Friday, February 28, 2014

Will Does NOT Like Lima Beans

Hey boo,

How's it going?

In case you were wondering, Will does NOT like lima beans.  :-P

Remember one time you bought a bag of frozen lima beans, and I was like, um, no way, we are NOT eating those.  And then I told you the story of when my mom made me try a lima bean (because you are supposed to try things in order to know you don't like them), and I ate it, and then I immediately threw up.  And I was like, "See, I told you I don't like lima beans!"

Anyways, you cooked half the bag anyways, and served them to the girls when they were younger, before Will was born.  And they immediately spit them out.  And you could hardly eat them too.

So the other half of the bag of lima beans has been in our freezer ever since...  I'm trying to use up the food that we have and go grocery shopping less, because seriously, we have a ton of food and we waste a lot of it.  So today, I thought to myself, I'm cooking lima beans for Will's lunch.

The look on his face was priceless!  Pretty much he opened his mouth big and wide and was sticking his tongue out and gagging trying to get the lima bean out of his mouth, and then gave me a look that was like "why did you do that to me, woman??!?!" :-)

So yeah, it's safe to say that nobody in our family likes lima beans! :-P  But at least I got rid of the package of lima beans, and I don't feel so bad that I just threw it away without even attempting to cook them.

Lima beans = gross!

Ok, lovebuckets!

Monday, February 24, 2014

Crazy Person

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I'm going absolutely ape-shit crazy.

Seriously, I am a hot. mess. of. crazy.

When people come up to me and say "Hi, how are you?"  obviously, my automatic response is "Fine, thanks.  And you?"

But sometimes, I am this close to saying "Absolutely fucking horrible."

I don't say that, because the other person doesn't deserve my snarky, no-good, cynical attitude...

Basically, I'm hanging on by the most minuscule thread ever.  My cracks are cracking.  And soon, I probably won't be able to hold in my honest response.

Seriously, I wish there was something I could go all "PC Load Letter" on.  The other day I chucked my pen at my computer screen at work.  Take that you stupid fucking computer!  Yeah, it didn't really help.

Anyways, I am so screwed up.  And it's getting harder to pretend that I'm not.

But despite all my crazyness, my therapist says that certain things and changes in me show "growth."  So, I guess "yay" for that...  But I don't even know what I'm supposed to be "growing" towards...

Shoot, that reminds me, I had a homework assignment.  I'm supposed to write down some of my goals, long-term, short-term, whatever.  Hmmm... For short term, how about to get through the next 60 seconds.  Long term, to get through the next 5 minutes.  Sounds good to me!  I don't think that's what she had in mind though, I'd probably fail that assignment...

Anyways, I miss the shit out of you.  Yeah, who cares if that doesn't make sense.

Hearts and farts.

The Little Things

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I'm my usual blah self...

So, one of the things that I'm always worried about is forgetting.  Forgetting how you look, how you smell, how your hands felt.  Forgetting the little idiosyncrasies that you had.  Forgetting all the memories we made together.  Forgetting what it was like on just a typical day of "us."

I keep telling myself I'm going to write it all down before I forget.  But when I have a few minutes to spare, I just can't think of anything to write!  It is so weird.

But as I go through the motions of the day, little things will remind me of you.  And I think "I need to write that down.  Remember to write that down tonight!"  But of course, I forget... I feel like I need one of those voice recorder things to say my thoughts when I'm not able to write them down... I'm sure I'd be super cool doing that! :-P

I try to include little bits of memories in relation to whatever I'm emailing you.  But those little bits are SO SMALL compared to EVERYTHING that I NEED to remember.

But I guess I have to start somewhere...

So, here's one of the stupid, insignificant, little things that just I don't want to forget:

Yesterday, the girls were suddenly interested in looking inside their sippy cups at their milk.  "I wan' see it!" is what they say...  So, I unscrew the lid off Charlotte's sippy cup, and show her.  Then of course Violet "wan' see it!" so I show her too.  Then Violet wants to see in her own sippy cup, so I have to show her and Charlotte that one too.

Then they want to see "Momma's milk", which is really my can of Diet Coke.

So, obviously there is no lid to take off of the can, it's just the little hole in the top that they can look in.

And that's when I remembered how you would open your can of pop.  You would only push the little tab thingy half-way down.  It would drive me nuts!  To me, it seemed like the can of pop was only half way open!  If for some reason I was taking a sip of your pop, I would push the tab all the way down, and that would annoy you!

Seriously.  It's just the little things...

Oh, and this reminds me of one more thing!  You LOVED "skinny" straws.  I think Wendy's had the best straws according to you.  You hated when they were too fat.  I don't remember why, but I do remember that.  I wish you were here so I could ask you "why?"

Oh, and today my cell phone rang while I was driving in my car.  Of course, who calls me in the middle of the day??!?!  And the first person I thought it might be was you.  And then I was like, oh.


When someone looks at their child and thinks "how is it possible to love someone SO MUCH?"  I now think, "how is it possible to MISS someone SO MUCH?"

I miss you.  A LOT.


Saturday, February 22, 2014

Feeling Judged...

Hey boo,

How's it going?

I'm feeling pretty darn blah.

I have about a million things that I need to do, and I have no motivation to even start.  I just want to sit and do nothing.  Maybe veg out and watch TV.  Like, actually watch TV.  Not just have it on in the background as I'm doing other stuff.  And not feel guilty about sitting there, watching TV, wasting time.

I'm hungry, and the fridge and pantry have plenty of food in them.  But of course, I want none of that.  What I want is for you to run out to China and pick up some crab rangoons for us... That would make this Saturday night perfect...

I've been staying away from my Facebook newsfeed this week, but do I pop on to check messages and stuff.  So, tonight, the thing at the top of my newsfeed is some article about "mommy" stuff... I know, I said before that I hate those articles, and I try not to read them because I know they are just going to upset me.  But I couldn't help but click on it...

That was a mistake.

This article was one of the MOST judgmental articles I've read yet!  It's articles like that that make people so self-conscious about they way they parent.  It's articles like that that make everyone try so hard to appear to be the "perfect" parent.

The author claims we are all on the "same team" so she is just letting us know about this stuff.  But really, if we were on the same team, I think we should just be giving each other a high-five for making it through another day.

I think reading that article is what has really gotten me down tonight, and put my anxiety through the roof.

I'm trying to settle down by telling myself that this woman doesn't know me.  She doesn't know my situation.  This article was not targeted at me.

But it just makes me wonder "is this what everyone out there is thinking?" This woman just happened to "say it out loud."???  So again, it's that feeling of always being judged.  Ugh, it's so annoying and frustrating.

Ya know what?  I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what I'm doing as I'm raising these kids.  Almost EVERY MINUTE of EVERY DAY is consumed with worry about if  I'm doing the "right" thing or not.  And adding on the thought that everyone else is judging what I'm doing just adds fuel to the fire.

I am FAR from perfect.  I am going to make A TON of mistakes.  Ya know what, most of the stuff I do is probably going to start out as a mistake, that I'm going to have to learn from.

If another parent on the "same team" sees that I am doing something "wrong", I would hope that instead of criticizing, they might instead think that the "wrong" thing might actually be "right" in our family.  It works for us.  And if I really am struggling (which I always am) and I am at my wits end, then I might decide to ask for that parent's opinion.  And then that other parent can provide "advice."  But it still might NOT work for us.

Anyways, I'm rambling and not forming complete thoughts.  But basically, as if I don't have enough to worry about, I am yet again reminded that I also need to worry about all that judgement out there.  I know I shouldn't think about it, but it is REALLY HARD not to!

So I guess for now it's just deep breaths, and counting to 10.  Trying to ground myself.  And "checking the facts."


I miss you so much.


Tuesday, February 18, 2014

I'm Kinda Over Facebook...

Hey boo,

How's it going?

I'm kinda feeling over Facebook... I know, shocking, right?!?!?  ME, the Facebook addict, is sick of it?!?!  Cuh-razy...

But seriously, I'm just scrolling through my newsfeed, and I'm just like, meh, who cares?  I know, I sound like the biggest hypocrite ever because how many times have I posted something that is "who cares" worthy? Too many to count.

My little Facebook "community" has been wonderful since you died.  So I feel bad dissing it, or giving up on it.  Because seriously, I'm friends with some really AMAZING people.

But I'm just tired of it.  Tired of reading complaints about things that now seem incredibly unimportant to me.  Again, totally hypocritical of me, because I've complained A LOT about little things, and I STILL know that I complain.  But maybe this "over it" attitude is because I'm at a point where I've got enough stress and crazyness going on in my own life, that I just can't handle adding other people's stresses to my thoughts.  Who knows?

I'm also tired of being jealous of seeing happy faces.  Seeing families go out and do all these fun things.  Seeing couples go on dates.  Seeing daddies with their children.  It just makes me think "I remember what 'happy' feels like... maybe..." I know I was happy once, but it's all just a memory now...

Plus, it's obviously a big time-waster.  "Ain't nobody got time for that."   Maybe by cutting down on FB, I'll start sleeping more, because I'll be able to get everything done sooner... Who knows?

But I still need to use it as a way to keep in touch with people...

And I use it so I don't feel like I'm talking to myself all of the time...

So I guess I'll still post stuff...  And if people are like 'meh, who cares?' then they can just scroll on by it, or unfriend me, or boycott me, or hide my stuff, or whatever.  I know the people who do care will take notice.  And of course I need to post pics of the kiddos for your parents and the rest of the family!

Anyways, that's just the way I'm feeling right now.  I guess the moral of the story is that I'm probably not going to be following my newsfeed as much, but still posting my thoughts/comments/pics when I feel like.

I'm sure I'll be back on FB as much as ever again soon!  This is probably just a weird phase... Maybe they should update the "stages of grief" (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, or something like that...) to include "withdrawal from social media."  Ha, I'm hilarious.

But of course, I still love Pinterest! :-)

Missing you always.


Chili Cook-off

Hey boo,

How's it going?

I feel like all my emails are super depressing lately.  So let me change it up a bit and just talk about some random stuff from my day...

My department had a Chili Cook-off today during lunch.  I think 9 people brought in different chili's, and there were 3 judges who had to try every single one.  The rest of us could just pick and choose which to eat, although a lot of people also tried every single one.  I only tried 5.  :-)

So yeah, it was something different.  I really liked the chicken chili's the best.  There were also some sides and toppings to go along with it.  The cornbread was AH-MAY-ZING!  Yum yum yum, delicioso! :-)  You know how I love my carbs!

Anyways, that's about it.


Thursday, February 13, 2014


Hey boo,

How's it going?

So, last week on the way to the girls' gymnastics class, I pulled up to a stoplight next to a Maserati.

Obviously, in the spirit of you, I was scoping it out.  Because in the past, if I came home and was like "Babe, I saw a Maserati on the road today", you would have proceeded to ask me a bunch of questions about it to determine what type of Maserati it was.  Then you would have Googled it and showed me pictures, until I was like, "Yeah, it was one like that."

Well, I obviously knew that just because of the brand, the car probably cost something like 4 years worth of my salary.  And of course, it looked shiny and nice.  But I was trying to figure out if YOU would think it was cool.

Just this past June, I was secretly trying to rent a "cool" car for you to drive for your 30th birthday.  And I wasn't having much success getting the obvious cars that I was 100% sure you thought were cool.  So, I was trying to be sly to see if I could go after a different type...

We were driving around one day and saw some car that had a "throaty" sounding engine, and I asked you if it was cool.  You said "It was OK..."  which surprised me, because I thought it looked like a nice car and that you would FOR SURE think it was cool based on how it sounded!

So, I just asked "What makes a car cool?"
And you said "Stance."
And I said "What?!?!  What the heck does that mean???"
And you were like, "You know... Staaannnnccce..."
And I was like, "K, thanks for clearing that up for me!" :-P
So you said "It has to look like it's about to pounce!"
Me:  "Um, it's a car, not our cat."
You:  "It has to look like it's going FAST even when it's STANDING STILL!"
Me:  "Ooohhhhh!  Ok, like 'Slow down, this is a neighborhood!'" (I was referencing this commercial:

You:  "Exactly."

So anyways, back to this Maserati...  It was already at the stoplight as I was approaching and pulled up next to it.  As I said, I was busy scoping it out to see if it was a "Chaz cool" car.  And then of course I made eye contact with the driver.  Eeek!  Before I could look away, I felt like the guy was like "Sup, yeah, I'm in a car that is the price of your house.  How do you like them apples?"  And obviously I thought, "Oh man, this guy wants me to race him!!!! Should I rev my engine!?!??"  Yes, I was driving the minivan.  And yes, I was only joking to myself.  I'm hilarious like that.

I think that your response to eye contact with the driver would have been a "Sup" head nod that guys do.  But what do I know...?

So anyways, the light turned green, and in my head, I could picture you saying something like "Get it, dude!  Drop the hammer!"

He did not "get it"  and there was no "hammer dropping."  We were on 32nd.  The speed limit is 35 mph.  But I guesstimate he was doing upwards of about 41 mph!  Risque! :-P

Anyways, the moral of the story is, there are about 472,578,963,102,854 things each day that remind me of, and make me think of you.  One of those being:  cars.  And I will always remember that "stance" determines the coolness of a car.

I miss you.


P.S.  I had to do some Googling about this car, and did you know that the shoe Fiat dealership is also a Maserati dealership??? That's probably why that car was cruising around our neck of the woods...

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Half of a Year

Hey Boo,

How's it going?

So, yeah.  It's been 6 months.  Half of a year.  Blah.

It's weird because it seems like it gone by so fast, and yet so slow, all at the same time.  I hardly have any sense of time anymore...

I miss you.  Always.  I think about you.  Always.

I seriously CANNOT believe that you are gone.  It's been 6 months, and it still hasn't really sunk in.  Will it ever?

In case you were wondering, your bathroom still smells like you...  Not it a gross way! :-)  It smells like you after a shower.  Like your soap.  And your cologne.  I pretty much haven't done anything to your bathroom, except brush my teeth in it, and grab towels.  Otherwise, it is still the way you left it.  6 months ago.  Your glasses are on the counter, with your contact case.  Your toothbrush is by the sink.  Your razor is in the shower.  I just don't think I will ever be able to move, or change, or do anything to that bathroom.

Half of a year.  How is this even possible?!?!

I love you times a million.


Tuesday, February 4, 2014


Hi boo,

How's it going?  I'm just meh...

The kids have officially transitioned to their next rooms at school.  The girls are now in Green Room and Will is in the Wobbler room.  I feel like the girls were JUST in the Wobbler room, so it's so weird.  They were transitioning right when Will was born.  So it has been almost 10 months, but still...

They are just growing up WAY too fast.  I can't even stand it!

The girls are Talky-McTalkersons...  Seriously, like full sentences.  They continue to impress me every day!

And Will thinks he is such a big boy.  He pulls up on everything and "jigga jigga jings." :-)  He likes to scootch scootch on the red/blue "car" too.  It is so cute.

Anyways, I don't have anything exciting to say.  I'm just missing you tons, as usual...


Saturday, February 1, 2014

Your Face vs. Mine

Hey boo,

How's it going?

So, lately I think I've discovered that I know your face better than my own.

Like, I can picture you clear as day in my head.  And I look at pictures and videos of you, and I'm just like, how the frick is it even possible that you are gone?!?!  That I'm never going to see you walk through the door again?!?!?  I can't even wrap my head around the idea.  I can still SEE where you should be in the house, the places you would sit, where you would come in after work and I would be sitting on the couch nursing Will while the girls played in the living room.  It's just so weird.  Is this real life?!?!

And then I look in the mirror, and I don't even recognize myself.  I look at the person and I think, is that really me?!?!  Is that what I look like?  I don't remember looking like this... Seriously, weird.  I just can't even explain it.

The moral of the story is, I miss you.  You should still be here.  This sucks.


Violet Pooped Today

Hey boo,

How's it going?

I'm pretty proud of Violet.  This is the 3rd day in a row that she has pooped!  That's a big deal for her!  Lately it's been that she poops once ever 3 or 4 days!

I've been cutting down how much dairy she has (and Charlotte too), and increasing how much water they drink.  I've also cut out bananas, and started giving them more berries instead.

I hope it's working!

Anyways, that's the big new around these here parts... I know, exciting right?