Saturday Nights

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I'm tired.

For some reason, Saturday nights are always rough.  I don't know why.  Maybe it's because I've talked to nobody but the kids all day, and then they go to bed, and I have nobody to talk to.

Although today, my mom came over in the morning so I could bring the kids to the pool for an hour.  So, I guess I did talk to someone else today.

Anyways, it took FOREVER to get all the kids to go to bed tonight.  I don't know what their deal was... I think everyone was finally asleep by 9:30... which is basically 2-2.5 hours past their bedtime...

So, I accomplished nothing tonight.  The house is a disaster, but after I got the kids down, I ate a bowl of cereal and wasted time on Pinterest...

And now, I'm too tired to do anything else.  So I'm going to actually try and go to bed early tonight.

Anyways, that's it.  I miss you a lot.  I still look at pictures and videos and think "is this really happening?"  I just miss you.

Hearts.

"Do You Love Mommy?"

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I'm still feeling extra blah lately.

I talked to my therapist about it, and she suggested I add on another anti-depressant to what I'm already taking.  She can't prescribe meds, so I had to talk to my doctor about it.  She agreed, so tomorrow I will be taking 2 pills.

"Where does depression hurt?"  "Everywhere." :-P

For reals.

Anyways, as I'm trying to have a good summer with the kids, I realize that I just don't want to do it without you.  Every new thing that we do, I am so fricken sad that you aren't there to enjoy it with us.  And I'm only enjoying it with about 20% of my heart.  I want to be happy and have fun for the kids.  But I always have this dark cloud hanging over me, so I can't just get completely lost in the fun...

Blah.

Oh.  So Violet told me she didn't love me the other day.  Awesome.

And there have been a few days where the girls don't want to come home with me when I pick them up at daycare.  Also awesome.

I cried when Violet said she didn't love me.  She said she loves Nana.  Ugh, I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

I also talked with the therapist about this, and she said that's actually a normal thing that a lot of kids do.  She said that they don't even really know what "love" is.  It's just a word.

And I had actually asked Violet "Do you love Mommy?"  To which she replied "No. I love Nana."  So, my therapist said, just don't ask her!  You gave her a yes/no question, and she just happened to say "no."  It doesn't necessarily mean what you think...

But I don't know.  It still sucks.  And it still really really really really hurt.  Like, bad.

It was actually Charlotte who I had predicted would be the first to say something like that.

But I can tell that Violet's been mad at me lately.  I'm "mean Momma" a lot, and I know that is making her act different towards me.

I don't know.  Blah.

I guess I just need to try harder at finding "nice Momma" again.

I miss you so fricken much.  Like whoa.

Hearts.

DANGIT!

Hey boo,

How's it going?  We've got some big ol' thunderstorms going on right now!

So, remember one time you got to work and realized you had 1 brown shoe and 1 black shoe on?  Or the other time when you got to daycare to drop the kids off, and realized you had your Crocs on?

Today I got to daycare, and realized I still had my flip-flops on!  Ugh... I usually just slip those on when I'm loading the kids in the car, and then I put my dress shoes on as I'm walking out the door with the last kid to be loaded.  Well, I forgot to do that today!  DANGIT!

Sure, I probably could have pulled off flip-flops as work attire.  I know there are ladies around here who wear some fancy flip-flops.  But these were my junky, $1 Old Navy flip-flops.  And I hate walking around the quiet office making the "flip flop flip flop" noise... Plus, I have another networking lunch today, so I didn't want to be all casual corner!

So, I had to back-track, and drive home to change my shoes.  Of course, I was already running late, so then I was just super mega late... Since I was super mega late anyways, I decided "F- it, I'm getting Subway for breakfast!"  So I stopped and picked up a steak, egg, and cheese on flatbread!  Mmmm... :-)

Anyways, that's more story.  I didn't really have a point, I just had to share!

I miss you like whoa!  Is it weird that I'm adult and I'm scared of thunderstorms?  It sucks being alone when "the thunder booms and lightning flashes!" (do you remember that quote from the kids' book "Pooh's Best Day"?  Yeah, I have all the kids' books basically memorized!).

Ok, hearts and farts!

I'm Such a Brat

Hey boo,

How's it going?

So I forgot to tell you how I'm feeling like the Wicked Bitch of the West...

You know how I was bitching the other day about the yard and keeping up with the Jones' and what the neighbors think and blah blah blah?

Well, shortly after that, a big bunch of neighbors came and did a ton of work on our yard.  Like, way more than I was expecting.  I just wanted some grass planted in the back corner of the yard where the new road is.

But they came over and adjusted all our sprinklers, and picked weeds from all over, I think they even trimmed back some of the bushes and trees!

Whoa.

Obviously we are surrounded by some really nice people who have only the best intentions, and sometimes I'm just a big brat.

Blah.

Anyways, just wanted to share.  I'm still just in a funk.  Like, my heart is heavy.  I know that's just a saying, but I can just feel this weight in my chest.  It's so hard to explain.  Like, the weight of this new reality is settling in on me...

Speaking of which, have a told you about how I'm so frustrated with my posture?   It feels like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, almost literally!  Like, I can't stand up or sit up straight.  I notice it all the time and then I try to pull my shoulders back, but it just feels so unnatural.   Like, I have no desire to stand up straight (even though I do because it's killing my back).  But I just feel down, and lacking confidence or something, and it's totally affecting my body.  It's so weird.  And I often find myself doing the weird neck cracking thing that you used to do because my shoulders and neck hurt.  Like I'm carrying all the tension there.

Anyways, apparently "grief" affects EVERYTHING.  So much more than I ever would have thought.

Blah.

Ok, that's it.  I miss you every second.

Hearts!

All Sorts of Randomnes

Hey boo,

How's it going?

I forget what things I've told you about the kids lately...

Did I tell you how Charlotte likes to add a consonant sound to the end of words that end in a vowel sound?  For example, a "bow" (like hair bow) is a "bowt".  Or pee is peep.  Or zoo is zoon.  It's cute.  Violet does it for some things too (like zoo/zoon).

Will is just getting so much more communicative... If that makes sense?  Like, he can get his point across better to me, and let me know what he wants.  He kind of says some words, ball, dog, cat, night-night... Of course, all of these don't sound exactly like to word, but I can tell that's what he's saying.  He can definitely say "more" though. It's super cute because he does the baby sign for it too. "More more more?"  It's like when Charlotte first learned the baby sign for "eat" and she do it and make a little "mmm" noise.  Of course I had to give Charlotte something to eat when she was so cute doing it!  So of course Will gets more when he asks so cute too!

I'm still stuck in a rut.  I'm just blah-er than usual, if that makes sense.  It's hard to pull myself out of it, because there isn't really anything brighter to pull myself out to.  You know what I mean?  Like, I'm not looking forward to anything, nothing really makes me feel truly happy.

I don't know, it's just like, same shit, different day.

I always keep myself busy with all my silly little projects.  Right now it's working on my other blog.  I don't know what my plans are for it, but it would be cool if it could make some money.  Blogging is kind of the perfect thing for a passive-aggressive introvert like me.  I can say whatever I want and I never have to deal with people.  I can spend hours trying to get the wording just right.

I could officially become a "hobbit" if I was a real blogger. :-)  Remember one time I was like, "I just want to be a hobbit."  And you were like, "What?!?!  What are you talking about?!?"  And I was like, "Because I'd never have to deal with anyone ever.  I just want to stay in the house forever!"  And you laughed and said "Isn't that a 'hermit'?"  And I looked at you realizing you were right, and we laughed!  And from then on, we just always used the term 'hobbit' instead of 'hermit.'

Anyways, more about the kids... So, I've kinda realized that I hardly give the kids physical affection anymore.  Like, I give them hugs and kisses when I drop them off at daycare, or if they get an owie.  And of course they are always fighting to sit in my lap.  But I've realized I'm never really connecting with them.  Does that make sense?

I had this little breakthrough yesterday, when Violet came to sit in my lap, and she was kind of it in like baby, so it was like I was holding her like she was a baby (a big baby!).  And I started rocking her and humming to her, and I realized, when is that last time I did this?!?!  Fortunately Charlotte and Will were playing OK on their own, so I just sat there and hummed and rocked Violet for a few minutes.  She loved it, she just snuggled right into my chest.  I miss good snuggles...

Then when I was trying to get the kids go down to nappy, Charlotte did not want to sleep.  So I finally picked her up out of her crib, and she put her head on my shoulder, and I just rocked her again to the lullaby music on their radio that plays during naptime.  Again, she loved it.  After a few minutes, I was able to put her in her crib, and she layed down with no arguments.

And when they woke up and I went to pick her up out of her crib, she gave me a big hug and a kiss!  I almost started crying.  It just doesn't seem like that has happened in a while.

Ok, I guess that's enough of my randomness for now.  I don't feel like proof-reading this, so ignore all of the mistakes.

Hearts!

Deep Thoughts by Sarah

Hey boo,

How's it going?

So, you know how sometimes the most random thoughts ever pop into my head?  Well, here's what I was thinking about when I was trying to fall asleep last night.

Who made up the ABC song?  Seriously, it was in my head last night...

And then I was thinking, who determined what order the ABC's go in?  Why does it start with A, why does B come next, etc?

And who determined that "B" was going to make a 'buh' sound?  And who decided what these letters were going to look like?

Who decided that putting "gh" together makes a sound like an "f"?  Why not just use an "f"?  The same goes for "ph"...

What about this whole "silent k" at the beginning of words?  What a waste of a letter!

Oh, and the list of crazy thoughts went on and on... basically, my mind was blown by the ABC's...

I know, I'm so deep. :-P

Anyways, I'm in a total funk as far as how I'm doing.  But I feel like I've been a big depressing ball of yuck when I'm writing to you.  So I wanted to write something somewhat amusing...

Missing you always!

Lovebuckets!

Spiraling Down

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I feel blue.

It's just been one of those days.  It starts out with the kids whining while I'm getting breakfast ready.

My mom came over this morning so I could go grocery shopping with only Charlotte for some one on one time.  Before I went, I had to Google something real quick.  Since I was on the computer, I checked my email.  Which lead me to check Facebook.  And then there was another one of those darn articles at the top of my feed that I know I should just stay away from based on the title. But I thought maybe they are joking...

Nope.  I only skimmed the article, but yeah, it still made me feel like the suckiest parent ever.  How is it possible for these articles to do this to me?

And from there, I've just been spiraling down...

I hate the fact that I can't even smile at our kids.  That they can be crying because they "want to sit in Momma's lap" during lunch time, and I'm just crying right along with them.

It's just one of those days where I'm here, making sure the kids are alive, but I'm not being a parent.

And I hate it.  That's not who I want to be.  But once I start going down, it feels impossible to pull myself back up.

I hate that I'm here doing this on my own.  Yes, my mom comes and helps 3 times/week.  But it's still all on me.  I'm the decision maker, I'm the one responsible for these kids.  And I just don't have a fricken clue what I'm doing.

Why do people call other people bad parents, or judge them for how their kids act?  I'm pretty sure most parents are trying the best they can.  And some people have different tolerances for different behaviors.  I don't know, it just drives me nuts.

As if I'm not already concerned with how our kids will grow and develop, now I have to worry about all the Judgey McJudgersons out there... It sucks.

Speaking of Judgey... Another thing that got me down today was driving up to our house after grocery shopping.  I am always so worried about the appearance of the outside of our house and what other people will think.

Last year, maybe just a week or 2 after you died, one of our neighbors offered to do something with the sprinklers "because they were sick of looking at our brown grass. Lol."  Ok, really?  My husband just died and now you are telling me you are sick of my brown grass.  Sure, you're just trying to help, but there are a thousand more sensitive ways you could have said it.  Adding on the "LOL" doesn't really help, because I think most people have a hint of seriousness behind some of their jokes...

And really, grass was at the absolute bottom of my priority list.  I could care less if it was brown and dying.  And I would think that it wouldn't matter to my neighbors either.  I would have rather just not had them say anything at all.

And next, it's not like I'm a fricken millionaire.  It costs money to water your lawn.  In my opinion, it's a huge waste.  But apparently, just after I lose the breadwinner of the family, they want me to fork out the dough so that we don't have an eye-sore of a lawn...

I'm sure that's what all the people who donated money to us wanted me to spending it on.  So we could have green grass... Seems logical... :-P
.
Before that, I never really thought about the outside of our house.  But now that I know that people are actually paying attention to it, I suddenly am too.

I was so concerned about the dandelions this spring.  God forbid we have a sea of yellow in our front yard.  Gosh, what would the neighbors think?!?!

And now, I've turned on the sprinklers, and they run every fricken morning, and yet our grass is still brown and crappy looking.  So, that just added to my downward spiral as I was driving into the garage today...

It's so stupid to worry about these things.  But how can I not?  I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders, and every little thing sets me off.

And I know, the intentions behind everything were good.  They were trying to help...  I appreciate the help.  But I don't think all help is good help...

Blah, anyways, I'm just going down down down... I wish you here to give me a hug and I would say "I'm like this..."

I miss you.

Hearts.

10 Months

Hey boo,

How's it going?

Well, it's now been 10 months... Holy balls...

Like I always say, I still can't believe you're gone...

I was driving down to the Perrigo company store on Thursday to make my last visit using your remaining credit, and the whole time I kept thinking, "this is so stupid."  It's so stupid that you aren't here.  It's so stupid that this is happening. Stupid stupid stupid.

When I look at your pictures, I always think how stupid it is that that is the only way I see you now.  You should be sitting here with me.  I also look at them and wonder if you know that you are gone.  Where are you and what are you thinking?  It's not like you were expecting to die at the age of barely 30, so I wonder how you feel about this whole thing?

Death wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't so permanent...

Or if it was like jail (or at least how jail is portrayed on TV and movies), where you're allowed "1 phone call."

If you could make just one phone call to me, and let me know you're OK, it seems like it would make this much easier to handle.  You don't even have to call me, just call someone who can relay the info back to me.

"5 more min..." Like I always said when it was time to wake up in the morning.  Or I wouldn't even bother to talk or open my eyes, I would just show you my hand, like a high five.

Five more minutes is all I'm asking for...

Sigh...

10 months.  That's basically a year... And next month is your birthday...

All of this is so stupid.

I miss you.

Hearts.

Kids Say (and Do) the Darndest Things...

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I'm pretty darn tired.

The girls are starting to wake up in the middle of the night because they are "hungry" or "thirsty" or "hot" or a whole bunch of other reasons... And I'm just like WTF?  What happened to my good little sleepers?

Anyways, sometimes I hear the things they say, and I'm just like, oh geez... because it's something I say or have said... Sometimes it's good, and sometimes it's bad.  Sometimes it's cute, and sometimes it just reminds me of how I don't always act like the best parent out there.

A cute thing is that when they are putting their dolls or animals on their little toy potty, or the potty in the Little People house, they says "Push it out!"  I say that to them when they are on the potty to remind them to push out their poopoo... :-P

A bad thing was when I was driving with just Violet the other day.  My mom watched the other 2 while I took Violet grocery shopping with me, for some one on one time.  On the way home I stopped to get gas because it was 20cents cheaper than at Meijer.  Of course the station was packed, but someone was leaving as I was pulling in.  Unfortunately, if I pulled in that way, the pump would be on the opposite side of my tank.  So instead of doing some crazy backing-up, Austin Powers, turn-around, I decided to just loop around all the pumps and come back.  Except as I was about to pull in, someone else pulled in from the other side where I just was!  So I said "Thanks Jerk!" because he cut me off and now I had to wait for a pump to open up... So then Violet says "Thanks Jerk!" and of course, my automatic response was "Seriously!" And then I was like, oh wait, that is my 2-year-old saying that.  Awesome.  So she says "Thanks Jerk!" about 20 more times on our way home, and I was just like "Ok Violet, we don't need to say it anymore..." And then I started ignoring her.  And eventually she stopped saying it... Parent of the year!

Violet is our "oldest" and she definitely has acquired some of those traits somehow... She is pretty darn bossy and acts like she runs the show sometimes...  Will was trying to get the sunscreen bottle as I was putting the lotion on all of them so we could go outside.  And Violet grabs it from him and says "No Will!  Don't touch the ice cream!  It's for grown-ups only!"  Yes, they call sunscreen 'ice cream.' It's very confusing sometimes and I know I should correct them, but sometimes it's just so cute. :-)  Anyways, yeah, I say "It's for grown-ups only" for a lot of things... I'm not sure how I feel about her saying that.  I guess it just makes me feel weird, like, is that the right thing I should be saying?

More of 'Little Miss I'm in Charge'...  The girls were in their chairs at the table, and Charlotte was trying to hold Violet's hand, or touch her high chair, or who knows what, and Violet says "No Charlotte! Keep your hands to oh self!"  By 'oh self' she means 'yourself.'  Yup, say that a lot too... Except I say that a lot more to Violet because she is the aggressive one who is always getting up in brother or sister's business... So I tell her to 'keep her hands to herself..'  Again, is that right thing?  I have no idea...

As for the "kids do the darndest things' portion of this email, this one is all about Will.  So, I haven't shaved my legs in like 2 days, but I'm still wearing shorts because it's Sunday, we are at home, we aren't going anywhere, I've got nobody to impress, so who cares?  Apparently, your son cares.  I was sitting on the couch, Violet was sitting on my lap and I had my feet up on the ottoman/bench thing.  Of course Will sees that I'm snuggling someone and he wants a piece of that action too.  So, here he comes, and he puts his hand on my leg to say he wants 'uppie.'  And he just lifts his hand up, then rubs it back and forth on my leg, and looks at me with the most grossed out look on his face!  I was just like, oh my word, are you serious kid?!?!  Then he kept rubbing my leg and looking at me weird... Apparently he's not a fan of my prickly legs! :-P

And yesterday I was trying on some bathing suits that were handed down to us for the girls.  I was a little nervous about them fitting Charlotte, so I put her in one of them, but it's hard to tell when she is standing basically on top of me if it fits OK or not...  So I put her down a few feet away from me and asked her "Are you comfortable?  Let me see what you got going on."  In other words, I wanted to see if it was too tight on the legs or anywhere else... And she just does this half turn and sticks her butt out at me and looks over her shoulder at me!  It was like she was totally asking me if the outfit made her butt look fat?!!  I did a huge laugh that scared Violet (apparently they aren't used to me laughing).  But it was just so funny, how did she know that that is what I was trying to figure out?

Oh, these kids are something else, I tell you what! :-)

Ok, that's it for now.  I miss you more everyday...

Hearts!