Blah...

Hey boo,

How's it going? I'm blah.

I have no motivation. I'm tired. I'm "cement."

It's been a horribly unproductive night. And I have a to-do list that is so long I can't even see the end of it.

So... we have to get our backyard regraded.  I know, you're thinking "Well, no shit!"

Yes, I know we've always known that, but we were too cheap to ever take care of it after our landscaping was completed.

Well, now we have neighbors. And I guess we're the cause of their "wash out problem" according to their landscaping company.

So now I'm waiting on an estimate to get our backyard regraded. Awesome.

It's a good and bad thing. We've always known about the problem, and we always wanted to take care of it, but we never did because we weren't motivated, and we were cheap, and there just wasn't a need for it. So I'm actually glad to get it done. The kids will actually be able to play on the swingset because our backyard will (hopefully) be dry.

But it's also like, oh shit, unplanned expense. And I'm slightly annoyed that I have to get it fixed because it's hurting my neighbors yard. Technically, we could live with a wet backyard... But I'll be nice and get it taken care of...

So yeah, whatevs...

And the kids are making me bonkers. Well, mostly just the girls. Will is so low-maintenance. The girls just do NOT listen anymore. It's like there was a wall built between me and them so they can't hear me or something.

I start out nice, like "Hey Char, come over here so I can put your hair in a ponytail please." She looks at me like whatever, and continues to do whatever she is doing, typically reading a book or playing blocks or something.

So then I'm like "Charlotte, I need to put your hair in ponytail. Come. Here. Please." In a little bit angrier tone. I hear "No!" or "I don't want a ponytail!"

Me, still trying to maintain my cool: "I'm sorry, but I have to put a ponytail in your hair before school so your hair isn't all crazy in your face."

Charlotte: ignores me.

Me: "Charlotte. Come here." More pissed.

No response.

"Charlotte! Can you here me?!?! I said COME HERE. NOW!"

No response.

Yes, I know I've made it worse by starting to yell. But we are ALWAYS late in the morning. I'm so tired all the time, it's so hard for me to get out of bed when the alarm goes off. Which means we all wake up late.

So I'm always rushing, and never thinking. I even try to tell them that we are very late and we need to hurry. But they like to move at their own pace.

Yes, they are toddlers. They are 2 (almost 3, eeek!). But still, it is so frustrating when you want something done, and they don't do it.

That is the #1 reason I yell. When they don't listen. I can't fricken stand it.

So anyways, we had that tonight at bedtime.

"Charlotte, lay down and I'll snuggle you in."
"No, I wanna sit!"
"Ok, well if you don't lay down, then I'm going downstairs."
"No, lay on the floor with us!" (I typically lay on the floor and read a book for 10-15 minutes, sometimes way longer, when they are going to sleep).
"Ok, well, then you need to be laying down and close your eyes."
"No, I wanna sit!"
"Charlotte, you can lay down and close your eyes and I'll stay in here with you, but if you stay sitting then I'm going downstairs." (word on the street is that giving them options is supposed to help. It never does for us, I must suck at giving them choices or something).
"No!"
"Ok, then I'm going downstairs. I love you, nigh-nigh." And I walk out and close the door.
Commence screaming crying! "SNUGGLE ME IN! MAAAHHHHMAAAAHHH! SNUGGLE ME IN!"
I try to be tough, and let her scream. But it's hard for me. It's like, I don't want to go to bed 'mad at each other.' So after 5 minutes, I usually go in. But by then, she's at the point of no return, and she is a crying screaming mess. So there is just a bunch of back and forth, power struggle, for the next 30 minutes while I try to get her to go to bed.

Meanwhile, Violet is in her crib saying "Momma, I not crying." Me: "I know, Violet. Thank you for not crying."
Violet: "That make you happy though?"
"Yes, Violet. It makes me happy that you are not crying."
"Charlotte's crying."
"I know sweetie, I hear her."
"Why Charlotte crying?"
"I don't know sweetie. I guess she's feeling sad."
"I not sad Momma."
"Good, I'm glad."

Anyway, I just wish you were here to see all this madness. I wonder how you would be reacting to all this. I wonder how things would be different if you had been here the past year.

I look at Will, and I wonder what you would think of him. I have hardly any memories of you and Will together, because Will was always with me for his first 4 months. So it's a lot harder for me to imagine what you'd be thinking. I know you'd love him so much though. He is so stinkin' cute, it hurts. He's my little man and my baby, all in one. I'd like to think that you'd love to rough-house with him, and wrestle and be tough. You know, stereotypical boy stuff. But he's kind of a pansy I think. I know, I'm sorry. I know you wouldn't want it that way.

A part of me is OK with him being gentle and sensitive. I'm OK with the fact that his lovie is a pink girl bunny. I'm OK with the fact that when I pick him up from school, he's playing with baby dolls. I'm OK with the fact that he pushes strollers around and that most of the toys he plays with are pink.

But still... There is that part of me that wants a little bit of toughness, a little bit of manliness for him. I don't want him to be so one-sided, I guess... I want a good balance between sensitive and tough. I want him to be well-rounded.

Anyways, this was all sorts of random. And I accomplished nothing. I could have at least tried to go to bed early or something...

Oh well... I miss you.

Hearts.