Hey boo,
How's it going?
So, Taylor Swift has a new song playing on the radio. And of course, I have to rock out to it.
I just want to NOT like her!
But then I do!
I'm a closet Taylor Swift fan. Don't be mad at me. :-P
Ok, hearts!
Monday, August 25, 2014
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Happy Miserable
Hey boo,
How's it going? I'm just missing you as always...
I still constantly have the urge to email you, or think "I want to tell Chaz that" after something funny/stupid/sad/annoying/whatever happens.
It sucks.
So, I've got my Pandora playing right now, and of course, a Justin Timberlake song comes on. It's from Part 1 of the 20/20 Experience CD... I bought it when I was preggo with Will, and listened to it constantly in my car while I was driving.
So anytime I hear a song from it, it always reminds me of being pregnant, in the cold yucky winter months of February and March.
It was such a "happy miserable" time. You know I always complained of being miserable when I was pregnant. But I also loved it at the same time. It was misery worth having, so that made it happy and good.
So, a part of me doesn't want to listen to these songs, because I want them to ALWAYS remind me of that time. I want them to always give me the feelings that I had during those last few months of pregnancy.
But then another part of me does want to listen to them, so that I do have those feelings right now. But I just don't want these songs to get tainted, and lose their "magic."
I don't know, it's a weird and complicated to explain. I guess it's more of that Jukebox Therapy stuff going on...
I miss you.
Hearts.
How's it going? I'm just missing you as always...
I still constantly have the urge to email you, or think "I want to tell Chaz that" after something funny/stupid/sad/annoying/whatever happens.
It sucks.
So, I've got my Pandora playing right now, and of course, a Justin Timberlake song comes on. It's from Part 1 of the 20/20 Experience CD... I bought it when I was preggo with Will, and listened to it constantly in my car while I was driving.
So anytime I hear a song from it, it always reminds me of being pregnant, in the cold yucky winter months of February and March.
It was such a "happy miserable" time. You know I always complained of being miserable when I was pregnant. But I also loved it at the same time. It was misery worth having, so that made it happy and good.
So, a part of me doesn't want to listen to these songs, because I want them to ALWAYS remind me of that time. I want them to always give me the feelings that I had during those last few months of pregnancy.
But then another part of me does want to listen to them, so that I do have those feelings right now. But I just don't want these songs to get tainted, and lose their "magic."
I don't know, it's a weird and complicated to explain. I guess it's more of that Jukebox Therapy stuff going on...
I miss you.
Hearts.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
1 Year
Hey boo,
How's it going? I'm sure you can guess how I'm feeling...
It's been 1 year. One fricken year.
And it STILL does not seem real.
Will it ever?
I look at pictures of you, and I think is it really possible that I haven't seen your face in an entire year?
That I haven't felt your scruffy beard, or your ooo la la freshly shaved face. That I haven't touched your "funny ear" or shown you how your nose is as long as my finger. Or touched your "bowling ball head" after getting a hair cut.
That I haven't complained about your "sock fuzzies" on the carpet, or heard you "rip ass" from across the room. I haven't had to ask you to shut the door when you're "painting a picasso."
I haven't heard you laugh, or heard the way you clear your throat when you get all emotional and don't want to cry.I haven't heard the garage door open and told the kids "Yay, Daddy's home!" I haven't had to caution you when you throw the kids up in the air.
I haven't had you talk to me about NASCAR or walked by you to see you on jayski.com. I haven't heard the phone ring, and known that it was you calling to ask what was for dinner or if you should pick something up.
There hasn't been an email in my inbox telling me what time the kids got checked in at school. Or an email telling me how tired you are. Or an email telling me you loved me. There hasn't been any emails at all, except these ones that I write to you.
We haven't watched Friends bloopers on youtube before bed. Or played "name that artist" to those dorky music collection infomercials. I haven't told you what happened on Ellen today, or what episode of Daniel Tiger we watched.
I haven't heard you ask me "How was work?" and I haven't had to reply "The usual."
You haven't randomly played some song from our younger years on youtube for me. And I haven't heard you take the first sip of your Dr. Pepper and say "aaaahhhhh..."
We haven't talked about our past. And we haven't talked about our future.
It's just me.
Trying to live the future we had planned for our family. Our family of FIVE. It's not right that there are only 4 of us here to live our hopes and dreams. It's just. not. right.
I can't believe how much emptiness can hurt. It's paralyzing pain.
1 year. One year of torture. One year of hell on Earth. One year.
I didn't think I could make it through 1 day, let alone a year. I still have times where I'm not sure I can make it through the next hour.
It's still just 30 seconds at a time.
I've made it through 1 year, 30 seconds at a time.
I miss you. I ache for you. I just want to put my head on your chest and for you to give me a hug.
I love you. Love. Lovebuckets. Hearts.
How's it going? I'm sure you can guess how I'm feeling...
It's been 1 year. One fricken year.
And it STILL does not seem real.
Will it ever?
I look at pictures of you, and I think is it really possible that I haven't seen your face in an entire year?
That I haven't felt your scruffy beard, or your ooo la la freshly shaved face. That I haven't touched your "funny ear" or shown you how your nose is as long as my finger. Or touched your "bowling ball head" after getting a hair cut.
That I haven't complained about your "sock fuzzies" on the carpet, or heard you "rip ass" from across the room. I haven't had to ask you to shut the door when you're "painting a picasso."
I haven't heard you laugh, or heard the way you clear your throat when you get all emotional and don't want to cry.I haven't heard the garage door open and told the kids "Yay, Daddy's home!" I haven't had to caution you when you throw the kids up in the air.
I haven't had you talk to me about NASCAR or walked by you to see you on jayski.com. I haven't heard the phone ring, and known that it was you calling to ask what was for dinner or if you should pick something up.
There hasn't been an email in my inbox telling me what time the kids got checked in at school. Or an email telling me how tired you are. Or an email telling me you loved me. There hasn't been any emails at all, except these ones that I write to you.
We haven't watched Friends bloopers on youtube before bed. Or played "name that artist" to those dorky music collection infomercials. I haven't told you what happened on Ellen today, or what episode of Daniel Tiger we watched.
I haven't heard you ask me "How was work?" and I haven't had to reply "The usual."
You haven't randomly played some song from our younger years on youtube for me. And I haven't heard you take the first sip of your Dr. Pepper and say "aaaahhhhh..."
We haven't talked about our past. And we haven't talked about our future.
It's just me.
Trying to live the future we had planned for our family. Our family of FIVE. It's not right that there are only 4 of us here to live our hopes and dreams. It's just. not. right.
I can't believe how much emptiness can hurt. It's paralyzing pain.
1 year. One year of torture. One year of hell on Earth. One year.
I didn't think I could make it through 1 day, let alone a year. I still have times where I'm not sure I can make it through the next hour.
It's still just 30 seconds at a time.
I've made it through 1 year, 30 seconds at a time.
I miss you. I ache for you. I just want to put my head on your chest and for you to give me a hug.
I love you. Love. Lovebuckets. Hearts.
Monday, July 21, 2014
I Can't Focus
Hey boo,
How's it going? I'm a fricken mess.
I knew this time of year was going to be hard, but man, it is HARD.
I made it through your birthday. I kept myself busy and distracted. And of course, I always make it through every holiday. I don't think anyone has ever died of a broken heart, even if I feel like I might sometime.
But now we're approaching the one-year mark, and I can hardly handle it.
I had a doctor appt this morning to review some new meds I started on a month ago. Now I'm on a combo of 2 anti-depressants, and it has really helped with the rut I was in. It's lifted my mood and I wasn't sas irritable and blah all the time.
But of course, in the appt, we have to talk about my current situation and she asked how long it had been. I told her it was almost a year, and she asked what I was planning to do. I said I have no idea, probably just cry. She said that's totally fine.
But any time I really talk about stuff, it just screws me up so bad. So of course I was bawling the entire way to work. I pulled it together enough to get in the building, get to my desk, and start working.
But all I could do was stare at my computer. I just CAN'T focus.
Then a helicopter flew over head. And I imagine what I feel when I hear a helicopter is what they portray Vietnam vets having flashbacks is like. It seriously sends me into a panic/anxiety attack.
I was sitting at my desk with my eyes scrunched closed trying to block it out, but of course, that was impossible. So I got up and went to the bathroom, and just lost it. I was sitting in the stall crying my eyes out.
But I can't sit there forever. First of all, someone was bound to come in soon, and I don't feel like answering a ton of questions, or just feeling awkward from crying with them not saying anything.
So again, I try to pull it together and get back to my desk. I managed to print a few things off, but again, I was just staring at my computer, lost in thoughts of what life was like a year ago.
And it makes me miserable. Such a happy time was suddenly replaced with the worst time, and I have no control over it. A year ago, we were making plans, going out, laughing, having fun, just loving our average little life.
I want that back so bad.
So of course, I couldn't stop the tears from flowing at my desk. I might have stayed at my desk if it wasn't so open to everyone, and if I was sniffling and doing the weird breathing thing when you try to hold back sobs.
So I quickly grabbed my papers and popped my laptop off the dock in search of a private conference room. Fortunately I only passed 1 person on the way, and they know my situation, so they didn't say anything about my bright red, crying face.
So now, here I sit, in a little personal conference room. I thought I would be able to work in here and just cry at the same time. I've done it before.
But I seriously can't pull my head together. I am so lost. I'm such a mess. I don't know what I'm going to do over these next few weeks. I can hardly do my job.
Oh shit, and the helicopter is flying over again right now.
Ugh... What am I going to do?!?!?!
I miss you so much! So so so so so so so so much!!!!
Hearts.
How's it going? I'm a fricken mess.
I knew this time of year was going to be hard, but man, it is HARD.
I made it through your birthday. I kept myself busy and distracted. And of course, I always make it through every holiday. I don't think anyone has ever died of a broken heart, even if I feel like I might sometime.
But now we're approaching the one-year mark, and I can hardly handle it.
I had a doctor appt this morning to review some new meds I started on a month ago. Now I'm on a combo of 2 anti-depressants, and it has really helped with the rut I was in. It's lifted my mood and I wasn't sas irritable and blah all the time.
But of course, in the appt, we have to talk about my current situation and she asked how long it had been. I told her it was almost a year, and she asked what I was planning to do. I said I have no idea, probably just cry. She said that's totally fine.
But any time I really talk about stuff, it just screws me up so bad. So of course I was bawling the entire way to work. I pulled it together enough to get in the building, get to my desk, and start working.
But all I could do was stare at my computer. I just CAN'T focus.
Then a helicopter flew over head. And I imagine what I feel when I hear a helicopter is what they portray Vietnam vets having flashbacks is like. It seriously sends me into a panic/anxiety attack.
I was sitting at my desk with my eyes scrunched closed trying to block it out, but of course, that was impossible. So I got up and went to the bathroom, and just lost it. I was sitting in the stall crying my eyes out.
But I can't sit there forever. First of all, someone was bound to come in soon, and I don't feel like answering a ton of questions, or just feeling awkward from crying with them not saying anything.
So again, I try to pull it together and get back to my desk. I managed to print a few things off, but again, I was just staring at my computer, lost in thoughts of what life was like a year ago.
And it makes me miserable. Such a happy time was suddenly replaced with the worst time, and I have no control over it. A year ago, we were making plans, going out, laughing, having fun, just loving our average little life.
I want that back so bad.
So of course, I couldn't stop the tears from flowing at my desk. I might have stayed at my desk if it wasn't so open to everyone, and if I was sniffling and doing the weird breathing thing when you try to hold back sobs.
So I quickly grabbed my papers and popped my laptop off the dock in search of a private conference room. Fortunately I only passed 1 person on the way, and they know my situation, so they didn't say anything about my bright red, crying face.
So now, here I sit, in a little personal conference room. I thought I would be able to work in here and just cry at the same time. I've done it before.
But I seriously can't pull my head together. I am so lost. I'm such a mess. I don't know what I'm going to do over these next few weeks. I can hardly do my job.
Oh shit, and the helicopter is flying over again right now.
Ugh... What am I going to do?!?!?!
I miss you so much! So so so so so so so so much!!!!
Hearts.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Scrambled Eggs
Hey boo,
How's it going? I'm a ball of stress...
So, I feel like I haven't emailed you in a while... I've just been so blah lately. I have a lot I want to tell you, but then I get too depressed to even write it because I'm like, what's the point?
But I want to keep emailing you so "publicly" to show what my life is like now, and to share my feelings that I can't always say. I've gotten a lot of support from others by emailing you, since you aren't here to give me that support anymore...
So yeah, here's my email...
You're birthday came and went. I cried and laughed. I missed you like whoa. But I made it through, just like all the other holidays that I've survived.
You're mom was here that day. We had a cake, and sang Happy Birthday. Really, I sang it because I don't think your mom could handle it, and my voice was definitely choked up by the end of it. Quite the depressing little birthday party...
I visited the cemetery. I brought you a Dr. Pepper. I drank half of it. :-) But we always shared like that.
Then the 11-month mark passed. I just have no words for that. All I can do is shake my head in disbelief that this is still really happening. I'm still waiting to wake up from this nightmare. I seriously wish it every night before I go to bed.
Now I'm dealing with crazy grown-up stuff that I hate dealing with. Plus, my brain is just moosh anyways. Which I hate saying considering your cause of death. In fact, I hate talking about anything brain related. I definitely stopped using one our favorite phrases for when we are being stupid - "brain damage."
Ugh, but seriously, my head is scrambled eggs right now. I have 9827980431751 thoughts running through my head at any one moment. I'm just a mess.
Alright, that's it for now.
I miss you.
Hearts!
How's it going? I'm a ball of stress...
So, I feel like I haven't emailed you in a while... I've just been so blah lately. I have a lot I want to tell you, but then I get too depressed to even write it because I'm like, what's the point?
But I want to keep emailing you so "publicly" to show what my life is like now, and to share my feelings that I can't always say. I've gotten a lot of support from others by emailing you, since you aren't here to give me that support anymore...
So yeah, here's my email...
You're birthday came and went. I cried and laughed. I missed you like whoa. But I made it through, just like all the other holidays that I've survived.
You're mom was here that day. We had a cake, and sang Happy Birthday. Really, I sang it because I don't think your mom could handle it, and my voice was definitely choked up by the end of it. Quite the depressing little birthday party...
I visited the cemetery. I brought you a Dr. Pepper. I drank half of it. :-) But we always shared like that.
Then the 11-month mark passed. I just have no words for that. All I can do is shake my head in disbelief that this is still really happening. I'm still waiting to wake up from this nightmare. I seriously wish it every night before I go to bed.
Now I'm dealing with crazy grown-up stuff that I hate dealing with. Plus, my brain is just moosh anyways. Which I hate saying considering your cause of death. In fact, I hate talking about anything brain related. I definitely stopped using one our favorite phrases for when we are being stupid - "brain damage."
Ugh, but seriously, my head is scrambled eggs right now. I have 9827980431751 thoughts running through my head at any one moment. I'm just a mess.
Alright, that's it for now.
I miss you.
Hearts!
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Saturday Nights
Hey boo,
How's it going? I'm tired.
For some reason, Saturday nights are always rough. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I've talked to nobody but the kids all day, and then they go to bed, and I have nobody to talk to.
Although today, my mom came over in the morning so I could bring the kids to the pool for an hour. So, I guess I did talk to someone else today.
Anyways, it took FOREVER to get all the kids to go to bed tonight. I don't know what their deal was... I think everyone was finally asleep by 9:30... which is basically 2-2.5 hours past their bedtime...
So, I accomplished nothing tonight. The house is a disaster, but after I got the kids down, I ate a bowl of cereal and wasted time on Pinterest...
And now, I'm too tired to do anything else. So I'm going to actually try and go to bed early tonight.
Anyways, that's it. I miss you a lot. I still look at pictures and videos and think "is this really happening?" I just miss you.
Hearts.
How's it going? I'm tired.
For some reason, Saturday nights are always rough. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I've talked to nobody but the kids all day, and then they go to bed, and I have nobody to talk to.
Although today, my mom came over in the morning so I could bring the kids to the pool for an hour. So, I guess I did talk to someone else today.
Anyways, it took FOREVER to get all the kids to go to bed tonight. I don't know what their deal was... I think everyone was finally asleep by 9:30... which is basically 2-2.5 hours past their bedtime...
So, I accomplished nothing tonight. The house is a disaster, but after I got the kids down, I ate a bowl of cereal and wasted time on Pinterest...
And now, I'm too tired to do anything else. So I'm going to actually try and go to bed early tonight.
Anyways, that's it. I miss you a lot. I still look at pictures and videos and think "is this really happening?" I just miss you.
Hearts.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
"Do You Love Mommy?"
Hey boo,
How's it going? I'm still feeling extra blah lately.
I talked to my therapist about it, and she suggested I add on another anti-depressant to what I'm already taking. She can't prescribe meds, so I had to talk to my doctor about it. She agreed, so tomorrow I will be taking 2 pills.
"Where does depression hurt?" "Everywhere." :-P
For reals.
Anyways, as I'm trying to have a good summer with the kids, I realize that I just don't want to do it without you. Every new thing that we do, I am so fricken sad that you aren't there to enjoy it with us. And I'm only enjoying it with about 20% of my heart. I want to be happy and have fun for the kids. But I always have this dark cloud hanging over me, so I can't just get completely lost in the fun...
Blah.
Oh. So Violet told me she didn't love me the other day. Awesome.
And there have been a few days where the girls don't want to come home with me when I pick them up at daycare. Also awesome.
I cried when Violet said she didn't love me. She said she loves Nana. Ugh, I'm tearing up just thinking about it.
I also talked with the therapist about this, and she said that's actually a normal thing that a lot of kids do. She said that they don't even really know what "love" is. It's just a word.
And I had actually asked Violet "Do you love Mommy?" To which she replied "No. I love Nana." So, my therapist said, just don't ask her! You gave her a yes/no question, and she just happened to say "no." It doesn't necessarily mean what you think...
But I don't know. It still sucks. And it still really really really really hurt. Like, bad.
It was actually Charlotte who I had predicted would be the first to say something like that.
But I can tell that Violet's been mad at me lately. I'm "mean Momma" a lot, and I know that is making her act different towards me.
I don't know. Blah.
I guess I just need to try harder at finding "nice Momma" again.
I miss you so fricken much. Like whoa.
Hearts.
How's it going? I'm still feeling extra blah lately.
I talked to my therapist about it, and she suggested I add on another anti-depressant to what I'm already taking. She can't prescribe meds, so I had to talk to my doctor about it. She agreed, so tomorrow I will be taking 2 pills.
"Where does depression hurt?" "Everywhere." :-P
For reals.
Anyways, as I'm trying to have a good summer with the kids, I realize that I just don't want to do it without you. Every new thing that we do, I am so fricken sad that you aren't there to enjoy it with us. And I'm only enjoying it with about 20% of my heart. I want to be happy and have fun for the kids. But I always have this dark cloud hanging over me, so I can't just get completely lost in the fun...
Blah.
Oh. So Violet told me she didn't love me the other day. Awesome.
And there have been a few days where the girls don't want to come home with me when I pick them up at daycare. Also awesome.
I cried when Violet said she didn't love me. She said she loves Nana. Ugh, I'm tearing up just thinking about it.
I also talked with the therapist about this, and she said that's actually a normal thing that a lot of kids do. She said that they don't even really know what "love" is. It's just a word.
And I had actually asked Violet "Do you love Mommy?" To which she replied "No. I love Nana." So, my therapist said, just don't ask her! You gave her a yes/no question, and she just happened to say "no." It doesn't necessarily mean what you think...
But I don't know. It still sucks. And it still really really really really hurt. Like, bad.
It was actually Charlotte who I had predicted would be the first to say something like that.
But I can tell that Violet's been mad at me lately. I'm "mean Momma" a lot, and I know that is making her act different towards me.
I don't know. Blah.
I guess I just need to try harder at finding "nice Momma" again.
I miss you so fricken much. Like whoa.
Hearts.
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