Awkward

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I'm just missing you like crazy.

I never really know what to say to people lately.  Today, the lady who works the cash register in the cafeteria was like "Hey, how are you?" and of course, I politely responded "I'm fine thanks, how are you?"  She said, "I'm good.  I feel like I haven't seen you in a while, you  haven't been around much." (Because I used to go to the cafeteria every day for breakfast, and most days for lunch. But of course, I just was out of work for 5 weeks, and my first week back, I made sure to pack a lunch and breakfast. I'm on a budget now, ya know?)

Anyways, what am I supposed to say to that?  This is someone who I've never really had more that a small-talk conversations with.  Typically, just the "How are you?" or "How was your weekend?" kind of things, where the responses are usually pretty short, like "Good, thanks."  or "It went by way too fast."

I just said, "Yeah... I had some things come up..."  And she responded with a sad look and said "Oh, I'm sorry..." And I said, "Thanks."  End of conversation.

But seriously, it's not like I can just blurt out "Well, my husband passed away, so I was out trying to deal with that..."  while I'm trying to just casually pay for my breakfast.  I mean, that would just be awkward.  I HATE the awkward.  I hate hearing the "I'm sorry for your loss."  Seriously, how do I respond to that?!?!  I usually say "Thank you."  And then that awkward silence follows... so, um, yeah...

And then there is the "How are you?"  Now I never know if it's the casual "how are you?" in passing, or if it's the sympathetic "how are you?" with a head tilt and the downward inflection of their voice...  Either way, do they REALLY want to know how I am?  I'm sure if I responded with how I REALLY am, they would be like, "Oh sh*t, what can of worms did I just open?"

Basically, I feel like I stand out like a sore thumb.  I like going places where nobody knows me.  I got my haircut the other day, and I just pretended that my life was still happy, my family of 5 was still in tact.  The stylist didn't know the difference, nobody there knew me, so why go in to all the gory details?

Blah...

Anyways, I really wish I could REALLY talk to you about all of this.  I miss you. A lot.

Love.