Wednesday, September 4, 2013

"Now I'm Depressed!"

Hey boo,

How's it going?  Well, as I'm sure you are aware, things pretty much suck some serious balls over here...

I've been wanting to write things down, but I can hardly form a coherent, complete thought about anything.  I just have random snippets of thoughts running through my head at all times.  Seriously, it's a jumbled mess... You would probably call it a clusterfuck.  But I figured I just need to start writing, and hopefully the thoughts would flow.

One of my random things that keeps running through my mind, is one of your favorite FRIENDS quotes.  I know you always claimed you couldn't stand that show, but then anytime we were watching re-runs, you would laugh your head off.  And of course there were the many times we'd lay in bed and watch the bloopers on YouTube before we went to sleep.

Anyways, its from "The One Where Nana Dies Twice."  It's after their Nana's funeral, and they are at the little reception afterwards (What is that reception even called?  I know that's not the right word...).  Joey snuck in a portable TV and the men are "secretly" watching some big football game on it.  Of course, a funeral is a somber occasion, but some major thing happens in the football game they are watching, and all the men scream "Ooohhh!" and throw their hands in the air (similar to what my family looks like when watching football, maybe a little more tame than that though).  And Jack Geller (Ross and Monica's dad) yells "Now I'm depressed!".  I know that was one of your favorite lines!  I can still hear you laugh at it!  You wanted me to use it as my quote for Jen's bachelorette party, but I didn't really think it was appropriate for such a celebration...

Here's a clip of what I'm talking about:

So yeah, "Now I'm depressed!" keeps running through my head.  Of course, there is the main event of why I'm mega, super duper, crazy depressed.  I lost my BEST FRIEND and the father of my children.  That hurt is CONSTANTLY with me.  But then there are all these additional little problems that keep coming up...

For example, my breast milk supply basically dropped to nothing (and you know what a diary cow I was before).  Not nursing or pumping for over 24 hours, and a ridiculous amount of stress will do that to you.  Or as you might say: "You'll get that." (I think college friends would understand that quote).  I had to start pumping exclusively (and you know how much I loathe pumping)... I tried to bring my supply back up, pumping every 2 hours for 25 minutes, trying to stay hydrated (but you know my addiction to Diet Coke)... but I'd only get about 2 ounces per session! Ugh...  And Will was eating 4-5 ounces every 3 hours.  I just couldn't keep up with him, and our frozen supply was depleting quickly.  I started supplementing with formula.  And finally, I just said "Screw it! Ain't nobody got time for that!" :-) So I decided to completely wean Will, and go 100% formula with him.

And this whole thing makes me think "Now I'm depressed!"

Seriously, in the big scheme of things, is this really a big deal?  Nope.  But it really bums me out.  It was always my goal to breast feed for at least 6 months, and I really thought with Will I'd be able to go longer, since I was able to actually nurse him and wasn't miserable from pumping.  Plus, there was the convenience of being able to feed him anywhere and anytime, without having to lug around a cooler of bottles and try to figure out how we were going to warm them up.  And I just loved the closeness with Will.  Seriously, his little face when he fell asleep nursing was so incredibly cute (yeah, he's cute all the time, but this face was even cuter).

There are a lot of other little things like this.  They are silly.  They are minor in comparison to what's really going on.  But they are there. And every time one comes up, "Now I'm depressed!" runs through my head.  But that helps me realize that whatever this little problem is, it is LITTLE, and it's not that important, and I should not stress about it too much.  [BTW, I just said the word "should" in the last sentence.  I've been going to therapy, so remind me to tell you what my therapist taught me about the word "should".]

Anyways, that's my random thought for the day.  Maybe I'll get to writing more down eventually.  I really wish you could reply to this.  I miss you times a billion.

But, I'll send you another one of your favorite FRIENDS scenes to make you smile (and maybe it makes me smile a little bit too) just like how we sent many random YouTube clips back and forth before...



  1. Love this. And I know just what you mean about that word "should"...

    Thanks for being brave enough to share, Sarah. Hugs!

  2. Love the honesty. Keep it flowing. One of my twins I had to switch to formula at 12 weeks and he is just as brilliant as my other three breast fed babies. Looking forward to the next epistle.