I'm Cement

Hey boo,

How's it going?  I'm cement...

Remember how I always used to say that when I didn't want to get out of bed.  I was cement because I was too tired to even move any part of my body.  Of course, that was a little bit of an exaggeration, but hey, that's how I roll.

But yeah, I'm feeling like cement right now...

Of course, it's because I'm tired.

But I'm also just exceptionally blah.  Is that an oxymoron?

Anyways, I'm having Will's 1st birthday party with my family tomorrow.  And I'm bummin' big time about it...

I didn't even want to have a party, but I know that it is actually something I HAVE to do.  For Will.  It's not fair that he's had such a crappy first year.  I can't just let his birthday go by unnoticed.

So yeah, it's party time.  Woooo... :-P

I tried to get myself pumped up and excited for the party... I bought Will a cute little outfit, and I am decorating the house.  I ordered a cake and food.

But it still can't hide the obvious fact that you won't be there.

And it just really sucks.

You are missing our son's first birthday!  I hate this so much.

I'm pretty sure I am dreading Will's birthday as much as I dreaded Christmas.  It is just so incredibly hard to think of what you missed with him.  EVERYTHING!  Rolling over for the first time, his first laugh, his first time crawling, his first time pulling up,  his first haircut, and I could go on and on and on... You weren't there for his "firsts" and you're not going to be there for the seconds and thirds, and so much more.

Have I mentioned how unfair this is.  How this is just complete bullshit.

You know, I think that everyday.  That this is all just bullshit.  BULL. SHIT.

So yeah, I'm supposed to be finishing up decorating and getting ready for his party tomorrow.  But I'm cement.  I'm hungry, but I can't get off this stool and get something.  I'm stuck.

I'm stuck in this hell that has become my life.

Bleh.

Ok, that's it.  I miss you so much.  Hearts!