Hey Boo,
How's it going?
So, Will start crawling this week!!! Yay! :-)
But of course the whole thing gives me mixed emotions. I'm excited that he's crawling and that he reached a major milestone, but I'm so sad that you aren't here to see it...
And then it gets me thinking about all of the things the kids do, and how I feel like you're missing it, and I am missing it too! I feel like I am always in a hurry, rushing to make sure everything gets done.
We rush in the morning: Hurry up to get myself up and ready, then hurry to get everyone else up, diapers changed, clothes on, breakfast, shoes, coats, get in the car seats. Then we get to school and it's hurry up and get everyone out of the car, get everyone in to the building, get them into their classrooms and make sure all their "stuff" (like bottles, taggies, coats, hats, mittens) gets in the right spot at school too.
Then it's rush to work - and of course, work in general is just rush, rush, rush. Everyone wants everything done yesterday...
Then it's rush to school to pick up the kids - Hurry and get their coats, hats, and mittens on. Make sure they have their taggies. Try to keep them from running wild while I talk to the teacher. Hurry to get them in their carseat.
Then it's a rush to get home - Hurry home. Hurry to get them out of their carseats and into the house. Hurry to get Will's dinner ready. Hurry to get Violet and Charlotte's dinner ready. Hurry to get them into their high chairs. Hurry to get my dinner ready (if I even get a chance to eat, sometimes the girls are just too demanding for me to eat, or they have to eat the food off my plate, or eat with my fork).
Then it's rushing for the rest of our evening routine - Hurry and clean up after dinner. Hurry and get spas done. Hurry to do lotion, get diapers on, get jammies on, comb hair, q-tip ears, and brush teeth. Then it's hurry to get Will's bottle ready. Hurry and get the girls set up on their pillow pets to settle down.
Then it's rushing to get to bed - Hurry and put Will in his crib. Then hurry to get the girls upstairs, where they have to point to the "broken books" (which they broke by ripping apart), say "uh-oh" because the light is off and continue to say it until I turn it on, get in their cribs, arrange their purple dog and glow sea-horse and book, then lay down. Then Charlotte needs to kiss Violet. Then Charlotte needs to kiss me. Then Violet needs to kiss me. Then they both finally lay down and I can cover them up with a blanket and turn their glow sea-horses on. Then turn off the light and shut the door.
Yeah, it's pretty much rush, rush, rush. I hardly get to spend time with them. I feel like most people get to have fun during bath time, splashing around, putting their kids hair in mohawks and whatnot. But for me, it's always go, go, go, let's get down to business, wash, wash, wash, Ok, we're done. There is no time for playing...
On my days off, it's not as bad... but there are still certain points in the day where I feel rushed. Like breakfast, trying to get everyone fed before they freak out. Lunch, again, trying to get everyone fed before they freak out. Which leads to nap time, and that can be a headache because the girls don't always go to sleep. Then I'm trying to eat much lunch while trying to keep Will entertained. Then dinner time, which leads into our usual night time routine.
On those days, I am always bummed because I never get one-on-one time with any of the kids. The girls are always jealous of each other and/or Will. There is always 2 or 3 kids trying to get my attention. I feel like I never get to really notice the kids. I never get to really look at them and see how they are growing and what they are doing. I feel like I'm just on the "surface" parenting, and I'm not getting into it too "deeply", if that makes sense.
So, that is why I feel like I'm missing out on everything too.
There are times when I remember this, and I try hard to slow down, and really "look" at the kids. One. At. A. Time. But it's hard, and the moment still passes by too quickly.
I remember before, when you would be feeding the girls at the table, and I would be nursing brother on the couch, I would stare at you guys. I was trying to burn that image of the 3 of you at the table in my mind. Not for your sake, but for the girls sake. So that I would always remember what it was like when they were little. Now I'm glad that I did that, because I'll always remember what it was like when you were here. I need to burn more images into my mind, because time is going by way too quick.
I guess it's just me, and I need to try harder to slow down... Remind me to bring this up in therapy this week, to see if she has any tips on what I can do to work on this...
Anyways, I miss you so much. Is this real life?
Hearts.
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