Monday, July 21, 2014

I Can't Focus

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I'm a fricken mess.

I knew this time of year was going to be hard, but man, it is HARD.

I made it through your birthday.  I kept myself busy and distracted.  And of course, I always make it through every holiday.  I don't think anyone has ever died of a broken heart, even if I feel like I might sometime.

But now we're approaching the one-year mark, and I can hardly handle it.

I had a doctor appt this morning to review some new meds I started on a month ago.  Now I'm on a combo of 2 anti-depressants, and it has really helped with the rut I was in.  It's lifted my mood and I wasn't sas irritable and blah all the time.

But of course, in the appt, we have to talk about my current situation and she asked how long it had been.  I told her it was almost a year, and she asked what I was planning to do.  I said I have no idea, probably just cry.  She said that's totally fine.

But any time I really talk about stuff, it just screws me up so bad.  So of course I was bawling the entire way to work.  I pulled it together enough to get in the building, get to my desk, and start working.

But all I could do was stare at my computer.  I just CAN'T focus.

Then a helicopter flew over head.  And I imagine what I feel when I hear a helicopter is what they portray Vietnam vets having flashbacks is like.  It seriously sends me into a panic/anxiety attack.

I was sitting at my desk with my eyes scrunched closed trying to block it out, but of course, that was impossible.  So I got up and went to the bathroom, and just lost it.  I was sitting in the stall crying my eyes out.

But I can't sit there forever.  First of all, someone was bound to come in soon, and I don't feel like answering a ton of questions, or just feeling awkward from crying with them not saying anything.

So again, I try to pull it together and get back to my desk.  I managed to print a few things off, but again, I was just staring at my computer, lost in thoughts of what life was like a year ago.

And it makes me miserable.  Such a happy time was suddenly replaced with the worst time, and I have no control over it.  A year ago, we were making plans, going out, laughing, having fun, just loving our average little life.

I want that back so bad.

So of course, I couldn't stop the tears from flowing at my desk.  I might have stayed at my desk if it wasn't so open to everyone, and if I was sniffling and doing the weird breathing thing when you try to hold back sobs.

So I quickly grabbed my papers and popped  my laptop off the dock in search of a private conference room.  Fortunately I only passed 1 person on the way, and they know my situation, so they didn't say anything about my bright red, crying face.

So now, here I sit, in a little personal conference room.  I thought I would be able to work in here and just cry at the same time.  I've done it before.

But I seriously can't pull my head together.  I am so lost.  I'm such a mess.  I don't know what I'm going to do over these next few weeks.  I can hardly do my job.

Oh shit, and the helicopter is flying over again right now.

Ugh... What am I going to do?!?!?!

I miss you so much!  So so so so so so so so much!!!!


1 comment:

  1. I'm praying for you tonight and I promise to keep doing so. If you need something... someone to talk or cry to.... someone to clean your bathroom.... someone to come over and let my kids hang with your kids while you take some alone time.... I'm here. My heart hurts thinking about the fact that it's almost been one year and I constantly think about you. So many reminders of you, Chaz and the kids.

    Praying. ❤