Merry Fricken Christmas

Hi Boo,

Well, merry fricken Christmas...

Blah.  The holidays now officially suck.  I'm lucky that our kids are still too young to realize that it is Christmas time, and this is the time of year for happy happy happy, cheery cheery cheery, fa la la la la, and all that crap.

Ugh...

But of course, I don't let on how I feel about the holidays.  On the outside, I've got my "Sarah" mask on, pretending everything is the same as it was, that life is good.  But on the inside, I feel like I'm being ripped to shreds, and I pretty much just want to throw my middle fingers in the air and say "F-ck this holiday."  I did boycott Facebook today though.   I popped on for a few minutes once today, and I couldn't handle everyone's happy pictures and statuses, so I was like, nope.  Peace out Facebook.

I've worked hard to get through this.  I really am seriously trying.  I've been working on another email for a while now to explain to you how I've been trying to get through this.  I've just been so blah on the inside that I can't even find the words to email you.  Although I  have about a million conversations a day with you in my head...

I just wish I could ACTUALLY have a conversation with you.

I made it though our anniversary.  I made it through Halloween.  I made it through Thanksgiving.  I made it through Christmas Eve.  And I'm about to make it through Christmas Day.   I have one more holiday to get through in the next week, and then I'll have a few weeks off before another happy day that will now feel like doom and gloom.

Although I've already started seeing signs of that approaching holiday in the stores... Remember how I used to see that stuff and say "My birthday's coming up!"  Sigh...

Anyways, I actually have a bunch of different emails to you "in progress" right now.  Maybe I'll find the motivation to finish getting my words out soon...

But until then, just know that I miss you.  I love you.  My entire being aches to have you here... (<-- I know, that sounds cheesy, but that is really how it is.  I literally ache all over from missing you so much.)

Love.