Monday, October 27, 2014

In My Dreams

Hey Boo,

How's it going? I'm just the usual...

So, I had a "dream" about you last night. I put it in quotes because it just seemed so real, but now it's starting to fade, so I can never distinguish if it was a dream or not. This was my second time something like this happened. Although I have had one other actual dream before.

What I've realized is that even in my dreams, I know you are dead. I think this whole thing has affected me so deeply that my brain can't even imagine a life where none of this ever happened. It just can't create a fairy tale.

So anyway, what I remember about last nights dream is just bits and pieces.

First, I remember a hand. That's all I can "see," but really, I can't even see it, it was more of just a sense. It was like I was touching a hand, when suddenly I realized that it felt just like your hand. I felt the fingers and put my palm against the hand's palm and it was just like your hand. And then it was like I was squeezing your hand, trying so hard to figure out if it was really yours. And then you did your typical "double squeeze" thing to my hand to say "love you," so I did my typical response of a "single squeeze" back to mean "love." And I knew it was you. And it was awesome.

Next, I remember hearing your voice. And I was thinking, oh my word, it's Chaz's voice. It sounds just like Chaz. And it's like I knew you were next to me in bed. I can't remember what you said though. And again, I can't remember seeing you, it was more of just a feeling. Like I could feel the weight of you next to me.

The last part I remember is you standing by the bedroom window. I feel like you were telling me to look at something. I couldn't see exactly you, it was more like a silhouette. The blinds to our window were open, and I could see the sky from where I was laying, and it was nighttime still, but the sky was a really pretty color, like a dark blue but with light shining. It's hard to explain because it was almost like something that is only in a cartoon or picture. It is definitely not like any sky I've ever seen in real life.

Anyway, you were telling me to look at something, but I didn't want to. I was scared. I was hiding my head under the covers, not wanting to look, and I didn't want you to go, I wanted you to come back.

And that's all I remember.

So yeah, that's it. It was so awesome and so horrible at the same time. I loved hearing your voice and feeling your hand. And while it makes me feel good, I am also just so sad and missing you so much more today.

And I'm stuck wondering if that was just a dream, or was it something more? I'd like to think it was something more, and that you were coming to visit me, but my personality just struggles with it still.

Well, that's it for now. I'll write about my other "dreams" another time.

I miss you.


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