Wednesday, April 30, 2014

I Want to Tell You...

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I'm just one big, blah, ballface...

It's just another evening where I don't feel like doing any of the stuff that needs to get done.  But I really need to do it, because I skipped it all yesterday.

Blah, responsibilities...

I want to write to you all the time, but I feel like I can hardly form the right words anymore.  I have so much I want to tell you, but it's all just a clusterfuck in my head.

I want to tell you about the kids.  They are growing up WAY too fast.  Like, for real. Mach speed.

I look at them, and I think, these are DIFFERENT kids than the ones that you knew.  They have changed SO much.

The girls hair is longer and getting darker.  They are speaking in sentences now.  When you were hear, they were only saying a handful of words, like "oooos,"  "ma-ma," "da-da," and Violet had just started saying "doc-terrr."

Now it's "Momma, lay down on the ground."  They want me to lay on the ground in their room before they go to sleep now, so of course, I do it.  But I bring my tablet in with me and browse Pinterest while they are "falling asleep."  Although, they never fall asleep when I'm in there, so I usually leave after 10 minutes, and then they cry for 5 minutes.  Hopefully I'll be able to break them of that habit soon.

Or Violet says "My pants too tight!"  Ha... I have no idea why she says that, because her pants are falling off her buns because they are so loose.

Also in Violet's vocabulary "I want suntin else..."  Translation: I want something else...  As in, she doesn't like whatever food I put in front of her.  It's only slightly frustrating to have them start crying as soon as I put their dinner in front of them.  (sarcasm)

Violet is really the talker, because all the phrases that are coming to my head are from her:

"I see school bus one time o'clock."  (Ha, I laughed when she started adding the o'clock to that, I have no idea where she got that.  She's really telling me "I saw a school bus one time!")

"Motorcycle scare me, Momma."  "Dog scare me one time o'clock."  "Bug scare me on the deck." "Big truck scare me."  "Noise scare me."  (Are you seeing a pattern here?  Violet is scared of lots of things, except jumping off the couch, which instead scares me!)

 Charlotte isn't as talkative at home, although she does have just as big of a vocabulary as Violet, but she is definitely more social around other people.  When we drop off at daycare, she just walks right in and starts playing with the other kids.  Violet hangs back and clings to me and doesn't want me to leave.  It's the same at gymnastics, or the time we went on an Easter Egg Hunt.  Charlotte is our social butterfly...

Oh, and Charlotte sings!  "I singin' Momma!  La la la lahala..."  It's cute.  Her and Violet also sing along when I read the book "Rock a bye baby"  and "Twinkle twinkle little star" and "Baa baa black sheep."

And Will, oh Will... His haircut has definitely made him a different person.  I look at pictures of him with his curly fro hair, and I just miss it so much.  Now he's a little man.  And he's "toddling", so taking like 5-7 steps before he falls down to crawl.  He can just stand up in the middle of the room now, he doesn't need to pull up on furniture.  I just want to be like "Stop it! Just be a baby for a little while longer..."  Ugh...

And Will is "communicating" now too.  He can do the "more" and "all done" baby sign.  Probably a bunch of others that I don't even know about.  He points to what he wants.  He knows where the snacks are kept (he points to the pantry because he wants crackers or something).

Who does he think he is, all growing up and whatnot?!?!  I'm pretty sure I'm the only person who is depressed that their kid is walking...

Oh, and I forgot to tell you... On Sunday, the girls wanted to look at the "Daddy Book", which is a photo book that one of our friends made for us.  It's paper pages, so I keep it up on the mantle so the girls can only look at it with grown-up supervision, so they don't ruin it.  Anyways, they get so excited to see you! "Daddy!!!"  and they point and laugh at the pictures.  "Daddy silly"  for one where you are sticking your tongue out.  "Daddy have-uh purse!"  for one where you are holding my pink purse. :-)  (Charlotte adds a little "uh" sound to some of her words.  I think it's cute.  "I have-uh more" is something she often says because she just loves to eat! :-))

Anyways, there is one where you are flipping off the star at the top of the Christmas tree because it won't stay on.  Obviously they don't understand the flipping off part yet, but they were like "Daddy tree!"  And then Violet said "I want to be with Daddy in there" as she points to the picture.  And I couldn't really say anything.  And then she says "I want to be with Daddy right now!"  And I was just like !!!!!  Seriously, I can't even explain the noise I made, it was like a gasp/sigh/croak/whatever... And I just started crying.  They kids are pretty un-phased by me crying now, so she just looks at me, and points to the picture again, and says "Right now!"  And finally I just said, "I know sweetie, I want to be with Daddy right now too."

Hey, have I mentioned how much this sucks?

Oh, I also want to tell you about the neighborhood.  You wouldn't even recognize it!  There are SO MANY new houses.  Seriously, sometimes I'm driving, and I'm like, "Whoa, was there always a house there?!?!"

I occasionally go the "back way" into the neighborhood.  That is something I never did, you always did it.  But now I have to do it, just to see what's going on over there.

I want to tell you about all that's going on with me.  What I'm doing.  What I'm not doing.  What I've talked about with other people.  What I ate for lunch today!!!

I want to tell you EVERYTHING.

I hate this.

It's not fair.


K, I'm done for today.  I really need to clean up the kitchen.

I miss you out of control amounts.  Hearts!

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Bottoms Up

Hey boo,

How's it going?

Spring is springing here.  Yay... I'm glad that warmer weather is coming and I won't need to worry about getting hats/mittens/coats on the kids, but it also makes me blah.  As usual, I think "Now I'm depressed!" :-P

There are about 2,934,757,349 things that rip my heart to shreds each day.  And the nicer days is one of them (or is it "are one of them"... meh, grammer police...).

This was your favorite time of year.

I remember when we were living in Arbor Heights, and you would see the kids out on the soccer fields on Saturday mornings (if we were awake early enough... ahhhh, the pre-kid days...), and you would say that it "warmed your heart" to see it.  And ever since then, anything that was slightly mushy/sentimental/put us in a good mood, we would always say it "warmed our hearts."  It became one of our many catch phrases in the Chaz/Sarah language...

Speaking of getting up early... Once we started acting somewhat like adults, and of course since having kids, you really enjoyed being up early on those nice, sunny, spring days.  Well, maybe I should phrase that differently... At least, once you were up you enjoyed it... The whole waking up and getting out of bed part still sucked.  But after jumping that hurdle, you were all good.

[Side note: One of the girls said she was "all good" the other day.  I couldn't help but snort.  Oh, the things they are picking up from me, I really need to watch it.  This morning I was changing Violet's diaper, and she reached down to her diaper area, and was like "My bootie."  And I was like, "Your bootie?  What about your bootie?"  And she just says "Yeah" because sometimes that's how they answer when they don't know what to say.  And so I asked her "Is your bootie bootie bootie bootie rockin' everywhere?"  And again, she just says "Yeah."  So, she's probably going to start telling people that her bootie is rockin' everywhere... Mom of the Year, right here... :-P]

Anyways... You said waking up early on those sunny, spring days made you feel motivated, and you felt like you accomplished something.  And I would look at you like you were crazy, because I could sleep all day, and I'd be like, you know what I accomplished?  Sleeping. Check!

Sometimes, we were such opposites... :-P (Just another catch phrase of ours...)

The temperature around this time was "perfect" for you, around 55-65 degrees.  It was still cold in my opinion, but you loved it.  Probably because you'd get hot easy... You'd roll down your windows, crank the radio, and have your sleeve rolled up as you drive.  Your "driving arm" would start getting tan again. :-)  And I would be like, burr, roll those windows up!

And speaking of cranking the radio, there is a song out there that totally reminds me of you, and I am absolutely positive this is one you would turn up and sing along to.

First, it reminds me of you because it's a country song.  Second, it makes me think of you, because it almost sounds like a rap song to me.  So, it reminds me of one of the awesome games we would play, where we would turn a country song into a rap song, and vice versa...

For the country songs, we'd throw in some "uuuhhhs" and "yeahs" and those grunty-type noises... Maybe some M-Fing swear words, maybe some inappropriate slang terms. We'd end words in an "ah" sound instead of an "er" sound, like "Thrilla" or something... And that Honky Tonk Ba Donkadonk would totally turn into a rap song!

And the rap songs, we'd take out swear words and use words like "gosh darrrrn" and of course stress the "rrrr" sound in everthing, like "gangsterrrr"... Maybe somehow replace the subject of our whip rollin' on Pirellis, to talking about our pick-up truck on Good Yearrrrs...

So anyways... The words in this song seem like they could easily translate into a rap song.  So maybe that's why the song appeals to me a little... Because you know how I am straight up gangsterrr thug... :-P

Yeah, the song is Bottoms Up by Brantley Gilbert.  And it always makes me think of you.  And I crank it up every time it's on, just for you (I haven't rolled the windows down yet though. :-P).  And I can pretty much HEAR you singing it.  There is one part in it where I know you would definitely sing it/put emphasis on it (something about "throwing it on down..."), kind of like how you would always say "...great white shark on shark week, UH!" (although, I just looked it up, and apparently the "uh" is actually the word "raw"... :-P).

Here's the video (I haven't watched it yet, so I have no idea if it's inappropriate or not, I just wanted you to hear the song):

So yeah, Bottoms Up!

You're probably wondering how I even heard this song, considering I'm not that big into country music... Oddly enough, out of the 12 pre-sets in my car radio, 4 of them are country stations!  So, one day I was flipping through the stations, which I do constantly because I hate commercials and morning talk, and I happened to stop and hear this song.

And I'm glad I did.

Pretty much all songs remind me of you.  You would use Jukebox Therapy on me, long before you were gone.  Typically whenever we were getting ready to go anywhere, I would be stressing out because we'd be running late, and a million things needed to coordinate in order for us to get out of the house.  You would say that I was being "pissy."  And you knew that to change my pissy mood, as soon as we got in the car and were driving away, you would scan the stations until you found a song that you knew would change my mood.

I loved how well you just "knew" me.  We were like "this." (I hope you can see me crossing my fingers.)

Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that I think about you constantly... Although, I hope you would already just know that...  I'll try to let the nice weather "warm my heart"...


Monday, April 21, 2014

Support Network

Hey boo,

How's it going?

So, I would just love to talk to you right now.  Or at least be able to REALLY email you, and have you actually respond...

My therapist tells me I need to build my "support network" for times like this.  I need people to just talk to, it doesn't have to be about sad, depressing, grief-ey type stuff.  Just regular, old, daily crap...  Basically, I need a bunch of different people to replace you.

I need a bunch of people who I can reach out to, so that I'm not always relying on the same person.  That is supposed to help me feel like less of a burden.  But either way, no matter who I talk to, I will feel like a burden.  And I will feel strange, and worry that the other person will be like, why is she talking about this?  Or, this is boring?  Or who knows what else...

And I don't want the other person to feel like they need to "respond" in some way.  Like, they need to give me advice.  Or relate to me somehow...

I don't know, there is just really nobody who can replace just talking to you.

Right now, I really want to talk about something that is giving me crazy anxiety because I'm super self-conscious about what happened.  Basically, I'm feeling like a big idiot.  If I were to tell you, you would just understand, because you KNOW me the best.  You would know the perfect way to respond, whether it just be saying "Oh." or giving some sarcastic remark, or just telling me not to worry/stress about it in your own unique way that would give me comfort...

I've thought of a few different people who I might be able to tell about what's giving me anxiety... But I don't want to put them in an awkward position of feeling like they need to respond.  Even though I'm pretty sure I do need to hear something, I don't know what, but something that will help ease my anxiety...

Basically, I don't feel like there is anyone I can actually "be myself" with.  There is nobody I can tell the story to, in the exact way I would tell you.  I would leave parts out, or phrase it in a not-so-airhead-ey way...


I miss you.


Monday, April 14, 2014

Our Kids Basically Have the Same Name...

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I'm exhausted.

It's weird, because I always feel like, "how can it get any worse?"  But then it feels like it DOES get worse...

Anyways, I'm too tired to even talk about all my crazy drama.  I just wanted to quick write down a little story before I forget... which I actually have been forgetting for the past couple weeks, but it just popped into my mind and I thought, "I need to write that down!"

It's totally dorky, but I had my first experience with confusion over the fact that we have a child named Charlotte and one named Charles.  Ugh... You know I was worried about that...

They both got prescribed antibiotics from the doctor, but different antibiotics.  I dropped off the prescriptions at the pharmacy, and they ask for Will's (Charles') birth date, and I give that to them, and then they look at the other prescription and they are like "Wait, you want to have both of these filled?"

And I was like, "Yeah, they are for 2 different kids."

And they are like, "Oh... I didn't notice that.  Ok, what's Charlotte's birth date as well?"

Gah, we are so dorky with having kids named basically the same thing... It's like we should have named all our kids George Foreman... :-P

Anyways, that's it.  I'm really, really missing you...


Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Today is Will's Birthday...

Hey boo,

How's it going?

So, it's Will's birthday today...


I just have no words for this day.

People keep telling me it's bitter-sweet... Let's just add that to the list of words I don't like, along with grief and widow...

It just doesn't do this feeling justice.

And I'm pretty sure if anything, I'm feeling way more bitter than I am feeling sweet... Which makes me feel even MORE bitter, because I can hardly enjoy or cherish our son's first birthday.  It's a snowball effect or something like that...

I tried to do some extra special things for Will, considering his crappy first year.  I don't know, for some reason I thought that might make up for it a little... He missed out on so much, maybe tacking on these few extra details that the girls didn't get would even things out... Yeah, it didn't really work like that...

But they did help distract me from the actual feelings of this approaching day.  And I am glad I have those things, because even if they don't mean much to him, they mean a whole lot to me.

Well, now the day is here, and let me tell you, it sucks.

I cried during breakfast when we sang him "Happy Birthday."

I was able to make it to the car after dropping him off at daycare before I lost it.

And I've pretty much been crying off and on the rest of the day.

It's. Just. Not. Fair.

You should be here for this.  It's not even like Will would remember, but WE would remember.  It would always be special to US.  First birthdays are more about the parents than the child anyways, right?

First birthdays are an emotional thing on their own.  But adding on that you're not here... Oh man, I can't even describe what it does to me.


I miss you like crazy... Hearts.

Will's Birth Story

Hey boo,

How's it going?

Our baby is ONE YEAR OLD today!  He's such a big little man!

Anyways, I've been meaning to do this for the past year, but here is Will's birth story.  Some of it I wrote when you were still here, and some of it is I wrote recently.  The end gets rushed because I can't remember a lot of it, and you aren't here to fill in the gaps... And the pictures from this whole event are on my other computer that is ridiculously slow, and I don't feel like uploading them... So yeah, here is the novel of our son's birth...  


If you know me personally, during my pregnancy you probably heard me say that I had my heart set on a VBAC for my second pregnancy.  My experience with a c-section with the twins was HORRIBLE, so I was adamant about having a VBAC.  Every time I went to the OB for a check-up, I would remind her what I was planning.  However, she did set some limits for which a VBAC would not be possible.  

These included: 

·        *If I needed to be induced.  In other words, bringing on contractions where there were none.  Although, I would be able to use Pitocin if it was needed to keep labor moving that was already in progress.

·     * If I was over-due.  She made me schedule a “just in case” C-section for 1 week after my due date, which I was not very happy about.

·       * If the baby was breech.

These restrictions really freaked me out.  There wasn’t really much I could do to control any of this!  

Fortunately, at every appointment, my doctor reassured me that the baby was head down.  And the baby and I weren’t having any health complications that might make the doctor decide I needed to have him early.  They were keeping a close eye on my blood pressure because of my experience with the twins, but it remained under control.  So that helped ease my mind… a little…

But there was still the looming fact of if I went over my due date… Every day that ticked by brought me closer to that “just in case” C-section...  Plus, the doctor kept estimating that the baby was a “big boy.”  And that meant the longer he cooked, the bigger he got, and the more likely that might cause a problem during delivery and I’d end up with the dreaded C-section.  So, as soon as I hit 37 weeks, I was Googling and trying every Old Wives Tale there was to help naturally induce labor...

On this particular Sunday, I was feeling pretty bummed that another weekend had gone by and I hadn't gone into labor.  We spent the day doing some Old Wives Tales to try and induce labor, which included: walking the mall and Costco, driving down a bumpy, dirt road, and swinging on swings at the park. :-) My due date was in 2 days!   Needless to say, I was getting pretty desperate…

So that afternoon, I decided to try the method that I had adamantly proclaimed I would NOT EVER do, no matter how desperate. Ha! Apparently I was suddenly desperate enough!  

Castor Oil… EEeek!  

I rushed on over to Meijer to pick it up.  When I got home, I wanted to take it immediately.  I had read online that people mixed it with orange juice to help it go down better.  We didn't have any orange juice, so I figured I could mix it with Diet Coke.  They are basically the same, right?  J

Newsflash:  Castor oil does NOT mix with Diet Coke.  I don’t think it mixes with anything.  It is seriously just GOOP!  It would float on top of the liquid, and when I tried to drink it, the substance would float to the other side of the cup!  Just thinking about it right now makes me want to puke!

Since I couldn't drink it mixed with Diet Coke, I decided to pour a teeny tiny bit into a spoon and take it like medicine, and chase it with Diet Coke. 

OH. MY. WORD.  The stuff is so NASTY.  I could hardly swallow it.  So, after 2 attempts with about a half spoonful, I decided that would be enough.

We went along with our typical evening routine, but I still wasn't feeling anything!  I expected to at least have to make some trips to the bathroom based on what I read online.  So, before we put the girls to bed, I took another spoonful with my Diet Coke chaser.

After we put the girls to bed, we are usually awake for another few hours getting stuff done around the house, checking Facebook/emails, or working.  That night, I decided to pack a bag for the hospital.  Yes, I was 40 weeks pregnant, and still didn't have a bag packed… That’s just how I roll.  

During that time, still NOTHING was happening.  I was SO depressed.  I had been SO SURE that I was going to go into labor that weekend.  I was absolutely dreading going in to work the next morning.  I thought it would feel like the “walk of shame” when I went to my desk.  And of course, I’d continue to hear the “You’re still here?” comments that some co-workers thought were so amusing.  So, I glumly got my things ready for work the next day and went to bed around 11pm on Sunday night…

I woke up around 1:30am feeling a little “weird.”  I stayed in bed a while, trying to figure out if these were Braxton-Hicks contractions.  I had been having Braxton-Hicks for months, so I don’t know why I thought these were the same thing.  They didn't really feel like them at all.  After about an hour, I thought to myself, “Uh-oh, maybe this is the Castor Oil kicking in…  Great, I am going to get no sleep tonight…”

I had to pee anyways, so I finally got up and went to the bathroom.  Nothing too crazy happened, it still really wasn't like what I’d read about online from others who had tried the Castor Oil method.  So I just wasn't sure what was going on.

I got back in bed for about another 10-15 minutes, still feeling kind of yucky.  I was trying to see if the “yucky” feeling came in waves at certain intervals, but it was really hard to tell.  Then I thought, well if this is “it”, I had read that you should walk around and keep moving to progress things along.  So I got back up, went downstairs, and got a drink of water.

I stood in the middle of the living room drinking my water, still trying to figure out what I was feeling.  I decided to go to my good old standby for high-quality information:  Google.  :-P So I sat on a stool at our kitchen island and began to Google things like:  “Do Castor Oil cramps feel like contractions”, “what do contractions feel like”, “how long does it take for Castor Oil to take affect”, “Am I in labor,” etc…
Yeah, that was pretty much no help at all.

After about an hour of sitting there Googling like a maniac and reading all sorts of crazy anecdotes about Castor Oil and labor… SPLOOOOSH!!!!

Holy crap, did I just pee my pants?!?!

Honestly, there is no way to explain what this burst of fluid was like.  I guess it’s like a giant water-balloon exploding, or maybe a bucket of water being dumped out.  It was seriously out of nowhere.  And it was a lot!  Seriously.  A. LOT.  One minute, I’m just sitting there, and the next minute, I’m soaked and a puddle is underneath me. 

Fortunately it was only about 4 feet to the bathroom from where I was sitting!  I hurried/waddled to the bathroom, and it was just everywhere.  Despite the fact that it was as if a gigantic water balloon just popped in my lap, I still sat there wondering if I had just peed my pants… Maybe the Castor Oil makes you lose control of your bladder or something, so there is absolutely no warning that you are about to go… Honestly, I was so clueless!

Well, first things first, I went upstairs to change my clothes.  Chaz was still just snoring away.  By this time, it was 4 in the morning…

Then, I cleaned up the puddles that stretched from the kitchen into the bathroom…

And then I went back to Googling…

Now I was Googling things like:  “Does Castor Oil cause you to pee your pants”, “What is it like when your water breaks?”, “How do you know if your water broke”, etc.

As I’m sitting there, my “yucky” feeling that I had been having before is definitely a lot stronger/painful, to the point that I have to stop what I’m doing and just clench my fists until it is over. And I can tell that it is coming at a certain time interval.  Google told me that I should lay down for about 30 minutes, and if there was another “sploosh” when I stood back up, then my water probably broke…

Well, I figured I needed to start timing these possible contractions, so I lay in bed with my Kindle Fire, to continue to Google as I lay there, while I had a stopwatch app running to time them.

My Kindle screen is bright, and since I was moving around a little, it finally woke Chaz up.  He asked me “What the heck are you doing?”  I told him, “I think my water broke…”  He says “You think…?”  And I say, “Yeah, I’m not sure yet.”  And he rolls over and says, “Ok, well let me know when you’re sure.” And goes back to snoring… :-P

As I lay there, timing was very unsuccessful.  The time between contractions varied from 2 minutes to 5 minutes, and the length of contractions varied from 30 seconds to 1 minute.  But they were definitely painful and I was having to breathe through them, so after 20 minutes, I woke up Chaz and said “I think you need to get up and get ready.”

He said, “Are you for real?”  And I said “Yeah…” because despite everything I still wasn't 100% positive I was in labor!!!

So he got up to pack a bag (yeah, we procrasitinate) and take a shower.  As he was walking in to the bathroom, I said “Sorry if this is a false alarm…”  And he just turned around and gave me an annoyed look. J

Once Chaz was ready, I decided we could wait until 6am so we could get the girls up and just bring them to daycare on our way to the hospital.  We had about another half hour, so Chaz brought his laptop into the bed and started watching American Pickers on Hulu.  

I just sat there, contracting away!  They were WAY more painful now, and could no longer be classified as just “yucky”, I don’t even think there could be a term describe the feeling… :-P Well, I only lasted until about 5:50am before I was like, F this BS, we need to get going NOW.

Chaz had the nerve tell me that he had 8 more minutes left in his show, so we could get the girls up when it was done.  Really?!?!  I’m sure he got a super happy look from me. :-P  

Well, I waited about 3 more minutes until I was told him that we SERIOUSLY needed to get up and get going.

We got the girls up, and I had to keep taking breaks to lean up against the counter, kind of like I was pushing it, to make it through a contraction.  Then I had another gush of water, so I had to change my clothes again!  Basically, I wasn't much help with the girls that morning!

We finally get in the van and are on our way.  Chaz took the girls into daycare while I sat in the van.  I think I only had 1 contraction while I was sitting there, so hopefully I didn't look too weird to people walking by!

As soon as we pulled out of the parking lot, I put in my good ol' Justin Timberlake CD and cranked up Mirrors because I was really into that song at the time. :-)  Chaz just gave me a look and said "Really?" And I just said, "Yup."  I've read that some people have "labor playlists" set up, and since I'm not the most organized person, that was the best I could do!  So now EVERY TIME I hear the song Mirrors, I think about that morning on the way to the hospital.

As we are driving to the hospital, I thought “Wow, I should have brought some towels.”  It’s funny, because for both my pregnancies, whenever somebody at work would tease me about my water breaking, I’d always laugh and say it doesn't happen like in the movies or on TV.  People’s water doesn't just break like that.  Um, apparently, it does.  And then it just doesn't stop…

Anyways, we get to the hospital and they put me in the triage area to get checked out.  And they finally answered the questions that Google couldn't!  I WAS in labor, my water DID break, and I was already dilated to a 5!  Woohoo!  Here we go!!!!

I was admitted right away.  By this time, I am starving!  I hadn't eaten since the night before.  I asked if I could eat something, and the nurse said I could have a popsicle… Um, I guess that’s better than nothing... 

I was just doing the whole labor thing, and Chaz was just hanging out, I think maybe he was on his laptop, I can’t even remember.  I just know that he kept trying to ask me what the contractions felt like, if they were really that bad, and laughing at me while I was cussing up a storm.  Yeah, it really did help me to just breathe out a string of profanities during each contraction.  I finally had to tell him to “just stop talking to me.” I’m pretty sure he could have been telling me he loved me, and I would have found it to be the most annoying thing ever! J

Well, I made it to an 8 pretty quickly, but they told me they were going to give me Pitocin to strengthen my contractions.  My contractions were productive, but not strong enough to push the baby out.  

Wait, what?  You’re telling me those were WEAK contractions?!?!  

Well, the mention of Pitocin and stronger contractions scared me big time, and I started thinking about the epidural.  After about an hour of Pitocin, I completely chickened out, and told them I was ready for it. 

It’s funny, because people talk about “labor amnesia” where you forget the pain once you are holding your baby.  While we were waiting for the anesthesiologist I would have “labor amnesia” just between contractions!  I’d have a contraction and think, "OK, I need the epidural NOW."  And then when it passed, I was like “Ya know… I don’t think they are that bad... Maybe I don’t need it…” And then another contraction would come, and I be like “Yeah, I made the right choice. Epidural. Epidural. Epidural!”

And wow, the epidural was wonderful.  I was able to talk and be nice to Chaz again! J  But it also really sucked because then I was stuck in the bed for the rest of the day… Boring… And I felt like I could no longer do anything to help keep labor progressing.  I was still worried that I could still end up getting a C-section if things didn't keep moving…

So then, because I had “labor amnesia” again, I totally regretted getting the epidural.  I could have totally gone on without it… :-)  (Really, I probably couldn't have, I know I shouldn't regret it, but I still do.  I guess I’ll never know if I could have made it through without it). 

So, I asked the nurse if I could just let my epidural wear off so that I could get up and walk around… And she was like “um… no… once it wears off, it’s hard to bring it back up again…” 

Blah, OK, fine.  Well, I wasn't making as good of progress as I had in the morning.  The baby was still very high, and my dilating & effacing had slowed way down.  

Then, during my contractions (that I couldn't feel at this time), they didn't like what the baby’s heart rate was doing.  And they couldn't track it well enough with just the monitors on my belly.  They needed to do the thing where they stick a wire up in there and attach it to the baby’s head…

Well, it was a “learning doctor” (I’m not sure what kind, but obviously it was an inexperienced doctor, because she had another doctor there instructing her on how to do things) that came in to do that little procedure.  It took her forever!  She couldn't get the thing on his head or something… I totally understand about the learning thing, they gotta do it somehow, but at the time, I was just like, um, that’s my baby’s head you’re poking, and is your whole arm inside me or what?  And now is the training doctor's arm in me too?  :-P Obviously I didn't say that, but Chaz and I talked about it after they left! J

Well, since I couldn't get out of the bed, the nurse said I could do “bed aerobics” or something like that.  Basically, she put me in all sorts of crazy positions to try and get the baby to drop.  My legs were all up in the air sideways and whatnot.  I’m sure it was super pretty. :-P 

As time was passing, I started to feel my contractions again… I asked the nurse about it, and she asked me if I was pushing my button?  And I was like “what button?”  They had never given it to me!  Well, we pushed it, and she said it might take a few minutes to kick in… But it still wasn't working.  I kept pushing it, but nothing was happening, and I was definitely having to breathe through my contractions again.  The nurse brought somebody in to look at the little epidural machine thing, and apparently my button wasn't hooked up!  So, first they never gave me the button, and then when I got it, it wasn't even hooked up! 

Well, I guess that was what I got for regretting my epidural choice.  They were finally able to get everything hooked up right, and it was starting to take the edge off, but I definitely still had feeling and was able to move  my legs all over on my own. 

Anyways, they checked me out, and I was fully dilated and effaced!  Yay!  But baby was still way too high.  But they decided that since I had some feeling in my legs, we could try to start pushing. 

When the nurse told me this, I think I said something like “Are you SERIOUS?!?!”  Basically, it was about to get REAL!  For some reason I was only thinking about the labor and forgot about the whole “pushing the baby out,” and then “there being a baby to hold” kind of thing.

In comes the doctor, and apparently Will was “sunny side up”, which is apparently not the best position for him to be in.  The doctor was like, “I think I can turn him though…” And I'm pretty sure he just reached his whole arm up in me and did some crazy ninja moves (at least that’s basically what it felt like!), but somehow he got Will facing down again.  Yay!

So now it’s time to push push push… I basically felt like the doctor and nurses were cheering me on like it was a tie game and there were 3 seconds left (or something like that).  In other words, they made me feel like I was a very good pusher. J  I’m not sure if they do that with everyone, but they were like, "Yeah, that’s the way to do it!"  "Way to go!"  "Oh wow, that was a good one!"  Um… OK?  Even Chaz asked if they were being serious or not.  I can’t remember what they said. :-P

Well, I just watched the video of the birth, and again, I am so glad we have that.  It’s not like a crotch shot or anything.  Chaz is videoing from the side, so all you can really see is Will’s heading sticking out from behind my leg.  I don’t know how to describe it, but it is still very modest and definitely something I’ll show the kids someday if they want to see it.  Really, anyone could see it, because you seriously don’t see any “stuff.”  But I can’t help but laugh because right when he comes out, I just say “HOLY COW!!! I felt that!!!!” J

I only had to push for 45 minutes, and at 6:46pm, out came our 9 pound, 10 ounce baby boy! 

That shows all the nay-sayers out there who were pretty sure I was going to end up in a C-section, which included:  My OB (she told me at my 6-week check-up "I must admit, I really thought you would end up with a C-section"), the on-call doctor who actually did the delivery, and the nurses!  They kept saying, “We can’t believe it, we really didn't think you’d be able to do it.”  Especially the on-call doctor, he was pretty discouraging every time he came in.  He kept talking about the baby being really high, being prepared for a C-section and blah blah blah… 

So boo-yah! If I wanna push my baby out, I’m gonna push my baby out! J

After that, it’s all been pretty much a whirlwind… It felt like we were only in the hospital for 5 minutes, compared to the 5 days we were there for the girls’ birth. 

And that's the story of Will's birth!

And here's a little treat if you read all the way through this... Chaz videoed my Castor Oil adventure.  It so embarrassing, but I'm going to share it anyways... Sorry for the part where I almost puke... :-)  And yes, hearing Chaz's voice absolutely rips me to shreds now.



Sunday, April 6, 2014

8 Months

Hey boo,

How's it going?

Well, it's been 8 months of pure hell.  Absolute HELL.

I am still baffled that this is now my life.  My life without my best friend.  My other half.  My partner in crime.

I miss you so much.

It still feels like you are about to walk through the door.  That I'll here the garage door open and say to the kids "Daddy's home!"  and then the girls would go running to the gate between the living room and the kitchen with giant smiles and say "Dada!!!"

How is it that you've been gone for 8 months, but it still feels like you should be here?  Because you SHOULD be here!  I've said it before, and I'll say it again, this is complete bullshit that you are not here.

This week is going to bring me even deeper into hell because I have NO help except for the 2 evenings that Ms Brittney comes.  My mom decided to go on spring break with T's family.  So I've been pretty much left in the dust.  Tonight I had to give the girls spa while Will SCREAMED his head off.  I had to stick him in the exersaucer in the hallway in front of the bathroom door so he wouldn't be somewhere just unattended for 15 minutes, but he is way too big for the exersaucer now, and way to independent.  He doesn't like to be trapped in one spot.  But what other choice did I have?

Let's just say the echoing of his screaming off the bathroom walls, along with the girls taking cups full of water and pouring them outside the tub, made it for the MOST stressful, horrendous, frustrating, spa time ever.  I'm pretty sure the kids are going to hate me because I am ALWAYS angry.  I am ALWAYS yelling at them.  And tonight I just got to show them even more of Angry Momma.

Speaking of the kids, please forgive me for what I've fed them in the past 8 months.  Or even in the past few days!  This weekend, I gave them McDonalds TWICE, and ordered pizza once, which they then had the leftovers for dinner tonight.  At least tonight I threw in a banana on the side of their pizza, so that added something healthy, right?

How many ways can I screw up our kids?

This week is also going to be extra hell-ish because Will's birthday is Tuesday.  I can't even explain how I feel about him turning 1 without you here.  Seriously, I started talking about this in therapy over a month ago, because I literally could not think about it without crying.  I still can't.

At his birthday party, I just didn't let it sink in what was really going on.  I just went through the motions of it all.  I look at the pictures of that day and I can't help but laugh at how fake it is.  What an illusion it is compared to how I was really feeling.

But that's what my life is now.  Just a big illusion.  There are no pictures of after everyone goes home when the party is over, when I literally lay in the middle of the kitchen floor, sobbing my head off for an hour.  I wonder what the Facebook world would think of that?...

And on top of all this, I'm sick.  I don't know if it's allergies or a cold or what, but I'm sneezing and snotty nosed, my throat hurts, and I'm coughing all the time.  So yeah, awesome.

8... Fricken... Months...

Well, I guess I'll just go to bed hoping the same thing I do every night... That when I wake up, this will all have been the worst nightmare ever.  But you will be here for me to tell you about it...


Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Another Smart Moment

Hey boo,

How's it going?

I just had another "Really, Sarah?" moment...

I opened my can of Diet Coke just now, and I never pushed the little tab thing back out of the hole.  So I took a drink and my tooth hooked on the tab thing and I thought I almost pulled my tooth out!

How is that even possible?!?!

Anyways, just thought that would make you laugh.  I can here you say "Ha!" right now...

Miss you.