"Do You Love Mommy?"

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I'm still feeling extra blah lately.

I talked to my therapist about it, and she suggested I add on another anti-depressant to what I'm already taking.  She can't prescribe meds, so I had to talk to my doctor about it.  She agreed, so tomorrow I will be taking 2 pills.

"Where does depression hurt?"  "Everywhere." :-P

For reals.

Anyways, as I'm trying to have a good summer with the kids, I realize that I just don't want to do it without you.  Every new thing that we do, I am so fricken sad that you aren't there to enjoy it with us.  And I'm only enjoying it with about 20% of my heart.  I want to be happy and have fun for the kids.  But I always have this dark cloud hanging over me, so I can't just get completely lost in the fun...

Blah.

Oh.  So Violet told me she didn't love me the other day.  Awesome.

And there have been a few days where the girls don't want to come home with me when I pick them up at daycare.  Also awesome.

I cried when Violet said she didn't love me.  She said she loves Nana.  Ugh, I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

I also talked with the therapist about this, and she said that's actually a normal thing that a lot of kids do.  She said that they don't even really know what "love" is.  It's just a word.

And I had actually asked Violet "Do you love Mommy?"  To which she replied "No. I love Nana."  So, my therapist said, just don't ask her!  You gave her a yes/no question, and she just happened to say "no."  It doesn't necessarily mean what you think...

But I don't know.  It still sucks.  And it still really really really really hurt.  Like, bad.

It was actually Charlotte who I had predicted would be the first to say something like that.

But I can tell that Violet's been mad at me lately.  I'm "mean Momma" a lot, and I know that is making her act different towards me.

I don't know.  Blah.

I guess I just need to try harder at finding "nice Momma" again.

I miss you so fricken much.  Like whoa.

Hearts.