Change is a brewin'

Hey boo,

How's it going? In general, it's the same ol', same ol' over here, but change is also beginning too.

I think things will definitely be changing over the next year for me. Or, at least I hope they will be.

I've been working on figuring what I want to be when I grow up, and I am slowly moving in that direction. I know it won't fix things for me, but I think it is actually something that might help make life more bearable.

I'm not sitting around waiting for opportunities to fall in my lap, but if you are somewhere that you can pull some strings, try to help me move in the right direction as I search.

I always have a hard time when people say "things happen for a reason." I have trouble subscribing to that idea because why are such horrible monsters of people allowed to exist while a loving father gets taken away? But then sometimes I wonder if I am supposed to be doing something great. I won't be changing the world, but I might make a difference for a few people that could help the generations following them.

Kind of like a ripple, I guess. If I help 2 people, and then they each help 2 more, and then those people each help another 2, before you know it, that could be a major impact.

But then I step back and think, well, I could have done that with you here! Was this the slap in the face I needed to push me towards that? Because it was way more than a slap, it was more like getting hit by a train...

Anyways, I miss you so much. I never stop getting the urge to really email you. Or have that split second thought that when I get an email notification, it might be something from you. Will that ever go away?

The kids miss you too. Will is talking so much, and I realized I never taught him how to say Daddy, so I've been working with him more on that. He says "Dah-dee!" And when I show him a picture and say "Where's Daddy?" He points to you and says "Dare!" (which means "there.")

Violet loves to ask questions. We have a family picture hanging on the wall, and when I'm standing by it, she says "2 mommies!" (which might be strange if she starts saying that in public.) But it's because there is a mommy in the picture and a mommy standing in real life.

And then she says "Daddy!" And I say "Yup, there's Daddy in the picture." And she asks "Where is Daddy though?" (though is one of her favorite words, she says it a lot at the end of sentences.) And I say "Remember, Daddy died." And she says "Why?" And I say, "Because he got very, very, very, very, very, very, very sick." (the "books" say to use a bazillion "verys" so that kids know the difference between regular sick, and won't think they are going to die when they have a cold or something.) And she says "Why?" And I say "Because he got a big, big, big, big, big, big owie and his body wouldn't work anymore." (again, something the books say to say.) And she says "Why?" And I finally just have to say "I don't know baby..."

I wish I knew "Why?"

Anyways, that's it for now. I miss you.

Hearts.