Sunday, April 6, 2014

8 Months

Hey boo,

How's it going?

Well, it's been 8 months of pure hell.  Absolute HELL.

I am still baffled that this is now my life.  My life without my best friend.  My other half.  My partner in crime.

I miss you so much.

It still feels like you are about to walk through the door.  That I'll here the garage door open and say to the kids "Daddy's home!"  and then the girls would go running to the gate between the living room and the kitchen with giant smiles and say "Dada!!!"

How is it that you've been gone for 8 months, but it still feels like you should be here?  Because you SHOULD be here!  I've said it before, and I'll say it again, this is complete bullshit that you are not here.

This week is going to bring me even deeper into hell because I have NO help except for the 2 evenings that Ms Brittney comes.  My mom decided to go on spring break with T's family.  So I've been pretty much left in the dust.  Tonight I had to give the girls spa while Will SCREAMED his head off.  I had to stick him in the exersaucer in the hallway in front of the bathroom door so he wouldn't be somewhere just unattended for 15 minutes, but he is way too big for the exersaucer now, and way to independent.  He doesn't like to be trapped in one spot.  But what other choice did I have?

Let's just say the echoing of his screaming off the bathroom walls, along with the girls taking cups full of water and pouring them outside the tub, made it for the MOST stressful, horrendous, frustrating, spa time ever.  I'm pretty sure the kids are going to hate me because I am ALWAYS angry.  I am ALWAYS yelling at them.  And tonight I just got to show them even more of Angry Momma.

Speaking of the kids, please forgive me for what I've fed them in the past 8 months.  Or even in the past few days!  This weekend, I gave them McDonalds TWICE, and ordered pizza once, which they then had the leftovers for dinner tonight.  At least tonight I threw in a banana on the side of their pizza, so that added something healthy, right?

How many ways can I screw up our kids?

This week is also going to be extra hell-ish because Will's birthday is Tuesday.  I can't even explain how I feel about him turning 1 without you here.  Seriously, I started talking about this in therapy over a month ago, because I literally could not think about it without crying.  I still can't.

At his birthday party, I just didn't let it sink in what was really going on.  I just went through the motions of it all.  I look at the pictures of that day and I can't help but laugh at how fake it is.  What an illusion it is compared to how I was really feeling.

But that's what my life is now.  Just a big illusion.  There are no pictures of after everyone goes home when the party is over, when I literally lay in the middle of the kitchen floor, sobbing my head off for an hour.  I wonder what the Facebook world would think of that?...

And on top of all this, I'm sick.  I don't know if it's allergies or a cold or what, but I'm sneezing and snotty nosed, my throat hurts, and I'm coughing all the time.  So yeah, awesome.

8... Fricken... Months...

Well, I guess I'll just go to bed hoping the same thing I do every night... That when I wake up, this will all have been the worst nightmare ever.  But you will be here for me to tell you about it...


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