minutes, and then I put him down to go to nappy.

And then I came downstairs, cleaned up a little, and started writing this email...

That was the first 5ish hours of my day...

Is it chaotic?  It feels chaotic to me.

Am I just overreacting?  Am I doing something wrong?

It feels like the kids spent most of the morning in"freak out zone."  And then I finally got to my own "freak out zone" too...

What makes this different than most other mom's?  The fact that you won't be coming home in a few hours to provide "back up" or for me to even vent to about all of this.  The fact that there is never any balance to these hard times.  It's ALWAYS hard, even when the kids are sleeping, because I'm always missing you.

I'm trying so hard. I try to do these fun things with the kids.  I try to give them space.  I try to give them down time.  But it just feels like they still end up freaking out.  And the more they freak out, the closer it brings me to freaking out, until I just snap.

How do other mom's do it?  I'm so confused.  What am I supposed to be doing?

Ugh... Well, I spent the entire nap time writing this email because I can hear Violet starting to wake up.


Here we go again...


P.S. I didn't proof-read this.  But you were never the best at proof-reading anyways, I'm sure you wouldn't even notice!

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Me Plus 3... Today!

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I'm just the usual...

So, I've been working on a new little hobby over the past several weeks...

I started a new "mommy blog."  I thought it would be fun to have a blog that revolves around the kids more, but still has my crappy widow stuff in it too.  :-P

While these emails to you are more for my venting and for feeling some connection to you, the other blog is more about documenting our new life.

I've been feeling self conscious about it for some reason though, so I haven't shared it with really anyone that we know.  I guess I feel silly, like, who do I think I am trying to write a cute little blog like the ones I see on Pinterest? :-P

But, I know that my emails to you have some loyal fans, so I decided to email you about my new mommy blog, in case they wanted to check it out, and maybe give me some feedback?  Even if it's bad!

I think my work terms something like this as a "soft launch."  Where only a few select people get to see the new product before it is officially on the market.  I decided that the "few select people" will be those who happen to read these emails without me posting them on FB!

So, here is the link to my mommy blog:

It's a work in progress, but I think it would be so fun to become a "real" blogger!  What do you think, does it have potential?

Ok, talk to you later!  Hearts!

Monday, May 19, 2014

Bowling Ball Head

Hey boo,

How's it going?

I forgot to tell you about Will's most recent hair cut.  I think it was his 3rd or 4th hair cut so far.  And I'm already pretty darn sick of getting it cut all the time!

Great Clips was having their $5.99 sale, so I took him during that to save some money.  Since I feel like his hair grows so fast, I had them cut it the shortest it's been yet.  I told them to just take the buzzer to his whole head!  They did a #5 all over... Seriously, I don't understand boy hair cuts yet.  Will I ever learn?

He has "bowling ball head" now!  Remember when you started getting the same length all over, and that's what I would call your head when you came home from the hair cut place?

Also, whoa!  He looks so much like you now.  Like, I can't put my finger on it about what it is that looks like you, but I just look at him, and I see you.  It breaks my heart but I like it, at the same time.  It's weird.

I wish you were here to give me advice on his hair.  Is it weird that I worry so much about it?  It's just something I'm so not familiar with...

Ok, that's it.  Just wanted to let you know that your son is carrying on your "bowling ball head" tradition. :-)


Not a Morning Person

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I'm like this: zzzZZZzzzZZZzzz...

Seriously, I am so not a morning person.

Do you remember when we used to carpool when we were both working in Zeeland?  You would ask me why I wasn't talking, and I'd be like "Because I'm still sleeping."

And you'd look at me, and give our little inside joke response "You sleep funny."

But for real, my body is up and moving and interacting with the physical world, but inside, I'm still sleeping.

So it sucks when I walk in to work first thing in the morning, and people try to talk to me.  Just the casual "how was your weekend?" is brutal!  It's even worse when they start coming at me with "work stuff".  C'mon, are you for real?

And it is downright  horrible when they come at me after I've been on vacation for a week.

Sssshhh!  Just SSSSHHH!

Let me sit at my computer, remember how to do my job, and then come talk to me in a hour.  Or 2.  Or maybe even 3.

Isn't it funny how I can type an email while I'm still sleeping? :-P

Ok, lovebuckets!

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Miscellaneous Stuff About the Kids

Hey boo,

How's it going?

Here is some miscellaneous stuff about the kids:

Some of the things the girls say just make me smile.

When I ask Charlotte a question (like, do you want pancakes or waffles for breakfast?), she thinks and says "Ummmm... Pancakes!"  It's just so funny that she says "Ummm..." while she's thinking.  Do I say that a lot?  Where did she learn it?

This is how Charlotte counts: "3, 7, 8, 3, 7, 8, 3, 7, 8..."  For example, we read A Perfect Home for Bunny, and I have her count how many ducks are on one of the pages, "3, 7, 8..." every time, without fail.  Sometimes I correct her, sometimes I just smile and say OK...

Violet has started calling me "Mom."  Really, just Mom already? I miss Momma or Mommy... But now it's always "I need my nose wipe, Mom!" "I took my pants off, Mom!" "I scared a bug, Mom!"

Violet has also started asking "Why?" for EVERYTHING.  Really, already with the Why's?...
Me: "We have to put our shoes on now."
Violet: "Why?"
Me: "Because we are going to play outside."
Violet: "Why?"
Me: "So you guys can run fast and jump."
Violet: "Why?"
Me: "So you can use up your energy."
Violet: "Why?"
Me: "Just because."
Violet: "Oh."
I think I need to just start out with the "Just because" answer right away... :-P

Will is so much smarter than I think he is.  Seriously, I underestimate him so much!  I just can't remember what the girls were like at his age.

He sees me put socks on the girls, and he'll go to the sock drawer to get socks.  Sometimes they are his socks, sometimes they are his sisters, but he gets them and puts them by his feet, like he's trying to put them on.

I can ask him to give me a hug, or a kiss, and he knows what to do.  I love his hugs and kisses so much!

I've started playing the Disney Pandora station, and if we are singing and dancing, he does this cute dance where he wiggles his butt and shakes his arms from side to side.  I need to get it on video, it is so cute and hilarious at the same time.

Anyways, I've been meaning to tell you these things, I just keep forgetting.

I miss you.  A lot.


Thursday, May 15, 2014

The Way You Read

Hey boo,

How's it going?

I have a ton of stuff to tell you, but I'm too lazy, and too scatterbrained to even put it into words.

So, here's just a little something I need to write down so I don't forget it.

I've started reading books to the kids for their bedtime routine again.  Right after you died, and for the next 8.5 months, I was having them watch a cartoon before bed to settle them down.  Parent of the year, I know.  But I just couldn't bring myself to do our usual bedtime routine.  And it was just easier plopping them in front of the TV, while I was giving Will his bedtime bottle.

But during one of the few times I got my head above water (because I'm basically drowning all the time), I decided that TV watching bedtime routine needed to stop, and I needed to start reading to them again.

And it's made our bedtime routine A LOT longer... and I know I should appreciate the time I am having with the kids, but by bedtime, I am about ready to pass out from a) hunger, b) exhaustion, and c) being crabby at the kids.

But anyways, moral of the story is, I'm reading to the kids again.

And as I'm reading the books, I remember the way you used to read certain lines from the books.  We have new books since you've died, but we also still have all the old ones.  So it just depends on what is in the line up to read each night.

Tonight I read at least a million books to the girls.  Will gets one book.  But my mom put him to bed, so I didn't even read to him tonight.

Anyways, I read There's a Wocket in My Pocket, and when I get to the part of "the Teller, and the Neller, and the Gellar... in the cellar" or whatever the words are, I think of how you used to read that part super fast, like Jimmy Johns freaky fast.

Also, that book in general makes me think of you, because we both used to have it memorized.  We would email each other lines from the book.  Email from me:  "Hey, we need to call somebody about the Nupboards in the cupboards, it's getting to be a problem."  Email from you: "We should probably get rid of the Zelf up on that shelf too then..."


I also read their little Toy Story book, and when I get to the dinosaur saying "Play! Real play! I can't wait!" I think of the dorky/silly/wacko voice you would use for that character.

I read them "No Nap for Tarzan", and every time I read the title, I think of you coming home from work, and me being crazy crabby because the girls didn't have a good nap that day.  And you'd look at them and say "Uh-oh, no nap for Tarzan?"

I read them the one about Nala and Simba doing the opposite, and it has the Spanish words on the bottom of the page.  So, I can hear you reading it in Spanish (which I never read), and I can hear you saying something about "pasa mal, and pasa bien."

Oh, I haven't read them this book in a long time because I don't know where it is (they might have broken it), but I sing "The Wheels on the Bus" when I'm changing Will's diaper to try and distract him from flipping/flopping and getting poop everywhere.  Anyways, when I sing about the wipers on the bus going "swish, swish, swish" I think of the "noise" you used to make for the "swish".  And I would be like, what the heck are you doing?  And you would tell me that's what wipers sound like.  And I would be like, but the words on the page say "swish"!  I know, we argued about some super cool and important stuff. :-P

Last one for now... so I've been reading Will "Mouse Paint" for the past few nights.  And I think of you because the girls always used to get sick of that book so fast, and close it after a few pages, and you were like "Ya know, I have no idea how this book ends, I've never gotten that far!"  And then when they finally let you read the whole thing, you were like "Really?  That's it?" :-P

Ok, well, I know I have a ton more memories like that, but these are the latest books we've been reading, so it's all I can remember for right now.

I miss you so much, and I still just can't believe you're gone...  This sucks...