Spiraling Down

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I feel blue.

It's just been one of those days.  It starts out with the kids whining while I'm getting breakfast ready.

My mom came over this morning so I could go grocery shopping with only Charlotte for some one on one time.  Before I went, I had to Google something real quick.  Since I was on the computer, I checked my email.  Which lead me to check Facebook.  And then there was another one of those darn articles at the top of my feed that I know I should just stay away from based on the title. But I thought maybe they are joking...

Nope.  I only skimmed the article, but yeah, it still made me feel like the suckiest parent ever.  How is it possible for these articles to do this to me?

And from there, I've just been spiraling down...

I hate the fact that I can't even smile at our kids.  That they can be crying because they "want to sit in Momma's lap" during lunch time, and I'm just crying right along with them.

It's just one of those days where I'm here, making sure the kids are alive, but I'm not being a parent.

And I hate it.  That's not who I want to be.  But once I start going down, it feels impossible to pull myself back up.

I hate that I'm here doing this on my own.  Yes, my mom comes and helps 3 times/week.  But it's still all on me.  I'm the decision maker, I'm the one responsible for these kids.  And I just don't have a fricken clue what I'm doing.

Why do people call other people bad parents, or judge them for how their kids act?  I'm pretty sure most parents are trying the best they can.  And some people have different tolerances for different behaviors.  I don't know, it just drives me nuts.

As if I'm not already concerned with how our kids will grow and develop, now I have to worry about all the Judgey McJudgersons out there... It sucks.

Speaking of Judgey... Another thing that got me down today was driving up to our house after grocery shopping.  I am always so worried about the appearance of the outside of our house and what other people will think.

Last year, maybe just a week or 2 after you died, one of our neighbors offered to do something with the sprinklers "because they were sick of looking at our brown grass. Lol."  Ok, really?  My husband just died and now you are telling me you are sick of my brown grass.  Sure, you're just trying to help, but there are a thousand more sensitive ways you could have said it.  Adding on the "LOL" doesn't really help, because I think most people have a hint of seriousness behind some of their jokes...

And really, grass was at the absolute bottom of my priority list.  I could care less if it was brown and dying.  And I would think that it wouldn't matter to my neighbors either.  I would have rather just not had them say anything at all.

And next, it's not like I'm a fricken millionaire.  It costs money to water your lawn.  In my opinion, it's a huge waste.  But apparently, just after I lose the breadwinner of the family, they want me to fork out the dough so that we don't have an eye-sore of a lawn...

I'm sure that's what all the people who donated money to us wanted me to spending it on.  So we could have green grass... Seems logical... :-P
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Before that, I never really thought about the outside of our house.  But now that I know that people are actually paying attention to it, I suddenly am too.

I was so concerned about the dandelions this spring.  God forbid we have a sea of yellow in our front yard.  Gosh, what would the neighbors think?!?!

And now, I've turned on the sprinklers, and they run every fricken morning, and yet our grass is still brown and crappy looking.  So, that just added to my downward spiral as I was driving into the garage today...

It's so stupid to worry about these things.  But how can I not?  I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders, and every little thing sets me off.

And I know, the intentions behind everything were good.  They were trying to help...  I appreciate the help.  But I don't think all help is good help...

Blah, anyways, I'm just going down down down... I wish you here to give me a hug and I would say "I'm like this..."

I miss you.

Hearts.