I Can't Focus

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I'm a fricken mess.

I knew this time of year was going to be hard, but man, it is HARD.

I made it through your birthday.  I kept myself busy and distracted.  And of course, I always make it through every holiday.  I don't think anyone has ever died of a broken heart, even if I feel like I might sometime.

But now we're approaching the one-year mark, and I can hardly handle it.

I had a doctor appt this morning to review some new meds I started on a month ago.  Now I'm on a combo of 2 anti-depressants, and it has really helped with the rut I was in.  It's lifted my mood and I wasn't sas irritable and blah all the time.

But of course, in the appt, we have to talk about my current situation and she asked how long it had been.  I told her it was almost a year, and she asked what I was planning to do.  I said I have no idea, probably just cry.  She said that's totally fine.

But any time I really talk about stuff, it just screws me up so bad.  So of course I was bawling the entire way to work.  I pulled it together enough to get in the building, get to my desk, and start working.

But all I could do was stare at my computer.  I just CAN'T focus.

Then a helicopter flew over head.  And I imagine what I feel when I hear a helicopter is what they portray Vietnam vets having flashbacks is like.  It seriously sends me into a panic/anxiety attack.

I was sitting at my desk with my eyes scrunched closed trying to block it out, but of course, that was impossible.  So I got up and went to the bathroom, and just lost it.  I was sitting in the stall crying my eyes out.

But I can't sit there forever.  First of all, someone was bound to come in soon, and I don't feel like answering a ton of questions, or just feeling awkward from crying with them not saying anything.

So again, I try to pull it together and get back to my desk.  I managed to print a few things off, but again, I was just staring at my computer, lost in thoughts of what life was like a year ago.

And it makes me miserable.  Such a happy time was suddenly replaced with the worst time, and I have no control over it.  A year ago, we were making plans, going out, laughing, having fun, just loving our average little life.

I want that back so bad.

So of course, I couldn't stop the tears from flowing at my desk.  I might have stayed at my desk if it wasn't so open to everyone, and if I was sniffling and doing the weird breathing thing when you try to hold back sobs.

So I quickly grabbed my papers and popped  my laptop off the dock in search of a private conference room.  Fortunately I only passed 1 person on the way, and they know my situation, so they didn't say anything about my bright red, crying face.

So now, here I sit, in a little personal conference room.  I thought I would be able to work in here and just cry at the same time.  I've done it before.

But I seriously can't pull my head together.  I am so lost.  I'm such a mess.  I don't know what I'm going to do over these next few weeks.  I can hardly do my job.

Oh shit, and the helicopter is flying over again right now.

Ugh... What am I going to do?!?!?!

I miss you so much!  So so so so so so so so much!!!!

Hearts.

Scrambled Eggs

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I'm a ball of stress...

So, I feel like I haven't emailed you in a while... I've just been so blah lately.  I have a lot I want to tell you, but then I get too depressed to even write it because I'm like, what's the point?

But I want to keep emailing you so "publicly" to show what my life is like now, and to share my feelings that I can't always say.  I've gotten a lot of support from others by emailing you, since you aren't here to give me that support anymore...

So yeah, here's my email...

You're birthday came and went.  I cried and laughed.  I missed you like whoa.  But I made it through, just like all the other holidays that I've survived.

You're mom was here that day.  We had a cake, and sang Happy Birthday.  Really, I sang it because I don't think your mom could handle it, and my voice was definitely choked up by the end of it.  Quite the depressing little birthday party...

I visited the cemetery.  I brought you a Dr. Pepper.  I drank half of it. :-)  But we always shared like that.

Then the 11-month mark passed.  I just have no words for that.  All I can do is shake my head in disbelief that this is still really happening.  I'm still waiting to wake up from this nightmare.  I seriously wish it every night before I go to bed.

Now I'm dealing with crazy grown-up stuff that I hate dealing with.  Plus, my brain is just moosh anyways.  Which I hate saying considering your cause of death.  In fact, I hate talking about anything brain related.  I definitely stopped using  one our favorite phrases for when we are being stupid - "brain damage."

Ugh, but seriously, my head is scrambled eggs right now.  I have 9827980431751 thoughts running through my head at any one moment.  I'm just a mess.

Alright, that's it for now.

I miss you.

Hearts!