Basket Case

Hey boo,

How's it going?

I can feel myself starting to basket case about stuff. Yeah, I just used basket case as a verb, so what? :-)

a) The holidays are coming up. Which blows.

b) I'm pretty much jealous of everyone's "happy" life. Even if their happy life is really just fighting with thier husband, at least they have a husband to fight with.

c) Will is the same age as the girls were when you died. And just watching him makes me think of the girls at that age, and just how different life was. I also just look at him and remember how you don't even know him, and he doesn't know you. And it makes me so fricken angry and sad. Blah.

I went to Family Fare during lunch today, and I can't even remember what I saw in the store, but I know it made me all emotional, with that "about to cry" feeling that I had to push down. I think it might have been something about Christmas, or who knows what.

Basically, I'm at a crazy level of tired, so I can hardly think straight. I can never call the kids by the right name anymore, and sometimes I can hardly even get a sentence out to tell them what to do or answer a question.

I know I need to start taking care of myself and getting more sleep. But it's just hard to do. (Violet would say "It's hard to do though." It's something she says a lot.)

Anyway, bleh. I'm missing you. A lot a bit.

Ok, hearts.

Really?

Hey boo,

How's it going?

So, I was just in a stand-up meeting where the team debated if we should cross something out with an "X" or just white it out. For fifteen minutes.

Really?

An "X" or white-out. #EngineeringProblems

Just thought I'd share.

Miss you 100% of the time.

Hearts!

Highs and Low

Hey boo,

How's it going? I'm in a rut again.

That's how it is lately. I go through highs and lows.

During my highs, I'm just chugging along, going day to day, trying my best to make life good again.

During my lows, I'm a big, blah, ballface. I'm tired and I have no motivation. And it's so hard to pull myself out again.

Sometimes it helps to just have a good cry session, and that will pull me out of the rut. But sometimes that just exhausts me even more.

I'm blah right now because of Halloween. I see everyone's happy family pictures on FB, and I'm jealous. Our "happy family" picture is missing a part of our family. And I hate it. It's not fair.

I think about what we should be doing. Taking the kids trick-or-treating. Seeing how cute they look in their costumes. Carving pumpkins. And all that stuff. I hate it that you are missing all of this. And I hate that I'm doing it alone, or with my mom. Have I mentioned it's not fair.

And I feel like it's past the time that is "acceptable" to hurt so bad. Ever since I hit the 1-year mark, I've been trying so hard to get back to "normal." To pull my head out of my ass and start living again. But that doesn't mean it's not still hard, or that it doesn't still hurt so bad. It doesn't mean that I'm "OK" with what happened to us. And it doesn't mean I don't still miss you like crazy.

The last thing I used to say or think before I went to bed was that I was ready to wake up from this nightmare. Now the last thing I say is "Chaz, come home." I don't even know what I mean by that, or what I'd expect. I just want to go back to that last week, and have a re-do, to make it all better. I never, EVER thought that when you left that night, that you wouldn't be coming back.

This just sucks. And I hate that their is no relief from it. I keep going, and there are times when I think that I'm doing OK, that we are going to get through this. And then there are times where it's like, nope, not going to make it through the next 5 minutes.

Ugh... Anyway, the kids are going to wake up from nap soon, and I still need to eat lunch.

I miss you.

Hearts.