1 Year

Hey boo,

How's it going? I'm sure you can guess how I'm feeling...

It's been 1 year. One fricken year.

And it STILL does not seem real.

Will it ever?

I look at pictures of you, and I think is it really possible that I haven't seen your face in an entire year?

That I haven't felt your scruffy beard, or your ooo la la freshly shaved face. That I haven't touched your "funny ear" or shown you how your nose is as long as my finger. Or touched your "bowling ball head" after getting a hair cut.

That I haven't complained about your "sock fuzzies" on the carpet, or heard you "rip ass" from across the room. I haven't had to ask you to shut the door when you're "painting a picasso."

I haven't heard you laugh, or heard the way you clear your throat when you get all emotional and don't want to cry.I haven't heard the garage door open and told the kids "Yay, Daddy's home!" I haven't had to caution you when you throw the kids up in the air.

I haven't had you talk to me about NASCAR or walked by you to see you on jayski.com. I haven't heard the phone ring, and known that it was you calling to ask what was for dinner or if you should pick something up.

There hasn't been an email in my inbox telling me what time the kids got checked in at school. Or an email telling me how tired you are. Or an email telling me you loved me. There hasn't been any emails at all, except these ones that I write to you.

We haven't watched Friends bloopers on youtube before bed. Or played "name that artist" to those dorky music collection infomercials. I haven't told you what happened on Ellen today, or what episode of Daniel Tiger we watched.

I haven't heard you ask me "How was work?" and I haven't had to reply "The usual."

You haven't randomly played some song from our younger years on youtube for me. And I haven't heard you take the first sip of your Dr. Pepper and say "aaaahhhhh..."

We haven't talked about our past. And we haven't talked about our future.

It's just me.

Trying to live the future we had planned for our family. Our family of FIVE. It's not right that there are only 4 of us here to live our hopes and dreams. It's just. not. right.

I can't believe how much emptiness can hurt. It's paralyzing pain.

1 year. One year of torture. One year of hell on Earth. One year.

I didn't think I could make it through 1 day, let alone a year. I still have times where I'm not sure I can make it through the next hour.

It's still just 30 seconds at a time.

I've made it through 1 year, 30 seconds at a time.

I miss you. I ache for you. I just want to put my head on your chest and for you to give me a hug.

I love you. Love. Lovebuckets. Hearts.