Today is Will's Birthday...

Hey boo,

How's it going?

So, it's Will's birthday today...

Sigh...

I just have no words for this day.

People keep telling me it's bitter-sweet... Let's just add that to the list of words I don't like, along with grief and widow...

It just doesn't do this feeling justice.

And I'm pretty sure if anything, I'm feeling way more bitter than I am feeling sweet... Which makes me feel even MORE bitter, because I can hardly enjoy or cherish our son's first birthday.  It's a snowball effect or something like that...

I tried to do some extra special things for Will, considering his crappy first year.  I don't know, for some reason I thought that might make up for it a little... He missed out on so much, maybe tacking on these few extra details that the girls didn't get would even things out... Yeah, it didn't really work like that...

But they did help distract me from the actual feelings of this approaching day.  And I am glad I have those things, because even if they don't mean much to him, they mean a whole lot to me.

Well, now the day is here, and let me tell you, it sucks.

I cried during breakfast when we sang him "Happy Birthday."

I was able to make it to the car after dropping him off at daycare before I lost it.

And I've pretty much been crying off and on the rest of the day.

It's. Just. Not. Fair.

You should be here for this.  It's not even like Will would remember, but WE would remember.  It would always be special to US.  First birthdays are more about the parents than the child anyways, right?

First birthdays are an emotional thing on their own.  But adding on that you're not here... Oh man, I can't even describe what it does to me.

Sigh...

I miss you like crazy... Hearts.