Saturday, December 28, 2013

Acts of Kindess (Part 1)

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I'm just trying to round me up some Christmas cheer...

It is really tough.

Basically, this horrible, no good, crappy thing happened to our family.  But on the other hand, we have been so incredibly blessed.  It is so weird, like the biggest oxymoron ever.  I've noticed that I am pretty much a walking oxymoron, but that is just something I'll have to tell you about later...

Anyways, as I was saying, pretty much the worst thing ever happened.  But after that, we have been surrounded by so many generous, caring, compassionate people and been given SO MUCH!

So, I've been trying to get some Christmas cheer by paying those blessings forward.  That's what the Christmas spirit is supposed to be, right?  It is better to give than receive...

I guess some people call it Pay It Forward.  Others call it Acts of Kindness.  I guess we are doing Acts of Kindness to Pay It Forward... :-P

And I'm really trying to get the kids involved too.  They might not completely realize what I'm trying to do, but it'll sink in eventually, and I hope they'll love to give instead of get as they grow up.

I've read that some people do 25 Acts of Kindess, for the first 25 days of December leading up to Christmas.  That seemed a little out of our league right now, so we are just doing what we can, when we can.  Also, it seems like a lot of Acts of Kindess involve money, and we have done some things that cost money, but I am also trying to do "free-ish" Acts too, so we can keep on our budget!  :-)

Here are a few things we've done so far:

1)  We put a toy in the Toys for Tots collection bin at the kids’ daycare.  I chose Monopoly as our toy, in honor of you.  You loved that game (even though you were a big cheater!). J  Plus, it was on sale for only $5.  Score!  I want the kids to be involved in our acts of kindness, so I tried to have the girls put the game in the box, and take a picture of them doing it.  Yeah, I’m sure you can guess how that went...  They wouldn’t take the game from me, they just stood there staring like, “huh…?”.  Oh well, if we keep doing it every year, I’m sure they’ll be excited about it eventually! 

2)  Since November, we've been decorating supper sacks for the organization in Grand Rapids called Kids Food Basket.  They provide suppers for kids who likely won’t have a meal when they get home.  I figured decorating the sacks would be something the girls could do.  So, I bought a bunch of brown paper sacks from GFS.  Then, I put the girls in their chairs with crayons and markers, and let them get to work!  I even decorated a few too, although the girls artwork probably looks better than mine! J  I had help from M and T on a bunch too.  The pack I bought had 500 sacks in it, so we definitely won’t be able to decorate them all, but I’m sure the organization will appreciate the blank ones too.  This Act of Kindness has probably been one that the girls participated in the most.  And Will can get involved with this next year!

Charlotte getting ready to color a supper sack!

Charlotte hard at work

Violet hard at work!

Violet decorating a supper sack.

A different day of coloring supper sacks.

A different day of coloring supper sacks.


Some of the bags the girls and I decorated. :-)  So far, we have 110 completed!!!

Some of the bags M & T decorated! :-)

3)  We had A LOT of diapers donated to us.  Unfortunately, big Will has grown out of size 3 diapers and we still had quite a few boxes of that size left.  So, I passed along the donated diapers to an organization out of Holland called Nestlings.  I brought over 300 size 3 diapers (3 boxes) to a donation drop-off near work.  I think that could diaper 1 baby for over 30 days!  We also ended up supporting this same organization at work for our Christmas Giving, so I brought in 2 more packages of diapers for that collection. I think we still have even more that I plan on passing along to others as they need them.

4) In more baby related Acts of Kindness, I gave L & B one of our infant car seats and 2 bases to go with it for their new baby grandson.  I know they were going to try and save money by purchasing a used car seat, so I'd rather have them get a car seat that they know is safe than to buy one from a stranger.

5) I volunteered to be on the Christmas Giving Team at work this year, where we supported the Grand Rapids Home for Veterans and as I said before, Nestlings.  I didn't actually do much because of my schedule, but I helped where I could.  I also passed along a gift card to a store that I don't shop at, so the team could shop for anything that was left on the list of items needed.

6)  A different department at work sponsored an elderly care home called Rest Haven.  They set up an "Angel Tree" type of thing, where each member of the home had a few items on their "wish" list.  So, I grabbed one of the names off the tree, and thanks to my attempts at "super couponing", I was able to snag her items for under the $15 limit.  They required multiple items to be wrapped in one package, as each person was only allowed to open one gift at the home's Christmas party.  In trying to get the kids involved, I tried to have the girls "help" me wrap the box... Um, that probably wasn't my best idea.  They just wanted to walk all over the wrapping paper.  Hopefully the person opening our gift didn't realize how wrinkled the paper was! :-)

Our gift to someone at Resthaven!

Charlotte holding the tag from the "Angel Tree."

Will "helping" wrap...

Violet "helping" wrap our gift to Resthaven

Will "helping"...

Being good helpers!

Putting tape on...

Our wrapped gift ready to put under the "Angel Tree" at work!

7)  This is dorky, but thanks to Pinterest, I put this little present in the mailbox for our mail carrier.  I feel like that person has been working a lot of overtime or something, because I got a package on a Sunday, two weeks in a row!

A little something for our mail carrier! :-)

8) Someone told me about another woman in the area who is also 30-something, and her husband passed away suddenly a couple months after you did.  They also had young kids.  I told the person to pass along my email address to her, if she ever wanted to talk to someone who totally understood what she was going through.  I haven't heard from her yet, which I completely understand.  But I sent her an anonymous gift card to, because I know it's hard to find time to get to the store, and shopping online is so convenient.  Plus, you can buy anything from Amazon, whether it be necessities like toilet paper or diapers, or just something nice for herself.  I hope it helps her out in some way, even if it just makes her smile when she gets it.

And, there are a few more things in progress that I'll have to tell you about later... 

But the thing is, despite my small attempts to pay our blessings forward, we continue to be blessed 10 times more!!!  What is that saying about something coming back to you 10-fold???  It's basically like that.  We are  just surrounded by some seriously generous people!  I am always so overwhelmed by what people do to help us.  I just can't believe what everyone is doing for our family.  I'll have to send you another email just to talk about all of that stuff!  It is AMAZING!

But anyways, most of the time, I try not to think about Christmas, and the fact that you won't be here for it.  I'm really just going through the general motions of this holiday season, and not letting anything really sink in.  It's pretty much impossible for me to think about Christmas morning without getting choked up.  Honestly, I can't even type what I'm feeling because it hurts so bad.  It's weird how this time of year is just so incredibly hard...  I just can't even process it...

A couple weeks ago, I was flipping through a Women's Health or some kind of women's magazine like that in the waiting room at therapy.  I happened to see an article where in big bold letters it said that "a person is 30% more likely to die within 5 years of a stressful, traumatic life event." (I put that in quotes, but it is still paraphrased, the statistic is right, but I can't remember the exact wording.)  I read that, and thought, "Awesome."  Seriously, what else could go wrong, now I have to worry about that too (as if I don't already!)?!?!  But then I started reading the article.  It said the one thing that took that 30% risk completely away was "helping others."  Huh, who knew??  That made me feel better, because we had already begun our Acts of Kindness at that time.  I mentioned what I had read and what we were doing to my therapist.  I said I couldn't imagine not helping others, don't people do that every day?  Whether it be as simple as holding the door open for someone, or letting someone pull out in front of you when traffic is backed up?  And my therapist said "No, people don't do that."  She said that A LOT of people are so caught up in their own trauma, they are just wrapped up in what is going on in their lives.  She said they don't think about others. ["Others." Ha, LOST reference :-P]  She said she was glad that I happened to "stumble upon" it and start doing our Acts of Kindness.  She said she would have brought it up eventually, but I figured it out on my own. It didn't really feel like I figured anything out, I was just doing something that was helping me, so it was still selfish in a way...

So yeah, moral of the story is, I'm glad I'm working on our Acts of Kindness!  Even though I said we were just going to do what we could, I actually think I took on a few too many projects this season, because I've been really busy at night trying to get everything done... But all of that busy-ness has actually helped me get through this holiday season...

But I'll still be glad when it's over...


Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Merry Fricken Christmas

Hi Boo,

Well, merry fricken Christmas...

Blah.  The holidays now officially suck.  I'm lucky that our kids are still too young to realize that it is Christmas time, and this is the time of year for happy happy happy, cheery cheery cheery, fa la la la la, and all that crap.


But of course, I don't let on how I feel about the holidays.  On the outside, I've got my "Sarah" mask on, pretending everything is the same as it was, that life is good.  But on the inside, I feel like I'm being ripped to shreds, and I pretty much just want to throw my middle fingers in the air and say "F-ck this holiday."  I did boycott Facebook today though.   I popped on for a few minutes once today, and I couldn't handle everyone's happy pictures and statuses, so I was like, nope.  Peace out Facebook.

I've worked hard to get through this.  I really am seriously trying.  I've been working on another email for a while now to explain to you how I've been trying to get through this.  I've just been so blah on the inside that I can't even find the words to email you.  Although I  have about a million conversations a day with you in my head...

I just wish I could ACTUALLY have a conversation with you.

I made it though our anniversary.  I made it through Halloween.  I made it through Thanksgiving.  I made it through Christmas Eve.  And I'm about to make it through Christmas Day.   I have one more holiday to get through in the next week, and then I'll have a few weeks off before another happy day that will now feel like doom and gloom.

Although I've already started seeing signs of that approaching holiday in the stores... Remember how I used to see that stuff and say "My birthday's coming up!"  Sigh...

Anyways, I actually have a bunch of different emails to you "in progress" right now.  Maybe I'll find the motivation to finish getting my words out soon...

But until then, just know that I miss you.  I love you.  My entire being aches to have you here... (<-- I know, that sounds cheesy, but that is really how it is.  I literally ache all over from missing you so much.)


Friday, December 6, 2013

IV Months

Hey boo,

How's it going?

So, it's been 4 months now.  I don't even feel like calculating the days, hours, minutes, seconds... Every one of them sucked.

So, Will has now officially been WITHOUT you, longer than he was actually WITH you.  You left us 2 days before his 4 month "birthday."  And the thought of that pretty much makes me want to puke.

Getting him into his car seat before we left the hospital.

Carrying everything while I just rode in a wheelchair. :-)

I struggle every day with how to raise and take care of Will.  You were the one who had to show me how to clean his junk!  I don't know how boys operate!  What am I supposed to do with him??!?!

These 2 pictures just make me laugh... Angry face.

Happy face.

Right now, I'm wondering what you would want to do about his hair.  I love his curls!  But I never take the time to "style" his hair, I just let it fro out all over the place...  But now it's getting in his eyes...  Would you want to cut it, or let it be?!?!  What should I do????

Teaching the girls to hug brother...

We thought he was so BIG!  Now I can't even remember him being that SMALL!

I tell him every day that Daddy loves him.

 I know it's a stereotype, but I still want him to be somewhat tough...  But you know me... always "caution!"  By now you would be throwing him in the air and doing things that make me mad. :-)  He is surrounded by women all. the. time.  Who's going to teach him about "ratchety wrenches"  and how you can tell that it's a "blitz!"?  (Seriously, you explained what blitzing looks like to me every time we watched football, and I was just like, "still looks like everyone is doing their standard 'job'"...)

Proof that Will does cry. :-)

"Dad, not in front of my friends!" :-)

I remember after we found out that both of the twins were girls, we came home and you got out your baseball glove and a ball... You sat on the couch throwing the ball into the glove, pouting... But once they were here, you LOVED having girls.  You couldn't imagine it any other way.

But I also remember being in the ultrasound room when I was pregnant with Will.  You were sitting in a chair at the foot of the bed, leaned back with your hands behind your head (kind of like the picture below), watching the the ultrasound on the TV that they have on the wall.  We told the tech we wanted to know the gender, and when she said "It looks like it's a boy..."  Then she wiggled the thingy around on my belly more to get a different view, and said "Yup, it's definitely a boy, can you see that...?" You put both arms up, fist in the air, and looked back at me like "hell yeah!", as if the Bears just scored a touchdown... You were so excited that you got YOUR boy!  Charles Number 5!  Cinco!  V! :-)

So why in the hell don't you get to be here for him?!?!?

The best. feeling. ever.

How you would walk around with him in the evenings to settle him down.
I wish we hadn't procrastinated on going back to IL after Will was born... I wanted that damn generational picture so bad. II, III, IV, V.  Not many people can get a picture like that.  And now we can't either.

Please just know that I'll do my best with Will.  I'll show him Bears football, the Lakers and the Bulls basketball, NASCAR, and dirt racing.  And if he ends up liking foo-foo drinks when he's older, I'll make sure he knows that's OK, because his daddy liked them too. :-)


Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Violet Got Bit

Hey Boo,

FYI, Violet was bitten at school again...  She probably instigated it though... :-P

Miss you.

Beware My Wrath

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I'm horrible.

This morning was particularly exhausting.  Violet was up around 5:30 yelling "Momma!  Momma!  Momma!" from her crib... I tried to ignore her and hope she fell back asleep, but nope.  Well, when I went to go see what the issue was, she had puked everywhere in her crib.  She points to it and says "Barf."  Yeah, sweetie, barf...

So, whatever, I'm overly exhuasted, all of this lack of sleep is really catching up with me.  So, I just grab her taggie, pick her up and lay her in bed with me for another 30 minutes.  But then it's time to get up and get ready for work.

Usually I get ready when they are still asleep, or at least still in their cribs.  So, it is not easy getting ready with Violet awake and following me around.  She needs attention, and she is a chatterbox so she has to talk extremely loudly about everything.  "Make-up.  Momma. Face."  "Down Momma" (because she wants me to sit down on the floor next to her.  "Hurrrr" means 'hair.'  And so on...

Finally I am all ready and I can start the usual routine of getting the kids ready.  I get Violet all dressed and in her chair to eat breakfast.  Then I go get Charlotte.  While I'm trying to get Charlotte ready, Violet is freaking out because of the buttons on her shirt... They are just there for decoration, but she wants them buttoned.  How do I explain that they don't button, they are just for looks?  Then she is complaining about owies, and everything else, and that she wants down.  Well, we are already behind schedule, so I don't feel like dealing with trying to get her to sit and eat, so I just get her out of her chair and let her run free.  And of course, if Violet is running free, then Charlotte needs to be too.  Fine. Whatever.

Then I get Will up and start getting him dressed.  And the girls are fighting over toys.  "Mine." "Mine." Ugh...

So, I'm trying to break up their fight while still trying to get Will dressed.  Then Charlotte has to sit in my lap, which makes it extremely difficult to get Will dressed.

I just had no energy for all of this nonsense...

So basically, as usual, our morning was chaos.  But I didn't even feel like forcing everyone to do what they were supposed to be doing.  So, it was just a free-for-all.  Everyone running all over the place.  It took forever for us to finally get out the door.

Then, I had Violet and Charlotte loaded into the car, and I pick up Will, and of course, he has a poo-splosion going on... ugh... So then I have to change him and his clothes.  Fortunately none of it got on me, because that has also happened before, where I need an outfit change too.

Once we get to school, the girls have to look at the snowman by the door, then the Christmas tree in the lobby, then the other snowman on their way to the classroom, then the "bee-bees" in their classroom... Then I have to take off their hats, mittens, and coats.  Then Violet doesn't want me to leave so she is hanging on me.  The teacher finally had to rip her off of me... Then I drop Will off, and I am just moving slow motion getting his bottles out and stuff.

And finally I'm out and on my way to work.  Then I realize I forgot Will needed diapers at school.  And I never brought them... Ugh... I'm just hoping they have enough there to cover him for today and I'll bring them in next week.


I'm exhausted.

Then I get to work, and in order to work on one of these products, I need a little more information from someone.  And the person gives me a really stupid/lazy answer... Ugh... Usually, I would be nice and just try to better explain what I needed and why I needed it, but today, I was just like, whatever!  In my true passive-aggressive nature, I wrote him a snarky email that said fine, I'll do it the lazy way, but I'm just letting you know that it's wrong so you need to add this special little note so that everyone knows it's not my fault that it's wrong.

Yeah, blah.  I'm having a bad attitude today.  Have I mentioned I'm exhausted?

Anyways, everyone needs to beware of my wrath, I'm on a warpath.  I'm just too tired to be nice today.

I miss you.


Tuesday, November 26, 2013


Hey Boo,

How's it going?  I'm just super mega blah lately... It's going to be rough few weeks with the holidays and whatnot...

So anyways, I thought writing an email about nonsense silly stuff would make me feel a little less blue...

So, you know I like to read, and I've been reading a lot lately.  I recently read the Divergent series, which is of course, books meant for "young adults."  Those are my favorite kind of books right?  Because I'm basically a 14-year-old stuck in a 30-year-olds body... :-)

Well, of course they are making the books into movies.  The trailer for the first movie just came out a couple weeks ago.


You know my favorite show, Teenage Pregnancy?  (I think it's really called The Secret Life of the American Teenager, but that is just what we called it...)  Well anyways, you know how we thought they were all the most amazing actors ever?!?!  (I hope you can sense my sarcasm through my writing...)  That main girl from the show is the main character in the Divergent movie!!! What!?!?!  Ugh, are you kidding me?!?!  She is not who I pictured at all for this character.  It's another "now I'm depressed" moment seeing that she is in the movie! :-P  Even in the trailer, I'm just like, ugh, I can't stand your voice... Go talk about pregnancy, and babies, and if you are going to get married, and of course, s e x... :-P  But even though I can't stand her, you know I still can't stop watching that show, it's the train wreck that you can't look away from! :-)

So yeah, that's just my sillyness for now.

I am seriously missing you like whoa.  For reals.


Wednesday, November 20, 2013

I'm in a Hurry to Get Things Done

Hey Boo,

How's it going?

So, Will start crawling this week!!! Yay!  :-)

But of course the whole thing gives me mixed emotions.  I'm excited that he's crawling and that he reached a major milestone, but I'm so sad that you aren't here to see it...

And then it gets me thinking about all of the things the kids do, and how I feel like you're missing it, and I am missing it too!  I feel like I am always in a hurry, rushing to make sure everything gets done.

We rush in the morning: Hurry up to get myself up and ready, then hurry to get everyone else up, diapers changed, clothes on, breakfast, shoes, coats, get in the car seats.  Then we get to school and it's hurry up and get everyone out of the car, get everyone in to the building, get them into their classrooms and make sure all their "stuff" (like bottles, taggies, coats, hats, mittens) gets in the right spot at school too.

Then it's rush to work - and of course, work in general is just rush, rush, rush.  Everyone wants everything done yesterday...

Then it's rush to school to pick up the kids - Hurry and get their coats, hats, and mittens on.  Make sure they have their taggies.  Try to keep them from running wild while I talk to the teacher.  Hurry to get them in their carseat.

Then it's a rush to get home - Hurry home. Hurry to get them out of their carseats and into the house.  Hurry to get Will's dinner ready.  Hurry to get Violet and Charlotte's dinner ready.  Hurry to get them into their high chairs.  Hurry to get my dinner ready (if I even get a chance to eat, sometimes the girls are just too demanding for me to eat, or they have to eat the food off my plate, or eat with my fork).

Then it's rushing for the rest of our evening routine - Hurry and clean up after dinner.  Hurry and get spas done.  Hurry to do lotion, get diapers on, get jammies on, comb hair, q-tip ears, and brush teeth.  Then it's hurry to get Will's bottle ready.  Hurry and get the girls set up on their pillow pets to settle down.

Then it's rushing to get to bed - Hurry and put Will in his crib.  Then hurry to get the girls upstairs, where they have to point to the "broken books" (which they broke by ripping apart), say "uh-oh" because the light is off and continue to say it until I turn it on, get in their cribs, arrange their purple dog and glow sea-horse and book, then lay down.  Then Charlotte needs to kiss Violet.  Then Charlotte needs to kiss me.  Then Violet needs to kiss me.  Then they both finally lay down and I can cover them up with a blanket and turn their glow sea-horses on.  Then turn off the light and shut the door.

Yeah, it's pretty much rush, rush, rush.  I hardly get to spend time with them.  I feel like most people get to have fun during bath time, splashing around, putting their kids hair in mohawks and whatnot.  But for me, it's always go, go, go, let's get down to business, wash, wash, wash, Ok, we're done.  There is no time for playing...

On my days off, it's not as bad... but there are still certain points in the day where I feel rushed.  Like breakfast, trying to get everyone fed before they freak out.  Lunch, again, trying to get everyone fed before they freak out.  Which leads to nap time, and that can be a headache because the girls don't always go to sleep.  Then I'm trying to eat much lunch while trying to keep Will entertained.  Then dinner time, which leads into our usual  night time routine.

On those days, I am always bummed because I never get one-on-one time with any of the kids.  The girls are always jealous of each other and/or Will.  There is always 2 or 3 kids trying to get my attention.  I feel like I never get to really notice the kids.  I never get to really look at them and see how they are growing and what they are doing.  I feel like I'm just on the "surface" parenting, and I'm not getting into it too "deeply", if that makes sense.

So, that is why I feel like I'm missing out on everything too.

There are times when I remember this, and I try hard to slow down, and really "look" at the kids.  One. At. A. Time.  But it's hard, and the moment still passes by too quickly.

I remember before, when you would be feeding the girls at the table, and I would be nursing brother on the couch, I would stare at you guys.  I was trying to burn that image of the 3 of you at the table in my mind.  Not for your sake, but for the girls sake.  So that I would always remember what it was like when they were little.  Now I'm glad that I did that, because I'll always remember what it was like when you were here.  I need to burn more images into my mind, because time is going by way too quick.

I guess it's just me, and I need to try harder to slow down... Remind me to bring this up in therapy this week, to see if she has any tips on what I can do to work on this...

Anyways, I miss you so much.  Is this real life?


Saturday, November 16, 2013

A Ring?!?!?

 Hey boo,

How's it going?  Not too much going on here...

I'm pretty much stuck in a rut... day after day, week after week, it's all the same... but I guess that's how it was before too, so I don't know why it's such a big deal...

Well, I guess something interesting happened this past week...

So, back in August, the Perrigo OTC Marketing Team gave me a gift certificate for this really neat thing called Gift of Time Concierge Service.  I hadn't really been sure how or what I was going to use it for until recently...

On Monday, the van started dinging at me, telling me I had low tire pressure... ugh... I had actually noticed that it looked low for a while, but I was like, eh, it'll be OK... but now, if it's dinging at me, it's probably really low, plus, the dinging and warning lights were just annoying.

Well, I really did attempt to put air in the tire myself after putting gas in the van at a gas station.  And I'm sure you can imagine how that went... There was a reason I always asked you to do that kind of stuff... :-P

So, I did what I usually do nowadays... I posted it on FB... First, a friend suggested I go to an oil change place, and then one of our wonderful neighbors offered and brought over an air compressor to fill up the tires.  Yay!

But the oil change thing got me thinking... hmmm... When was the last time the van had an oil change?!?!

I go out and look at the sticker... Huh, well, I'll be darned, I'm already more than 1000 miles over when I should have gotten one... Oooops!!!

So, then I was racking my brain trying to figure out when I would fit in an oil change when I didn't have the kids with me...?  I was trying to see if there was a place that could pick up my car from work for me and do it, but then I remembered the Gift of Time gift certificate!  I wonder if I could use some of it for that?!?!

I emailed her and asked about an oil change, and she said she could definitely do that!!!  She said she basically acts as a personal assistant to her clients.  And I was like, heck yeah, I totally need a personal assistant!  Now my mind was thinking of all sorts of great things she could do to help me out!

But anyways, back to the oil change...

She had an opening in her schedule to get it done on Wednesday afternoon.  Score!  She was going to come and pick it up from me at work and then bring it back.  Before she got there, I started to think about what a disaster the van is on the inside... receipts, un-used coupons, granola bar wrappers, kids clothes, and a random Bumbo that is always in there for some reason!  So, when she got there, I asked if she had any extra time, if she could also clean out the car a little bit?  She said of course!

So, now is the really awesome part of the story... When she got back, she said, "I found a ring."  And I said, "A ring?!?!?"  She shows me the ring and it is my ORIGINAL WEDDING BAND!!!!  Oh. my. word.  I just looked at it, and I said "Holy crap, I think I'm going to cry!"  And of course I do that crazy hand flapping thing at my face that is somehow supposed to make me not cry... :-P  She said that she knew it was important...  I asked her if she knew about my situation, and she said a little bit.  She must have heard from whoever bought the gift certificate.

So, lets back up the truck here a minute...

First, when did I lose my wedding band???  I know I was pregnant with Will.  And it was still a while before he was born, because I remember walking around preggo for a long time without a wedding ring on, wondering what people were thinking about me...  I thought people would think we were having marital problems or something, but nobody even asked about it.  So anyways, I'm estimating that I lost it almost a year ago!  (That shows how often I clean out my car... :-P)

Next, what about the events following the loss of my wedding band???  Over the summer, I think I started dropping some seriously major hints (IE. telling you flat out) that I wanted a new wedding band for our upcoming anniversary.  I wanted something simple and inexpensive because I didn't want to scratch the babies with it, and of course, just in case I lost it again!

What I didn't know was that the Wednesday before you died (ugh, hate that word), you had gone to see one of our friends that works at Talsma Jewelers and picked out a new wedding band for me!  But you didn't buy it that day because you weren't feeling good.  I had no idea that you did this, I had assumed that we would pick one out together.  Well, during the crazy time between the day you died and when the visitations started, I received a note from our friend explaining what you had done, and the most incredible gift...  She had told her bosses about what happened, and they gave me the ring you had picked out!  Of course, I cried!  It was basically like the last gift you would ever give to me, and it showed just what an amazing husband you were.  For real, it was such a wonderful and sad thing at the same time.  After that, I was pretty much an obsessive freak about not losing this ring...

The replacement wedding band you picked out...

So, now lets get back to what happened this week...

So, as I was saying, the "concierge" found my ORIGINAL WEDDING BAND in the van.  I emailed her right after I got back inside to tell her thanks again and asking where she found it.  She said it was nestled in the receipts and coupons in the center console...

My original wedding band...  And, I'm getting 'grandma' hands, I need to moisturize more! :-)

Well, of course I told my family this whole story, and also, my therapist.  And my therapist got me thinking a little differently about this whole thing... My original thoughts were, "Wow!  This is amazing!  I am so happy to have my original ring back!  But also so sad that you aren't here to share in this awesomeness..."  And pretty much every emotion in between...

But my therapist brought up something we had talked about in the past, something similar to this other email I wrote you back in September about Bugs & Signs.  We had talked about some kind of sign/message or something important that would make me feel some way connected to you now...  So, the more we talked about this whole "ring" thing, the more I started to think that "hmmm... maybe this is it."

Basically, I was 99.99% sure that I lost the ring INSIDE THE HOUSE, more specifically, IN THE KITCHEN, even more specifically, ON THE CORNER OF THE ISLAND RIGHT BY THE FRIDGE.  That is where I ALWAYS took off and put my jewelry when I got home from work.  I know, not the safest spot, but it's what I did.  I was 99.99% sure that the ring must have been knocked off the counter, on to the ground, and either under an appliance, or swept/vacuumed up and now in the trash.  There was .01% of me that thought I may have lost it at work, when I took it off at my desk to put lotion on my hands (which I now never take my ring(s) off to put lotion on...), and forgot to put it back on, and it got knocked to the ground or something...

So, HOW COULD I HAVE LOST IT IN THE VAN?!?!  I am 100% sure that I have never taken my jewelry off in the van.  Also, the center console is on my RIGHT side when I'm driving, and the ring is obviously on my LEFT hand.  So, it couldn't have just slipped off and fell in there... And I know I lost it on a "school" night because I couldn't find it when I was heading out the door for work the next morning, but I had had it on the day before...

And as we talked, I started to remember you when you were driving the van, and holding your hand out over the center console, waiting for me to hold your hand...  You would always rub my ring finger and pretend to be mad/jealous that I wasn't wearing a ring so it was like we weren't married... :-P

So, was this whole thing, like "a thing?"

The skeptic in me says "no."  Why would you "put" the ring in the van's center console?  Why would somebody else find it, not me?  Why wouldn't you just "put" it in a drawer in the kitchen, where I would find it, and it would make more sense.

The 'crazy missing you' in me says "maybe..."  The ring was in the van's center console because it was a place where it should NOT have been at all (like how I refer to in the other email "a rainbow in the middle of the night.").  Someone else found it because I would never thoroughly clean out the van, or really do anything out of our new routine that would make me look somewhere "weird."...

So anyways, of course, I'm not completely convinced, and I probably never will be.  But for right now, it is still pretty wonderful to have my ORIGINAL wedding band back.  It's something for me to show the kids and have them wear at their weddings someday...

Now, if my ENGAGEMENT RING shows up, which you know I lost at least a bazillion years ago (like sometime before the girls were 9 months old, because it was before we found out we were preggo with Will), that would probably convince me... :-)

Two wedding bands with two different meanings to me...


Wednesday, November 6, 2013

3 Months

Hey boo,

How's it going?

Well, today it's been 3 months...

...or 13 weeks...

...or 92 days...

...or 2208 hours...

...or 132,480 minutes...

...or 7,948,800 seconds...

...and honestly, I still cannot believe that you are gone.

I miss you like whoa.


Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Weather People

Hey boo,

How's it going?

So, this morning at work, the topic of weather came up.  And then we began discussing the weather people on the news...

A co-worker was name certain weather people, it brought up stuff that you and I used to talk about it... I was like, oh yeah, that woman works 24/7, she's on the early morning news and the 11pm news... Remember always talking about that?

We also talked about one of the weekend weather people that you couldn't stand.  You used to always complain about her face... haha!

And then the person brought up Ginger Zee and I just started laughing.  I was like, oh yeah, I know Ginger Zee.  I used to tease Chaz all the time that he had a crush on her.  Remember how you would go on and on about Ginger Zee on the weekend weather on Good Morning America?

And then I realized, we are huge dorks!  Why did we talk so much about the weather people on the news!?!?!?

Even if it was extremely dorky, I still miss it.  I miss you...


Monday, October 28, 2013


Hey Boo,

How's it going?

So, remember how we thought it was difficult to leave the house after we had kids?  Just thinking about packing them up with all their gear was exhausting...

Well, it's even worse now.

I feel trapped.

When you were hear, if we really needed to get out, one of us could stay home with the kids while the other ran errands or went out or grocery shopped, etc.

Now, I can never leave the house.  Unless I want to find a baby-sitter...

If I have any errands, I try to run them during lunch at work.  But I can't do everything during that short time.

So, on Fridays my sister takes the kids for a few hours in the morning, and I utilize that time to grocery shop.  I will also occasionally schedule appointments during that time, because I know that I have a guaranteed baby-sitter lined up.

I also get out on Thursdays to go to therapy.  But I never run errands during that time because my mom is here alone with all 3 kids.  I try to schedule my therapy appointments so that the majority of the time I am away, the kids are napping.  That way it's not too stressful on my mom... But I still just hurry right to therapy, and then as soon as it's done, I rush right home.

And that's about it.

I am trapped.

Right now, I have a prescription that needs to be picked up.  As I mentioned before, our insurance crap is all screwed up.  I told the pharmacy that I was going to get that straightened out first, so that I don't have to pay full price again.  But since I have to wait for the insurance company to update their info, I really need to pick up the prescription now.  I only have a couple days left of my current stuff, so I can't wait until Friday (and this Friday, my sister isn't taking the kids because she is out of town).  However, I can't get it, because there is nobody here with the kids.  If you were here, one of us (probably you) would buzz down to the pharmacy to get it.  I can't really get it during lunch, because the pharmacy is closer to home than work. It would make no sense for me to drive all the way home, and then all the way back to work... So yeah, I have no idea how/when I am going to get this prescription... It is so frustrating.

I can never "just go" somewhere.

Also, since you've been gone, I keep feeling the need to accomplish stuff on my bucket list.  To do something interesting.  Something simple would be just going to book club in the neighborhood.  Even though it is just at the clubhouse that I can literally see from our back windows, it's just not that easy anymore.  THERE IS NOBODY TO STAY WITH THE KIDS.  Something complicated would be to actually go to a Zumba class or take piano lessons.  But again, THERE IS NOBODY TO STAY WITH THE KIDS...

I'm sure you're thinking that I could just ask my sister or my mom, but they are already here enough!  They are with the kids enough!  They are doing enough!  I don't want to add anything else on to them...  And to pay a sitter just so I can go to book club is absolutely ridiculous!  I now have to pay someone almost any time I go out, so having a social life just got even more expensive... And that social life would just be book club!  It's not like I'm a party animal or anything.  So yup, the only people I see are my co-workers and my family...

Another issue I'm having is that I want to put the girls in a gymnastics class.  But now that it would be just me bringing the whole crew, I just don't know how I would manage it...

So, moral of the story is, if we thought it was hard to leave the house before, it's damn near impossible now!

This is just another one of those "additional losses" that make me think "now I'm depressed."


Ok, sorry to be such a complainer...


Grown Up Crap

Hi Boo,

How's it going?  I'm just crabby, blah, annoyed, frustrated, and sad...

So, I hate dealing with "grown up" stuff... Like paying bills, making big decisions, and health insurance crap.

We have COBRA or whatever for our health, dental, and prescription insurance now, and it is SO CONFUSING!  I never know who to call when I have questions.  I don't even understand what COBRA means!

I'm so frustrated right now because I don't know what company our prescription insurance is through anymore... I've had to pay full price for 2 prescriptions because I don't have a prescription card from anybody, and I needed the scripts right away, so I was just like, whatever, I'll pay for them... Um, FYI, prescriptions aren't cheap.  Ugh...

So, I'm trying to figure it out, and I call the COBRA people.  They say I have prescription coverage through so-and-so company.  K, cool, I have a card for that.  I go to the pharmacy, give them the card, and they are like, this is not right... WTF?!?!

So, I call so-and-so company and ask what my coverage is.  They are like, you don't have any... More WTF?!?!

So, then I call the COBRA people again.  They tell me that I have coverage through that same so-and-so company.  I tell them that I just called so-and-so, and they said I don't have coverage.  The lady was like, well, I'm not sure what the deal is, but I'll send them an urgent message to get it updated, give them 7-10 business days to update their system.  WTF?!?! I need prescriptions NOW!  I can't wait 7-10 days... grrr...

So yeah, now I have to wait and see if they get their crap updated... Hopefully I'll be reimbursed for whatever I paid... I think I need to save receipts or something...

Anyways, I'm just blah about all this stuff.   I hate being a grown up.

I miss you.  Love.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Feeling Blue

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I feel blue... :-P

I wish I could explain how much I miss you.  There are no words to really express it.  I just miss you so much!  Ugh...

I had a breakdown at work today...  I try very hard to keep all my crazyness smooshed down inside while I'm at work.  Nobody wants to work with a hysterical person!  I try hard not to complain about how crappy things are for me right now.  I just try to act "normal."

But sometimes little things trigger my crazyness.  And once it starts, it is almost impossible to get back under control.  I have to leave my office and either go in the bathroom or out to my car.  And sometimes I think I have it under control, but I get back to my desk and still can't hold myself together.  I've had to take my laptop into a conference room so I could just cry and work at the same time...

Once I finally pull it back together, I'm exhausted.   I can't believe how exhausting emotions can be.  I just feel so drained.  Blah...

Anyways, like I said before, I miss you.


Monday, October 21, 2013

Imagine Dragons

Hey boo,

How's it going?

So, this is the totally random thing that I would typically email you...

Basically, my mind is blown right now!  I recently discovered Spotify, and it is so much better than Pandora!  I can pretty much type in any song or CD I want and listen to the entire thing.

So, today I decided to listen to the Imagine Dragons album because it's one of the top listened to albums, and I liked their Radioactive song...

So, remember one time when they first started playing Radioactive on the radio, I was like, "Huh, that's who Imagine Dragons is... I had seen a lot of people post about them on FB, but had never heard them..."

Well, apparently I had!  The song "It's Time" started playing, and I was like, WTF, why is this playing in the middle of the Imagine Dragons CD??? I thought maybe I had pushed something wrong so other songs were in my playlist.

Nope, that's just an Imagine Dragons song.  Ha!  I had no idea they sang that.  I was laughing to myself.  I felt like I was living under a rock or something.  I've heard that song at least a million times, and I thought it was somebody else singing it.

Ok, so maybe I'm just easily amused, but this is something I would tell you about.  I don't think anyone else would understand my crazyness...

I miss you.


Randomly Random

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I am just missing you...

My mind has been extremely more clustered lately... I have no idea why.  I have random things that pop into my head all the time, and then it's almost like as soon as it pops in my head, it's gone again!  Some of the stuff is actually important too!  I try to write stuff down, but I'm not always able to, so the thought gets lost until it decides to pop back in my mind again...

So yeah, as always, there is a ton of stuff I want to tell you, but I just can't remember it all.

Basically, I miss you.  That's really the most important thing...

Oh man, I remembered one of my random thoughts!

So, remember how when Cullen Finnerty was missing and then found dead?  There was such a big deal at GVSU about it.  And although I was very sad for his family and friends, I was annoyed with GVSU making such a big deal about it.  I was saying that there are probably A LOT of other GVSU alumni that passed away that just went unnoticed by the university.  Sure, he was a big shot football player, but does that  mean all the rest of us are just chopped liver?  I see no pomp and circumstance for you at GVSU... So yeah, I'm just annoyed at GVSU about that...  But what doesn't annoy me lately?!?!?!

Ok, that's it for now.  Love!

Monday, October 14, 2013


Hey Boo,

How's it going?  I'm just the usual...

So, there is another word that is making me bonkers lately.  "Old."  Ugh... It is like nails on a chalkboard to me.  Or like the sound of a dentist drill.  It's almost like it physically hurts me every time I hear it.

Ok, so you know that nobody pissed and moaned about turning 30 more than me.  All I did was complain about it!  You know that I got so worked up/freaked out about it that I literally threw up.  That I cried more than once in the days leading up to and after my big 3-0.  I hated turning 30.  I thought I was SO old!  Old. Old. Old!

And you would tease me about it all the time.  I was "robbing the cradle" because you were the whopping 5 months younger than me.  You loved pointing out the fact that I was in an entirely different "decade" than you were.  There was a "3" at the beginning of my age and you still had a "2."  On a survey, I would now have to choose the 30-34 age range, while you were still in the 25-29 age range.  Oh, how you loved to point out how old I was.

Well, guess what?  One of the final gifts you gave me is making me feel YOUNG!  I have realized how incredibly young I am (we are).  Young! Young! Young!  Seriously, we are not even half way through our life yet.  I just looked it up and the average life expectancy in the US is 76 for males and 81 for females!  We still have a long way to go.  A  l o n g way!  So, as I have said many times before, it's pretty much BS that you got screwed out of 46+ years of life.  That I got screwed out of 46+ years with you by my side.  That our kids got screwed out of 46+ years with their daddy.  BS.

So, I understand why people say they are old.  I used to say it all the time too.  Because we don't act like we're 16, 18, 21 anymore...

And I know that nobody near me is saying it on purpose, to make me crazy.  It's a common expression that LOTS of people say.  Nobody is trying to mean.  I can tell that there are certain words that people say, and then realize what they've said when I'm around, and kind of pause awkwardly before continuing on with their story.  It's not a big deal.  You and I used to say things like that all the time!  One of our favorite expressions was "Lay on the floor and die!"  You would ask me, "What would you do if you saw a spider?"  And I would say "I would lay on the floor and die!"  Or when you would explain to me one of the girls reactions to getting dropped off at daycare "She laid on the floor and died."  Well, that expression has pretty much been eliminated from my vocabulary, although occasionally something happens and I think it, but then I catch myself and don't say it, because it would be IA, and of course nobody but you would understand it anyways.

But from now on, I've decided that we shouldn't say we are old.  Because we are not. We are young!  The reason we don't act 16, 18, 21 anymore, is because we are "grown ups!"  We don't wear skirts where our @$$es hang out because we have learned through experience that it doesn't really look good.  We don't stay out late because we have learned through experience that we will pay the price the next day.  We have jobs, we have kids, we have spouses, we have responsibilities.  We act responsible!  We act like grown ups!

So, I am going to start new trends to get rid of calling ourselves old. When I feel like cashing in and going home at 9pm, instead of saying, "Blah, I am so OLD," I'm going to say, "Blah, I'm such a grown up!"  When I talk with my friends about kids and insurance policies instead of cute boys and how wasted we got last night, I'm going to say "Blah, I'm so responsible!"  Or when we talk about how we can no longer do a back-handspring, our bones crack when we get out of bed, or that we were just prescribed bifocals, I'm going to say "Blah, time is really taking it's toll on my body!"  (Yeah, I know the last one is extra dorky, but whatevs...)

We are grown-ups.  We are responsible.  And of course our bodies have experienced a little wear and tear.  But we are  F A R  from old.  I've decided that the only people allowed to say they are "old" are males 76 and older, or females 81 and older.  They can be considered old because they have outlived the average American.  They can BRAG about being old.  They should be PROUD to be old.  Because with everything that can go wrong, they are pretty much awesome that they made it to that age.  They can show off their wrinkles, gray hair, and hip replacements with pride.  High five, Grandma, you are rockin' that cane and hunched over look!

So anyways, that's just me complaining more about another word that I've learned to hate... Apparently I've got a lot of hate going on lately... blah...

Well, I guess that's it for now.  I pretty much miss you like crazy. Cuh-ray-zee!


The Dishwasher Broke

Hey Boo,

How's it going?

So remember that one time when we would try to turn on the dishwasher and it would give a little error code and beep at us?  Well, it started doing it again... ugh...

Technically, I could wash the dishes by hand and just let the dishwasher be broken for a while, but that would just really suck.  Especially with all Will's bottles...

So, I Googled the error (LE error on an LG dishwasher), and found a Youtube video of a guy troubleshooting that type of error.  Score!

The video was a pretty good explanation, and I do know how to use a screwdriver (Like, totally!  Te-he!  Oh wait, isn't that an alcoholic drink?  [hair flip] Te-he Te-he!).  So, I probably could have unscrewed the front panel and looked at the wires... but that's probably about it (I hated all my required electrical engineering classes, it is just not my thing.  Capacitors.  Resistors.  Solder these wires.  Blah blah blah.  I'll show you where you can put this soldering iron! :-P).

So anyways, I posted the video on Facebook, asking if someone could fix it, half joking/half serious... I figured if someone thought they could fix it, then score, and if not, then I could deal with it later and just wash dishes by hand...

But somebody did offer to look at it!  Yay!  It's really hard for me to accept help from others, it's a serious hit to my pride, but this time, I really needed/wanted it.  So the next day, a friend from high school came over, looked at it, found the problem, and fixed it!!!  Woohoo!  I was so happy and so thankful!  He even offered to come back again soon to do a more permanent fix (because our dishwasher is stupid and the problem will keep happening).  That was so nice and generous!

So yeah, that's what's been going on.  I wish you were here to do all the manly stuff around the house...


Wednesday, October 9, 2013

So Much Good

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I wish so much that you could see all the people that care about you, me, and the kids.  I know you had absolutely no idea just how many lives you touched, and how highly people thought of you.

Basically, you are amazing.

I can hardly list all of the wonderful things that family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, and strangers have done for us.  It is insane.

We had dinner brought to us every night for almost 2 months!  There was such a variety of people that volunteered to do this. I could hardly believe all the people willing to take time to provide us with dinner.  This was such a blessing because of my lack of cooking skills.  Honestly, the kids and I have never eaten so good!  I bet you are a little jealous. :-)  Plus our freezer is pretty stocked with several future meals.  And on top of the meals, sometimes little extras were brought, like gift cards, ice cream, donuts, and beverages!  The dinners alone were overwhelmingly generous, but then there has even been more...

I had posted something on FB about this ice cream, and totally forgotten about it.  And then a few days later (or weeks, time kind of blends together right now), a wonderful neighbor brought it!  I can't believe she remembered and paid attention to that!  AMAZING!

Basically, the entire baby section from Meijer has been donated to us!  :-)  Seriously, our front room is overflowing with diapers and wipes for the babies.  Then there is baby cereal, baby food, baby formula, and toddler food/snacks.  We've also received baby wash, baby lotion, "butt stuff", Boogie wipes, and so many other baby necessities/accessories that I can't even name them without physically going to look at them all.  We've also been given lots and lots of clothes for the babies to wear.  All of this came from neighbors, friends, co-workers, and strangers!  Seriously, the daycare did a "diaper drive" for us, and we had just loads and loads and loads of stuff from people we've never even met!  Now aren't you glad I picked that daycare?  :-)  I am definitely happy to have our kids there!

These pictures don't even show everything!  I am in awe of how generous everyone has been.
Our first big drop off!  Holy sh*t!

Even more!

The girls had fun with the donations! :-)

I wish that you could have seen all of the people who came to your visitations and funerals.  There were A LOT of people that I had to hug and/or shake hands with.  A LOT of tears were flowing.  People drove a long way for you.  People were there that we hadn't seen in years.  So many friends from the Pew and GVSU.  So many people from Innotec.  So many people from Perrigo.  Teachers from daycare.  Not only that, people who don't even know you, they only know me, were there.  Old friends from my high school showed up. A lot of my co-workers were there.  Some people that I don't even think I've ever talked to from HMI were there.  And of course, your entire family, my entire family, and our closest friends and neighbors.  We even did a processional thing to the cemetery, and the line of cars went on for forever!  I know you never realized this, but you are kind of a popular guy... :-)

We've also been gifted/donated so many services!  Our landscaper offered to do the rest of the years lawn work at no charge.  One of our wonderful neighbors paid for our snowplowing this winter.  Another neighbor offered to pay for our "Mary Poppins" to give me an extra hand with the evening routine so my mom doesn't always have to come over.  And then this isn't really a service, but a new wedding band, that you had just picked out the week before as an anniversary gift!  Yeah, I can't even talk about that one without getting choked up...  I feel like there are more of this type of thing that I am forgetting and I feel bad.  But I am so so so appreciative of them all!

On top of all of this, there have been other fundraisers going on.  There was an online fundraiser.  I saw so many random people that I am not even friends with sharing the link for that.  There were messages on there like "I don't know you, but I saw this on FB"  or "We've never met, but I know so-and-so who told me about this."  Holy balls, I was not expecting that result.  And then your Perrigo friends organized something (I'm not sure what went on), and again, holy balls.  My coworkers opened a bank account for me, yup, you guessed it, holy balls.  And we've also received some just through the mail, h o l y  b a l l s...  These people have basically given us the gift of dealing with our emotions right now, so that we don't have to stress about "real life" for at least a little while.

There is also going to be a fundraiser event at a church near us.  A church that we have no affiliation with.  A member of the congregation somehow heard our "story" and decided he wanted to help.  What?!?!  This is another one I have a hard time talking about, because I am just overwhelmed by the generosity and kindness.  From a stranger!  Seriously, I have no words to express how thankful I am.

Oh, and have I mentioned the countless messages from Facebook friends.  People I haven't talked to in YEARS reached out to me.  People that YOU haven't talked to in years reached out to me.  I know social media gets a bad wrap (or is it rap?) sometimes, but right now, I am thankful for Facebook.  The news about you spread FAST.  And because of that, I have gotten so much support from friends online.  So many kind words.  There were so many messages, that I couldn't even respond to them all.  Well, I'm also a little absent-minded and scatterbrained, so sometimes I just completely forget to respond... But seriously, I appreciated EVERY SINGLE message, comment, or post that I read.  Plus, FB has been an "outlet" for me to say some of my stupid stuff that I can no longer talk about with you.  And people are putting up with my stupid stuff.  So that's good too!

We've also gotten so many cards in the mail.  I love getting real mail!  Friends sent me cards for our anniversary, to cheer me up.  There have been just funny, random cards that show up for no reason.  There have been so many sympathy cards for EVERYWHERE.  Seriously, sometimes I have to look at the return address and ask a few people how I know this person (or how this person knows us).  You honestly have no idea what an impact you have made on so many people out there.  It's been amazing.

And I can't forget the family.  Someone has pretty much been here for at least a few hours EVERY DAY to help with the babies.  Seriously, for over 2 months they have put in so much effort to be here for us.  They've cooked, they've cleaned, they've changed diapers, they've done laundry.  The bro-in-laws cleaned up the basement, and cleaned out the garage (yeah, you know that they are 2 scariest places where I can't touch anything without feeling contaminated!).  They even change the kitty litter for me!  I know the house looks like a disaster to them, but it's actually kind of "clean and organized" for our standards. :-)  Your mom and dad check up on us often too.  I know I can always message your mom about anything, and you would be proud of me that I actually talk on the phone with your dad!  I LITERALLY would not be able to go on without all of them.  Again, I just don't even have the right words to show how grateful I am that they are here for us.

And lastly, one of the most recent things... A bunch of our neighbors bought a swing-set for the babies!  Not only that, but they INSTALLED it too!  On the muggiest day ever!  They had to tear up all the sod from the area, which was probably more work than assembling the thing! :-)  And then they put wood chips down too. Plus, the week before they installed it, they power-raked and aerated the yard!  You should have seen all the people working on the yard.  All the neighbor kids were out there raking up the loose grass.  While I was just sitting in the shade, playing sidewalk paint with the babies. :-)  We really do live in the BEST NEIGHBORHOOD EVER!

Here are some pics of the install...

The beginning...


The super fun work of tearing out the sod...

There were so many people that came to help throughout the day!

Wood chips going in...

The finished product!!!!
So, I guess it was a good thing that the first weekend we moved in, you knocked on a neighbor's door and asked to borrow a wrench (or screwdriver, or something...), and how funny that the person happened to be an important person at a major home improvement store... And it's a good thing that you were like "You work for BMW, hey, I'm buying a BMW, we should talk about BMWs..."  And it's a good thing that we were like "You like to drink and have bonfires?  We do too!" :-)  You know they all loved you babe, and they are helping to take care of us too.

Ok, seriously, I am just SO freakin' AMAZED by the kindness and generosity of so many people.  There are A LOT of GOOD people in the world.  I am so glad we know some of them.  :-)  I wish I had better words and could write something super powerful to express my thanks.  Boo, maybe if you could pull some strings and get it so all of these people win the lotto or something, then that would show them! :-)  But for real, when I do a hair flip and say "Um, like, thanks or whatever, and some junk..."  I mean it from the bottom of my heart!


Tuesday, October 8, 2013


Hey Boo,

How's it going?

I don't really have much to say.  I am just feeling absolutely miserable.  I miss you like whoa.  I wish I could talk to you.  I need to talk to you.  I'm having a horrible day.  Ugh, this sucks.

I miss you.


Sunday, October 6, 2013

Stupid Grief

Hey boo,

How's it going?  Do I really even need to say how it's going with me?

So, ever since you've been gone, I've been hearing a lot about grief.  Grief this, grief that, grieving, blah blah blah.

In my opinion, grief is a really stupid word.

What does grief even mean?  Well, obviously we all know what it means, because we use it in the same context.  But for real, what is it?  Do you think this little 5 letter, 1 syllable word can even begin to encompass what grief is supposed to mean?  Because it doesn't.

I'm so sick of hearing about grief and grieving.  Seriously, that word sounds so insignificant to what is really going on.

Grief can kiss my ass.  I hate you, grief.  Fuck you, grief.  Seriously.  Fuck.  You.

I know, dropping the F-bomb, right?  You know how I feel about unnecessary swearing, but I think right now, it is totally necessary. Sometimes it is like swearing is the only thing strong enough to convey what I'm feeling.  If I said "screw you", I don't think it would show just how truly angry I really I am.  I am really FUCKING angry. FUCKING furious.  Ready to throw this FUCKING computer threw the FUCKING window because I am SO FUCKING MAD!
[Which reminds me, I'm pretty sure I swore at the doctor who delivered us the seriously SHITTY news.  I'm pretty sure I said something like "What the fuck" and I told him it was bullshit.  At least I didn't call him an asshole, I think I wanted to.]

Anyways... enough with my little spaz out...

Since that SHITTY ASS day, I have "Liked" the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation on Facebook.  Basically, it's a thing for widows (PS I hate that word too).  Anyways, they have a blog that I now follow, and a while back, they posted this about "grief".  The writer tried hard to describe what the stupid word "grief" can't really describe at all.  Even though it can't really be described, she did a really good job, and everything she said made sense.  I have actually come back and read this post several times.  So, that's why I'm sharing it with you.

So yeah, moral of the story, grief is a stupid word.  There is absolutely no word in the English language for what "this" actually is.

So babe, I am  __________.

I miss you.  I love you.