This Sucks!

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I feel like this is going to be a depressing email... I'm not feeling very upbeat today...

Today, the girls got out their little seahorse that makes music, and the bug that lights up stars on the ceiling and plays music... When I heard the music, it brought me back to when we were still snuggling the girls to sleep, and it would take forever.  We'd play that music hoping it would lull them to sleep.  I don't think it ever really worked... Those memories hit me with an extra gigantic wave of sadness.  I hate that I won't ever be able to talk to you again about the "early days" with the girls.  Nobody knows what it was really like, except you.  There isn't anybody to back up my stories, or fill in the blanks.  And that really sucks.

I had the girls watch videos with you in them today.  They were so fricken excited to see their Daddy.  "Dada!!!" they both squealed and pointed at the screen.  I think we watched videos for an hour!  They just stood in front of the computer screen while I clicked through the videos.  Sometimes, I just had one on repeat a bunch of times.  They loved it.  They were laughing at the fun things they were doing in the video.  When they would fall, the would say "boom!"  I mostly just sat their and cried.  Seeing you in those videos makes this whole situation feel even more surreal...  I don't know if surreal is the right word, but basically, I spend a lot of time thinking "is this real life?"  And that's how I felt watching the videos.  You were just here!  How can it be that you won't be coming home again?!?!?!  Have I mentioned how much this sucks?

Absolutely EVERYTHING I do reminds me of you.  EVERYWHERE I look, I think of you. You should be sitting at the island "internetting" with me right now.  If I look hard enough, I feel like I can almost see you sitting in your usual spot.  But you're not really there, and I hate it.  After the kids go to bed is probably the hardest part of my day.  If I'm riding through the day at an 8 or 9 on the pain-scale, after bedtime it shoots up to a 10.  You can't even imagine how much your absence is felt.  It's so cheesy, but I honestly feel hollow inside because you took my heart with you.  This is the SUCKIEST situation ever!

THIS SUCKS!  THIS SUCKS!  THIS SUCKS!  THIS SUCKS!  THIS SUCKS!  THIS SUCKS!

Hey, in case you were wondering, THIS SUCKS!!!!

I don't really have anything else to say.  Just please know that I miss you so much and that I'm "funneling" all my love into you.

Hearts.