I'm Tired

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I'm tired.

Just so fricken tired...

I'm not sleeping very well since I've been sleeping on the couch.  You know how much the couch sucks.  So my back hurts and my hips hurt and my neck hurts.  I just hurt.  I'm just tired.

It's hard for me to fall asleep.  When I close my eyes I start to think.  And then I start tossing and turning.  I try to wait until I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open.  But it still doesn't work, and each night, I end up falling asleep later and later and later... And of course, there is no sleeping in.  Ever.  There are no naps.  Ever.  I'm tired.

I'm tired of the kids.  Cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry... whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine... that's all the do. They make me CRAZY.  Except for Will.  He's pretty good still, but I'm waiting for the day that changes... I never get a break.  It doesn't matter who is here, nobody understands that sometimes, you just need to completely tune out, get away from them, let someone else deal with them.   I still have to feed them, make bottles, wash nipples, change diapers, kiss owies, break up fights, keep them entertained... There is never a time where someone else just COMPLETELY takes over so that I can have a break from them.  I guess my break from them is going to work. But work does not really equal a break...  So, I guess my break could be after they are all in bed...  But my evenings are filled with tears and loneliness, so I still don't really consider it a break.  I'm so tired of the kids.

I'm tired of being alone.  There is nobody to talk to.  Nobody who understand me like you do.  Nobody that I can bitch and complain to.  Nobody to tell me funny stories.  Nobody to reminisce about the past with.  Nobody to talk about our favorite TV shows.  Nobody to feel lazy with me and decide the kids don't need a spa tonight.  Nobody to get a late night craving for a milkshake or crab rangoons.  Nobody.  Apparently Nobody is my new best friend.  I'm tired of Nobody.

I'm tired of being scared.  Scared of someone breaking in at night.  Scared of the dark.  Scared something will happen to me.  Scared something will happen to the kids.  Scared something will happen  to me while I'm alone with the kids.  What would they do?  When would they be found?  Scared of the future.  Scared of each day I have to live without you.  I'm tired of fear.

I'm tired of living every day without you.  I'm tired of thinking that every day from now on will be without you.  I'm tired of you not coming home.  I'm tired that I have nothing to look forward to. I'm tired of you not being here to comfort me.  I'm tired of missing you.

I'm tired of just going through the motions.  Wake up, feed the kids, work, bedtime...  There is no feeling behind anything.  No emotions except for anger and sadness.  I'm tired of having to keep it together.

I just don't understand how I am supposed to do this with you.  My family won't be around to help forever.  How do I maintain the house?  How do I take care of these kids?  How do I keep going to work?  How do I do it all?  ALONE.  I'm tired of being a single mom.  I never signed up for that.

I'm tired of it all.

I. Am. Just. So. Tired.