Feeling Judged...

Hey boo,

How's it going?

I'm feeling pretty darn blah.

I have about a million things that I need to do, and I have no motivation to even start.  I just want to sit and do nothing.  Maybe veg out and watch TV.  Like, actually watch TV.  Not just have it on in the background as I'm doing other stuff.  And not feel guilty about sitting there, watching TV, wasting time.

I'm hungry, and the fridge and pantry have plenty of food in them.  But of course, I want none of that.  What I want is for you to run out to China and pick up some crab rangoons for us... That would make this Saturday night perfect...

I've been staying away from my Facebook newsfeed this week, but do I pop on to check messages and stuff.  So, tonight, the thing at the top of my newsfeed is some article about "mommy" stuff... I know, I said before that I hate those articles, and I try not to read them because I know they are just going to upset me.  But I couldn't help but click on it...

That was a mistake.

This article was one of the MOST judgmental articles I've read yet!  It's articles like that that make people so self-conscious about they way they parent.  It's articles like that that make everyone try so hard to appear to be the "perfect" parent.

The author claims we are all on the "same team" so she is just letting us know about this stuff.  But really, if we were on the same team, I think we should just be giving each other a high-five for making it through another day.

I think reading that article is what has really gotten me down tonight, and put my anxiety through the roof.

I'm trying to settle down by telling myself that this woman doesn't know me.  She doesn't know my situation.  This article was not targeted at me.

But it just makes me wonder "is this what everyone out there is thinking?" This woman just happened to "say it out loud."???  So again, it's that feeling of always being judged.  Ugh, it's so annoying and frustrating.

Ya know what?  I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what I'm doing as I'm raising these kids.  Almost EVERY MINUTE of EVERY DAY is consumed with worry about if  I'm doing the "right" thing or not.  And adding on the thought that everyone else is judging what I'm doing just adds fuel to the fire.

I am FAR from perfect.  I am going to make A TON of mistakes.  Ya know what, most of the stuff I do is probably going to start out as a mistake, that I'm going to have to learn from.

If another parent on the "same team" sees that I am doing something "wrong", I would hope that instead of criticizing, they might instead think that the "wrong" thing might actually be "right" in our family.  It works for us.  And if I really am struggling (which I always am) and I am at my wits end, then I might decide to ask for that parent's opinion.  And then that other parent can provide "advice."  But it still might NOT work for us.

Anyways, I'm rambling and not forming complete thoughts.  But basically, as if I don't have enough to worry about, I am yet again reminded that I also need to worry about all that judgement out there.  I know I shouldn't think about it, but it is REALLY HARD not to!

So I guess for now it's just deep breaths, and counting to 10.  Trying to ground myself.  And "checking the facts."

Blah.

I miss you so much.

Hearts.