Monday, March 10, 2014

How am I supposed to do this?!??!

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I'm absolutely horrible.

How the frick am I supposed to do this on my own?!?!??

Our kids are going to be so fucked up.  I just don't know what I'm doing.  And I'm messing them up because I'm struggling/drowning/a hot mess of crazy.

I need you here so much.  Being a mommy and daddy at the same time sucks.  Our parenting styles were so complimentary to each other... And now it's just me.  I try/have to fill the gaps of what you would do, but it is so challenging, because the things that you would do are just not my style.

Ever since I read that damn article, I have been over-analyzing every parenting thing I do.  Seriously, EVERYTHING.  Even as I am saying something or doing something with the kids, I am thinking to myself, "Is that what I'm supposed to be doing?  Is that the right way to do it?  If I had phrased that differently, would she have listened?  If I had done something else, would the tantrum be over by now?"

I know I said that I wasn't going to think about it, but I can't help it. I can't erase the words from my mind. It has fricken screwed me up.  A part of me feels like maybe everything is going to shit because I lost any confidence that I may have had.  I used to think that I was doing kinda OK-ish in relation to everything that has happened to us.  But now I am just lost.  I feel like our kids behavior is a direct reflection of my parenting, and their behavior is just showing what a sucky ass job I'm doing.

Today was particularly bad.  As soon as I picked up the girls from their room at daycare, Violet was off and running down the hall.  Then of course Charlotte is following her.  The teacher is trying to talk to me about their day and stuff, as I'm trying to yell to them to stop and come back by me.  Another teacher happened to be walking down the hall towards us and was able to stop Violet and get her to come back.  It's just fricken embarrassing.  Why won't she listen to me?!?!  Clearly because I suck at teaching her to listen!

Then as we are finally ready to leave their classroom, Violet is off running again.  I am yelling for her to stop and walk, but she just keeps going, laughing her head off and being goofy.  She runs all the way to lobby and runs to the office door (which she has never even gone near before!) and is all trying to open it.  I had to leave poor brother in his stroller to go running after her and get her to stop.  I have no idea what got into her today!

And then, we go outside to get into the car, and she is all crazy and trying to play in the bushes by the sidewalk.  Again, I told her to stop, and stand by brother's stroller, and she didn't even look at me.  I grabbed her and Charlotte and brought them back on the sidewalk and tried to talk to them, and calm them down, because they were seriously riled up, but Violet just kept fighting me to get away.  I finally just had to pick them both up and load them in the van (I usually load Will first).

I bring them in through the trunk of the van because they are still in the rear-facing seat arrangement.  As I'm trying to buckle in Violet, she is still fighting me.  I finally have to tell her that if she is a good-listener and sits on her butt, then she can have a sticker.  But she didn't care and just kept fighting.  As I was wrestling her into the seat, Charlotte gets up to the front of the van, and dumps out a 3/4 full can of Diet Coke all over everything that was in the passenger seat, including my purse and coat.

All I could say was "Charlotte!!! Oh my word!!!"  I was just so shocked.  She knew she had done something bad though, and came right back to me and I was able to put her in her carseat easily.  I couldn't even figure out what to say, I was just so overwhelmed by everything that had been going on.

Anyways, I am finally able to load Will in, and then I have to load the stroller and all their bags, and we are able to hit the road.  Seriously, the 15-20 minutes of pick-up is EXHAUSTING!  It's not usually this bad, but it is still such a struggle.  And it's the worst, because I know you won't be at home for me to confide in and talk about the entire stressful ordeal...  You won't be hear to laugh about, or give advice, or just give me a hug.  I just have to go home, and somehow manage to feed these 3 crazy kids dinner on my own.  Even when my mom or our mommy's helper is there to help with dinner, it is still such a challenge because I'm the one running around trying to get food on the table, and get the kids fed.  My helpers only deal with feeding Will, and he is the easy one!

I just don't know how I'm going to do this.  Our kids are going to be the biggest brats because I don't know what I'm doing.  Sure, I can read books to them and play with them and do crafts, but I have no idea how to discipline them.  That was always your area of expertise.  You just had a way of doing it, and the girls would always listen to you.  You were the one to set up their bedtime routine.  You were the one to teach them to sit down in the spa and on the towel on the ground, so they don't slip and crack their head open.  You were the one to teach them how to go down the stairs...


Seriously, I am up at night always worrying about our kids' futures.  I stress out that the girls are going to have "daddy issues" and end up running away with a 40 year old man when they are only 16.  I stress out that Will is going to end up in juvie because he didn't have a positive male role model in his life.  I know it's so stereotypical, but seriously, aren't those really reasons why those things happen to some kids?!?!

And they are going to hate me because I'm always Mean Momma, or Stressed Out Momma, or Crying Momma because I just don't know how to parent these kids.  I am never able to just be Enjoy The Moment Momma, which is the Momma I had always dreamed of being.

Not only will our kids never know YOU, but our kids will never really KNOW their REAL Momma.  Yeah yeah, I'm their real mom, but you know what I'm trying to say... They will never know ME.  The ME that I used to be.  They are stuck with this broken Momma, who is screwing up their most impressionable time in their lives.  The time where we are supposed to be laying this wonderful foundation for our kids to grow on. Now I'm just trying to throw some rocks in a pile and hope that they can stand on it.

Yeah, being responsible for 3 little lives sucks.  Remember once upon a time when I loved it?  Yeah, I'm not really sure that ever happened either, I think it was just a dream...

Anyways, that is my crazy person rant.  I'm sorry for screwing up our kids so much.  Please don't be mad at me.



  1. I just wanted to let you know that I've been following your blog. I absolutely admire that you've kept going. My heart breaks for such a huge loss and I'm praying that God gives you the guidance and strength you need to get by day to day. I, too, have had days where I feel like I'm messing up my kids' lives. I feel like a monster, always screaming at them and stressing about the rules I've explained repeatedly. You are doing what you can. Don't stress about what didn't get done in the day. The most important thing for your kids is the time you spend with them; you are doing a great job.

    1. Thank you so much for your comment and words of support! I appreciate it!

  2. Sarah, youre being WAY too hard on yourself and it breaks my heart!! I'm not sure what words could help you in this but i want you to know that you're underestimating yourself, even if this is when you're at your "worst" as a mom. Time will help and once you aren't so deep in your grief (which i'm sure feels like forever away) you'll be able to be a little bit more like the "old" you. In the mean time, continue to ask for help. Can someone help you get the kids to and from daycare on the days that you work? Can someone help with meals? I would be happy to set up a meal schedule again, even for just a night or two per week. People WANT to help but dont know how. And you have to remember that once your kids arent so little, all of this will get easier. Its just impossible to be everything to them and take care of yourself in the process!

    Please let me know if I can do something to help.... I mean it!